Wheelerswife

I was always used to taking care of most things. My first husband was disabled and functioned from a power wheelchair and I needed to do all things physical. He took care of things like bill paying and making appointments and planning vacations, but having married at 30, I was alone and independent before we were together. With my second husband, we became interdependent on each other, and very intentionally. He was also quite able to do things independently, but we enjoyed the sharing of responsibilities and decision making. We also took on those "chores" that the other person disliked...ah...not to have to clean a bathroom! I miss the overall sense that we took care of each other - physically, emotionally....and otherwise...but lets not go there.... Maureen

Hugs....I want my computer guru back. I'm not as stressed as you...no little kids...just me, but I feel your fatigue and your heartbreak and the grumbling over having to do things you wish you didn't have to do yourself. Maureen

Hugs. Reliving their deaths...their final moments...so hard. Maureen

Hi, paulhaltom, I can relate to much of what you are saying in your post. I don't know what degenerative disease process your husband had, but my first husband had a genetic neuromuscular disease called Spinal Muscular Atrophy. It affects the same nerve cell as ALS. For him, it took his toll over 53 years instead of 4 or 5 years. He lived his life with severe weakness, always in a wheelchair, losing function one straw at a time. In the end, he also needed a ventilator (non-invasive - he didn't ever want a trach) at night and he had suffered through hospitalizations, intubation, pure hell. His family watched as he declined as well. His mother was the one, in the end, who blamed me for my husband's decision not to be intubated in the end - so that she could have him longer. I was also the one who removed his ventilator. I knew at the time that he was dying. He was tired of the mask on his face, and I wanted him to die with as little discomfort as possible. I slept next to a ventilator and all of the accompanying sounds for quite awhile, and the silence when it was all over was deafening. I get it. I also posted once, on the board that was a precursor to this board, that it would be okay if I just fell asleep on my side of our plot at the cemetery and died. All they would have to do was dig a hole and roll me in. You aren't alone in your feelings that it would be okay to die. There is a difference between that and wanting to end your own life. If you ever feel that you can't keep living, please ask for help. All of us who are here have made it through this awful pain, and I've done it twice. It does get softer, more tolerable. Maybe not at 8 months for you, yet, but it does get more bearable. My life even got really good again, and I'm hoping I will get to that place again. Soon! When you love someone as deeply as you loved your husband...and when you take care of them with every bit of energy that you have...and you strive to make them comfortable in a condition where nothing is comfortable, your world is suddenly devoid of meaning when they die. What else is there? Other things don't matter as much, do they? But days keep passing by. What got me through the first months after both of my husbands died was just putting one foot in front of the other. I motored through my job after my first husband died, and through school after my second husband died. I'm still motoring through school now...and it has been two years since John died. Fortunately, I can distract myself with my work with students some of the time, although I attend and work in the university where my second husband taught. Please don't wait until you have something positive to post. Take advantage of the people here who care and use this place to put words on all of the feelings you have. Hugs, Maureen

Hugs, CW. I've been thinking for awhile that you deserve something better. This guy may have some great qualities, but somehow, there doesn't seem to be a match here with your two personalities. Maybe in some ways you are too alike and your heads clash because of that? Interestingly enough, my second husband John and I were quite different...so different that in the initial stages of our getting to know each other, I had doubts that it could work because of the differences. What I found in the long run was that we ended up complementing each other very well, each bringing things to the relationship that were weaker in the other person. None-the-less, you have invested a lot of yourself in this relationship and it is sad to let your investment...and your positive feelings go. You have a great personality and you deserve someone who can bring out the best in you, too. Thinking of you, Maureen

My first husband and I were engaged about 4 1/2 months after we met. We bought a house and moved in 5 months later. We were married 17 months after we met. My second husband and I were engaged about 6 weeks after we met. I moved 1/2 way across the country to be with him 6 months after we met, and we were married a year after we met. No regrets at all... Maureen

Awesome, SVS!!! Maureen

Welcome, ThereseE, I'm sorry you had to join our club. It hasn't been too long for you since you lost Graham and it might still feel pretty overwhelming. I hope you continue to read and post here and vent away. It is hard to find people in our everyday life that understand what it is like to lose a spouse. Hugs to your daughters, too. Maureen

