canadiangirl

This is an insanely hard journey at times -I wish we could come up with an alternate ending, as below. No virtual hugs by request, just understanding. (apologies language)

So sorry, lcoxwell. It has all been said, except you can also remove stuff like that from your timeline yourself. If you do not unfriend them, you can hide their posts and save yourself embarrassment, right away. The little arrow pointing down at the top of each post. Such a toxic move by his family, it's just not right. ((lcoxwell))

Keep and store what others might wish to have or which have a strong sentimental attachment for you. I would have trouble parting with her artwork. In terms of donating, do not forget women's shelters. Sometimes there are things that someone just starting out could use. If you wife had business suits there are non-profits that outfit women without the means for their first business interviews. Men's shelters. Organizations helping newcomers to the country. Those are good places to call first - they keep lists, and it feels meaningful to help (and will help you feel like it is not wasteful!). And not all donation centres are non-profit (Savers/Value Village is a for-profit enterprise, for example, so someone would be enriching himself further with your redistributed wealth). I am the one with all the "stuff" - my DH moved across country so many times and did not acquire anything except many cars, tires and a shed full of tools. I will be contacting an estate-type place this fall to inventory, assign a value to and auction off/consign his tools. I will also sell some on Craigslist/Kijiji and eBay. If Catherine was a clothes hound, some brand names sell at consignment. Auction houses do downsizing sales as well - would recommend against being there as could be depressing and definitely not a way of making money as things go for much less than they are worth (but more than donation of course). Donation is by far the easiest and fastest route but not one I can afford financially myself when it comes to his valuable tools -I will be moving but not imminently. Best of luck.

My wife had four bouts of cancer, starting when she was nineteen, with the last at 45. The first three, she got all those "you go girl!" and folks would tell her how strong she was. She hated it. She always said "Don't call me a survivor, I'm just muddling along". She hated the whole labeling survivors got, like they were nothing more than some mystical ability to beat disease. She didn't beat inoperable pancreatic cancer. My mother, who loved my wife like a daughter, gave her the whole "You can do it!" pep talk, which reduced my wife to tears. She told me that the worst part was feeling like she was disappointing all those people who expected her to magically beat a terminal diagnosis. So I talked to my mom, and she finally got it. They want to believe in some magical cure. Like if you burn enough candles and the victim is pure of heart and strong of soul, everything will be okay. More cynically, I think there's an underlying feeling that if they were ever sick, they'd just Norman Cousins the doom away, unlike weaker willed folk. We know it isn't true. But it's a pleasant fairy tale for many. Unfortunately, it often hurts those struggling with potentially fatal disease. This, from both of you. Exactly. The emphasis on positive thinking in particular I think is offensive and blames the victim. Science does not support the notion that you can positive think a serious disease away. I am sorry that woman was insensitive, mikeeh. It's for a good cause - I too would've been non-confrontational. I do know people who survived cancer and it did not recur; they died of natural causes. I wish it had been my DH. I do like this news: http://news.nationalpost.com/news/world/u-s-scientists-successfully-turn-human-cancer-cells-back-to-normal-in-process-theyre-hopeful-can-one-day-switch-off-disease

With you, RWS, at 21 mos. Expect to be right where you are in 3+ years, and I am fine with that. One day at a time. We've got this mindfulness/living in the present thing, totally. ((runningwithscissors))

Thinking of you. I have always felt that wedding anniversaries are really only for the two people involved - I never remember anyone else's anniversary except my parents' and don't expect anyone to remember ours. That being said, or perhaps because of this, it is strange to me that I am the only one in the world for whom the date means something, the only one who will ever mark it. Very little else can trigger such intense feelings of loneliness. I do understand.

Congratulations! You look beautiful as does your whole family. Much happiness sent your way from up here as well!

Thinking of you today. ((Jess))

So sorry for the loss of your lovely wife and for the loss of your dog. Thank you for sharing your beautiful insights.

