Have at it. We all have different opinions.

[smabify]

This thread has taken a turn that was expected, but not at all intended.  Since I don't feel the need to justify my remarks, I shall delete them

[PhotoJunkie]

I will follow through with my ninja like shin kicking skills. 

[lcoxwell]

Would ya like me to join in and smack 'em upside the head for ya? I'm from the South, and we have smackin' people upside the head down to a special art form.  ;D

[Trying]

I've always wanted to break a chair over someone's head like in the movies, that comment is the best reason I can think of, count me in!

[Virgo]

I'll hold your earrings.

[lcoxwell]

If nothing else works, I have an overly affectionate Pit Bull I could loan you. She'd be so busy lickin' 'em to death, and they'd be so busy trying to get her to stop, that they'd have no time for stupid remarks. 

[donswife]

so agree and even worse then "you're so strong -dont know how you do it " is

"I could never go through this" 

or even better "did you lose weight , you look good "

WTF ! so we need to start kick boxing to give instant response to these comments

 

[Jess]

or even better "did you lose weight , you look good "

 

In the early days, someone said this to me when swallowing solid food was still a huge struggle.  I was not.very nice and said "It's the dead husband diet. Really effective! I can't really recommend it though because it is a kinda unhealthy crash diet and a side effect is I can't seem to stop crying."

 

Oops.

[Beyondlife]

In my early days, I wanted to be Patrick Swayze and rip their throat out. 

Then I decided, "F", I am strong.  My term now is "widow strong" 

 

[Wheelerswife]

Ah, yes. I'm used to this. I guess on some level, I am strong. I just don't tend to show the depth of my weakness. Even my anxiety isn't obvious to most people. I am more stubborn than strong, I think. I can't let this beat me. Then it would win.

 

Hugs, MB. You have a lot on your plate and sometimes it would be nice not to have to be so darned "strong". 

 

Maureen

[Lmsmdm]

In the early days the "you're so strong" statements really pissed me off!!!! However, these days, damn straight!!! (((Hugs))))

 

[linda5]

That does seem to bother me too.  It's not like there was a choice!  For some odd reason, my heart just kept beating.

[BrokenHeart2]

I just can't tolerate the phoney shit is all. If it's said genuinely then ok. We all know when the BS flies or meant sincerely.

[swilson]

What are we supposed to do with this pain? We could let it consume and destroy us or we continue to fight and get on with life, suffering our setbacks and heartbreak in private behind closed doors. I want to tell them; "Don't mistake any appearance of strength on my part as having moved on and being completely healed.

[Guest nonesuch]

.

[Mizpah]

This never bothered me the way it bothers most widows.  I feel like - yes.  Yes, I am.  And I don't know how I do it either. 

[Wheelerswife]

Mizpah,

 

I think it catches me the wrong way sometimes because people equate being strong with not being in pain.  Even in my second marriage, people had the impression that I was "strong" and didn't miss my first husband or still grieve for him.  Fortunately, within that marriage, there was the space for and acceptance of my grief, and my second husband's grief as well.  Did it color our lives as much as it had in the early days?  No.  But it was still there and it would creep out sometimes and even smack us upside the head occasionally.

 

Losing John almost 18 months ago was an incredibly devastating blow, followed by a host of medical issues and a cancer diagnosis.  The reality that I've coped by continuing school (time filler, mind expander, deadline placer, forced socializer, career re-starter, future income provider) and traveling (time filler, mind expander, people connector, teacher of wisdom, soother of anxiety) seems to make people think I am strong.  In reality, it is what I do because I would just crumble if I stood still.  I'm afraid to crumble.  I guess that's it.  I'm really not strong.  I'm afraid.

 

Maureen

[Mizpah]

I never saw it that way.  To me, feeling nothing is the easiest thing and takes no strength whatsoever.  To me, strength is suffering and hurting so badly and yet living in a way that would make them proud - valuing life, loving people, remaining engaged, facing the loss head-on and letting yourself feel honestly, not giving in to bitterness and self-pity, being genuine and, for me, keeping in mind always the wonderful example of my DH - his values and his love of life, his huge huge heart. 