Ditto. Do as I say and not as I do. But we are all human, right? We all have our weak points. Well, at least I do! Maureen

Good for you, Rob! I wish I had your motivation and persistence! Maureen

It is difficult to be unwillingly thrust into having to re-create ourselves. So much changes with the death of a spouse. I'm not sure if it is possible to remain the person that we were. Maybe some people are able to do that, but not me. I think it is hard when we are in the process of change. When I was rebuilding my life the first time, I had strong support from my second husband. I liked me and I liked my life. But I am thrust into rebuilding again, and I am uncertain about so many things. Nothing feels right. My relationships with every person in my life are different. I'm different, so everything that is connected to me is different, too. You seemed to have followed part of the path that I followed after my first husband died. You are in the process of making a change in your profession. That process leaves ME feeling insecure every day. Can I handle these classes? Can I be successful in my new ventures? How am I going to make another transition out of school in another year? Add your own circumstances here... You also have a new relationship in your life and that is wonderful, but it involves the future blending of families, and that weighs on you. You are coping with your oldest son, who is struggling not only in ways that many late adolescents struggle, but also with his father's death. You have the worry of health issues for your middle son. Its all so complicated, eh? Change is HARD work. We didn't ask to be thrust into this change, yet we have to adapt to new situations and challenges. Our grieving brains have enough to do as it is, and more gets piled on our plates. Hugs, old colleague of mine. I know how resilient and determined you are. Sometimes, we just have to let all of this out, because besides being strong, we also have a soft and tender underbelly. Maureen

Hi, BelongaJ, We understand colorful language here. Welcome to the fold. I lost my second husband two years ago and I still live in the world that was his. Lately, there have been many reminders that he isn't here any more. He was a university professor, and today I had lunch with one of his former students who would just love to be able to use him for a reference, but she can't. I'm glad you found us. Maureen

MontrealV, I seem to relate to so much of your story. My first husband had a genetic neuromuscular disease and I knew he would have a limited lifespan. But...I fell in love with him anyway...I assume it was similar for you. I didn't know how long I would have him. He stayed fairly healthy, but needed care-giving his entire life. In the end, he died of respiratory failure, as expected for his disease. The last 16 months of his life were very challenging, with ICU stays and the need for a ventilator at night. In the end, he got sick again and decided he had had enough. When I came home from the hospital the night he died, I sat on my bed and realized I was living the day I had dreaded since the time I realized I was falling in love with him. He was dead and I was sitting there without him. He was no longer struggling and suffering, and for that I was grateful, but I had also lost the man who had been the center of my life for over 18 years. I'm sitting here trying to imagine your cancer diagnosis, surgery and treatment. I was diagnosed with cancer just weeks after my second husband died and went through surgery with limited support. Fortunately, I didn't have chemo, but I still have the fear that my cancer, which was Stage 1 but very aggressive and chemo resistant, can come back at any time. You have so much to cope with right now...but just know that there are people here who will understand different aspect of what you are facing, such as raising your children without him. Hugs, Maureen

I'm sorry for your loss. You have been through so much. I know what it is like to have a spouse in ICU for 6 weeks...but hospitalization for a year and ICU for 4 months is exhausting. There are others here who also have children adopted internationally. At this point, keep breathing. You deserve a break...and to stay in your PJ's sometimes. Hugs, Maureen

Both of my late husbands still have Facebook pages. It hasn't seemed to have bothered anyone, and their friends seem to appreciate occasional posts that tag onto their pages...opportunities to remember good friends. Maureen