((Helen)) I would have done exactly the same thing.

mikeeh, glad you posted. I had been checking your thread for an update. I am glad the MD could be forthcoming and has been helpful. Amazing but consistent that your wife did not wish to speak to him about dying either. You have given me perspective; I still wish very much for his own mental health (and mine!) that my DH had agreed to seek help but it might not have helped him work through that aspect of things. Thanks for the update. And in answer to your question - in my case, not very. (Yet)

Great news! Think your plan is excellent, too, BTW. Take care PJ!

You are 100% Wonderwidow, gracelet! If the cape fits, wear it!

Got rid of 3 of 4 of my DH's non-working vehicles, two this past week! Had to basically junk them but I have a backyard and a driveway again. So liberating. This purging stuff is good.

Hi Fern, yes I put the information on the school information form and as it has been 3 grades now at the same school I expect the teachers share information among themselves (I have no issue with that). I think it is important that they know because it can come up in conversation, raised by my child or via awkward questions posed by other children (the other day at camp drop-off a kid asked me "Why do you always do the drop-offs? Where is (x's) dad?") While my child is coping and can discuss it in a matter-of-fact way, the death of a classmate's parent can cause anxiety issues in OTHER children in the class (this happened to us- another child had to go to counselling because of the death of my spouse). Definitely a heads-up is appropriate and the school social worker or guidance counsellor should have access to resources for the teacher.

Thanks for this post. Most estate lawyers just use a template - it's very cut and dried and easy, once an executor and guardian were named. I think it would be more complicated if one were a small business owner. I have been bugging my parents for years to get a will and they just did last week before leaving on a trip. I am so thankful. DH and I drew up wills at the birth of our child, ensured all our property and accounts were joint, and it saved me immeasurable hassle. A work colleague's dad died without a will and it was an enormous amount of paperwork and headache. I don't know how all of you whose partners died intestate managed in the midst of grief. I will be updating mine soon- I will never put my child through that amount of administrative pain.

Beautifully put. I am so sorry for the additional loss for your family.

Fuuuuuuuck you to the people who offer help or say they can help when asked and then don't follow through or can't actually deliver. And then there's the people who never offer assistance at all any more because of course everything is peachy keen here. It's no wonder I hate asking for help so much- I put myself out there and am still left hanging. Is it really too much to ask for something to go right once in a while? Haven't we had enough of this? FU, universe!

DavidsKtBeth, glad you are feeling better - the replies to your post were great here. I am also a list person, and #6 on your list is so poignant - thank you for sharing that. In terms of sadness and its duration, I wanted to chime in and support what Jess said - everyone is on a different time table. I am 19 months out; I am still sad, but instead of a shroud my sadness has become like a cape. Sometimes I want to wear it, to hide myself in it, to shield myself from the world when I am feeling envy or isolated or a sense of injustice. I think it's healthy to feel it when I need to. But there are also times when I want to -and can- shed the cape, put it aside, even put it away for a while. That's some progress, I think. We all have real lives where we smile and laugh and get through the day, sometimes requiring superhero-like effort, capes invisible to others. If sometimes these boards feel like a wall of hurt and sadness, remember that this is where people are able to let it all flap out, as it were.

widowat33, thank you for sharing. You made me cry at breakfast - so beautiful. I love the tattoo idea.

I'm in. I haven't got through David and Goliath yet but I tend to read his stuff. Sounds fun- will pick up at the library tomorrow. Thanks for organizing, lovely people.

This summer my child and I travelled across country to my DH's home province for the first time since his death, to scatter his ashes and see to DH's house and belongings there. A tough part of it was arriving at the airport (coming and going) and not having him there to greet us. I had a long distance relationship with my DH in the beginning - the best moment in the world was being in his arms again after an absence. When he had cancer he would often stay at his (other) home longer while I returned early with our child, so the two of us would be there waiting at the airport, eagerly awaiting the first glimpse of DH coming down the escalator. The reunions. The gladness that he made it safely, that we were a complete family again. This time -no one there. Surrounded by happy reunions, I did my best to focus on getting to our destination and to be nonchalant in front of our child, but...it really gutted me this time, even after 19 months. I will never have that again. Wanted to share in case this resonated with any other lonely travellers out there.

Beautiful. Thank you, kpgct. Some of my most precious memories are watching shooting stars with my DH.

YOU CAN DO IT!

((CBB)) Just hugs. It is not right.