 

To live in the face of total devastation and fear IS strength.  It's not strong to be unafraid.  It's strong to be afraid and also graceful.  Just my opinion though. 

 

I think we get very defensive over the "DGI" thing.  I think sometimes we should just accept credit where credit is due.  Honestly, I think you all ARE strong and I DON'T know how you do it, and I think it is a compliment to you. 

[Jess]

These days I am much better about owning my strength. Sure, when someone tells me how strong I am I know they really have no concept of what it is like to be me and just how much I can struggle, but I keep on getting out of bed and conquer my little corner of the world with varying levels of success every day.

 

We all know there is no option but to keep going and trying, but the strength compliment is given by people that can't imagine having to do it and that doesn't make it any less genuine or true. So yes, you bet I am strong even when I feel weak. And yes, you bet every single one of you are strong as well.

[Wheelerswife]

Thank you, Mizpah.

 

I'm not overly offended by most "DGI's".  I realize that I truly didn't understand before losing my first husband, even though I've seen many people die in my life.  I had to have at least a few hundred patients die over the years working in health care, as well as extended family members.  After nearly 6 years of widowhood, I'm pretty good in catching people before they say too much and I try to gently let them know that their comments don't reflect the understanding of many people who grieve the loss of someone close.  I'm pretty authentic with friends and strangers alike.  I'm adept at telling my story.  The truth is that none of us know how we will handle something like the loss of a spouse (or a child) until it happens.  Each loss is so unique, yet similar in some ways.  I think most of us have come to realize that we have little choice but to deal with the adversities in our lives and depending on the resources we have at hand, we grasp onto what we can and hold on for the ride.  If we fall off, we have to figure out if we are best to climb back on or just sit where we landed for a bit.  I guess my coping style is to hold on and keep riding.  Some day, I hope that this strategy will take me to a place of more peace, where I can look at life with fewer tears in my eyes and more hope that good things will come to me...or I will find them.  If this means I am strong, then I guess I am.  Maybe being strong means facing fear head on and trying not to let it swallow me.

 

Maureen

[serpico]

I think we get very defensive over the "DGI" thing.  I think sometimes we should just accept credit where credit is due.

 

Yep.  It'd be like telling someone they looked nice and them responding by getting offended, peeling off their makeup and Spanx, and showing us how they 'really' look.

 

I accept all compliments, especially when I don't really believe them 

[Carey]

I'm HAPPY that the dgi's don't get it ... because that means they don't have to live it.  Mizpah said it so eloquently and perfectly. I'm strong because that's my option.  Strong can also mean knowing when you're just done and asking for help.  I don't think I mind "you're so strong" as much as I do "you just have to be strong" like that's the holy grail to surviving grief, with brute strength and who are they to tell me that?  That's "unsolicited advice", where as I'm with serpico .. compliments that come when I don't believe them are a great boost , if someone tells me I'm strong, then hey I'm doing a good job with this front I've got going lol.

[ATJ]

Here's what others have expressed about "being strong":

 

 

 

 

 

 

"The problem with being strong is

that nobody ever asks if you are hurting."

 

-- Unknown

 

 

"Sometimes the strongest people in the morning

are those who cried all night."

 

-- Unknown

 

 

The Problem with being strong:

 

"People think no matter what,

you're always standing like a rock,

and you never need their help.

 

They expect you to be there for them around the clock,

while you're fighting your own battle."

 

-- Unknown

 

 

ATJ - a.k.a. "The Strong One" 

 

[Sugarbell]

I no longer get the "I don't know how you do it"...and haven't for years. I am old news here...I just do it.

 

But in the early days (and all 3 under 5) I got it ALOT. And I admit I found it annoying at the time. It got to the point I would make some smartass comment like "I don't know either...want to hire me a nanny or come help?" Or "Well if I didn't do it...my kids would be taken away and thrown into foster care...boy what gossip that would be"

 

But I was angry and bitter. I don't suggest handling things that way at all. People I am sure genuinely admire what we are doing and our courage to forge ahead. They really don't know what else to say. Just say thank you and let it roll off your shoulders.

[ManutesGirl]

My least favorite phrase, and all variations of it!