I've had a busy couple of weeks...back in the swing of school. This semester I have added a 10-hour a week practicum to my schedule. It happens to be in a program on campus for gifted high school juniors and seniors who essentially go to college, living on campus, taking science and math-based college courses as well as writing, history, etc. My husband John taught in this program, and it seems like my presence in the department office has become a reminder to the staff that my husband really has been gone for two years. With his best friend and colleague Paul, my husband co-taught research and writing to first semester high school juniors in this program. Paul continues teaching without him, but still uses teaching videos about the scientific method that my husband made a few years back. All of the current students in the program started after my husband died, but they all know who he is. Office conversations over the last two weeks seem to revert back to talking about John. I'm glad, in many ways, that people will talk about him, but I'm seeing other people's grief kicking in. One of the coordinators in the office, Ann, also close to my husband's best friend, relayed just how broken his friend Paul had been after John's death. Paul called Ann immediately after hearing of John's death, dumbfounded. All Ann could say to me was that she had watched my husband transform into a really happy man after he met me. I see her grief, too. Somehow, I'm engaging with students and trying to keep myself from taking a step backwards in my own grieving process. Kids this age are full of energy and a little piss and vinegar, too, so there is a lot to talk about with them. I'm getting some opportunity to advise students and coach them a bit to keep them on track socially and academically. There are high academic standards (commensurate with their abilities) and these kids, as intellectually gifted as they are, still need to work on study skills, time management and keeping their rooms in some degree of order! I guess this semester is going to give me more opportunity to grieve what I have lost and to build on the altered course of my life, a course that changed in so many ways due to the intersection of my life with John's - when we met and fell in love - a life course that changed again with his death. I just wish I knew when I would be happy again. Maureen

I'm sorry you are facing the loss of your FIL. Maureen

Welcome back. I realize that your whole marriage...from honeymoon until death...was spent caring for your wife. Hugs to you. Maureen

My first husband was Jewish and divorced. I was Catholic at the time. He went through the annulment process in the Catholic Church before we got married. I would have to say that the annulment process was cold, yet it pried into some really personal areas of his life. It offered no actual healing or counseling. We managed a life with two faiths that were more different than the Catholic/Methodist divide that you are facing. If you can live with having the Catholic Church considering your marriage invalid, perhaps you can consider marrying in her church. I know these things matter to people, especially when there are children involved. You essentially have the same faith, but different ways of interpreting certain teachings and different ways of worshiping. (For the record, I no longer subscribe to any faith tradition.) Maureen

We can pull this off, biscuit! I'm facing my most challenging semester yet. But we are going to do this! One week down, 15 to go. Hugs, Maureen

As a displaced east coaster, I'm watching this from the sidelines in Kansas. I hope y'all don't lose your power and some really nice neighbor with a snowblower takes care of your driveways. We have under 4 inches of snow here and expect to see the 50's and even the 60's this week. Now - there's a reason for y'all to come and visit me in Kansas! Maureen

Hi, still_lost, Welcome into the fold. I'm not sure where I would be without widow friends. Who else fully understands the issues and emotions we face? (I realize that there are non-widows out there that do a darned good job, but I don't know too many.) You not only lost your husband at a young age, you were left to care for a little one on your own. You trusted to open your heart again and you had hope for the future. That hope was dashed when this new relationship didn't developed like it seemed it would. It is another loss, different, but still loss. It still hurts and challenges your belief that life can be good again. I don't have children and my experience is different, but I lost my second husband after only a few years of marriage. It feels like the rug was pulled out from under me. You put your trust in something that didn't reach the place you hoped it would go. That has many similarities. It may take you a little while to decide if you are willing to put yourself out there again. The more time that passes me by, the more I want to risk loving again. It is a lot to think about, eh? Hugs, Maureen

I'm sorry. Maureen

I went back to school...new semester...11 days after my husband died. I knew that I needed something to keep me going. As distracted as I was, having deadlines gave me something on which to focus. I hope you can find some structure to your time and success in your studies. Maureen

John and I went from meeting each other to engaged pretty quickly. We had the fianc?/finac?e words...only we didn't tell people we were engaged right away. I guess it was pretty obvious to others that we were in love, so we didn't really worry about using any terms. It was simply, "This is Maureen" or "This is John." We did refer to each other as fianc? and fianc?e to people we didn't know or were just meeting, since they didn't have any back story and they often wondered about our relationship, as we weren't wearing rings. I'm kind of glad I didn't worry about what to call him. Often, I called him "baby" and "lover". I loved calling him my husband. Now...I'm hoping that this will become a problem for me! I can picture "GIS" becoming part of my new vocabulary. Alas, there is no GIS in my life right now. Maureen