Trying

Welcome back, it's good to hear from you. It's comforting to know there is always room at the table here, you just have to pull up a chair.

Thank you for sharing. My role as a caregiver was brief, only 4 months and mostly less extreme than her description. I also was a secondary caregiver for my grandmother and father. I worked many years as a home health physical therapist and witnessed the extreme strain on caregivers but of course you can't really appreciate it until you go through it yourself. I have just opened my own massage therapy business and my focus is on Oncology, chronically ill and terminally ill clients. I also am targeting caregivers. If they are lucky enough to have respite care I will see caregivers in my office, if they do not have that I will bring my table to them at home. I currently have a homebound man with a brain injury and his brother who has been his full time caregiver for seven years with no end in site. I Massage and do exercises with the patient in his hospital bed and he is very relaxed and peaceful after so I can give his brother a one hour massage in the other room. It's a small thing in his week but I also give him an opportunity to vent and I validate how difficult his situation is. If I was independently wealthy I would do this for free.

I can see why this is hurtful to you. Logically coming to your house makes sense and your son is a child and his specific needs should be first. Unfortunately I have seen with my own MIL that the mothering instinct to cater to the weakest (or self destructive or manipulative or whatever) offspring trumps everything else. My own MIL years ago actually compared leaving her son (late 30's) with an active herpes outbreak at home on Thanksgiving to me leaving my toddler home alone if he had a stomach virus. No logic, all emotion. DH and I stopped trying to point out logic. I hope you find a way to make your holiday special for you and your kids.

Maureen I can only imagine the range of emotions as this journey comes to end and you face moving on. I wish you peace and clarity with the decisions you have ahead of you. I have no doubt you will face the challenges ahead with grace and determination as you have faced so many before. For so long I hated when people told me I was strong because I thought it discounted the pain, fear and struggle I was experiencing. Then someone explained to me that strength is pushing forward DESPITE the pain, fear and struggle. So I now accept that description and I think it applies to no one better than you.

@azjane, He did it with no big fanfare, we had been planning this so not really a surprise, I just didn't know when. We went to dinner at our favorite restaurant and came home to my almost finished kitchen renovation, he pulled the ring out of the new cabinet drawer and got down on one knee. It was very sweet and perfect.

He proposed this weekend and I said yes! Fiancé has been a source of light, hope and support as I have worked through my grief journey to find my way in chapter 2. It has been a rocky road at times with my own insecurities and struggles as well as my 3 boys struggling with their grief and acceptance but he has stood by me through all of it. He has given me gentle compassion and at times when I needed it tough love too. He has always allowed room for Tim in my heart and for memories to be shared openly which has allowed me to feel that living in the present does not mean I can't still honor the past. All 3 boys are genuinely happy for me, something I couldn't have imagined a year ago. We will now be a family of 5 boys age 6-21!! I had a moment Sunday morning where I looked through my wedding album and cried, remembering the vows I made with Tim 23 years ago, the plans and dreams we had that were left unfinished. I am so grateful for the time we had, even if it ended too soon. I am also grateful that I have found a second great love because I still have so much love to share.

I have been following this thread with interest, NG and I will be engaged shortly. I was initially very against marriage for a variety of reasons but over time my thoughts have changed. I am an over thinker and have spent considerable time weighing all of the practical pros and cons as well as the emotional ones. BF has been very understanding through the process, he was always in favor of marriage but would've done whatever I am comfortable with. We have some financial differences due to his costly divorce and me benefitting from DHs sound planning. We will do a prenup to protect my children's inheritance and so BFs young children would benefit from BFs life insurance. I won't be losing any benefits by remarrying other than DHs SS at retirement but that is not enough of a reason for me. I am self employed so I will gain medical benefits for my children and I when we marry. We will share expenses after we marry so even though my house is fully paid for, it will be ours. I am naming him guardian for my youngest son (12) who is the only one still a minor because he will stay in our home and raise him if anything were to happen to me. Then there is the emotional and spiritual part that can sometimes get lost in chapter 2 planning. I love this man and want to honor that love before God and our families and demonstrate a committed relationship to my children and also to his small boys. He is now my best friend, the person I trust above all others, the person I want to share my today, my tomorrow and however long our forever is together. While it's a very different relationship than I had with DH, unique and special in its own ways, I want to honor it in the same way I did with DH. I think we each have unique situations so I won't pretend to know what is best for anyone else, I share my experience mostly to say that my feelings have evolved over time because of careful practical consideration but also because my grief has evolved to allow me to see that it's ok for me to love deeply again. Don't ignore any concerns you have, talk openly to each other, and if things aren't clear then don't rush to a decision. Wishing you happiness in whatever form works best for you.

I'm sorry for all of the additional losses in your life since losing your DH. That's a part of widowhood most of us are unprepared for, the loss of family and friends in the wake of our grief. It's hard to let go of the hurt and anger when people aren't there to support us who should be. I think there can be a relief when we give it up, when we stop expecting better from people and let the anger go. I hope as your child continues to grow and cope you can build a new support system for yourself among other moms or within your community. I know nothing takes the place of family but it can help. Hold onto those hopeful feelings, take good care of yourself.

Hugs to both of you. All of the " firsts" are so hard and so often just trying to get through it is the best you can do. I found that the anticipation leading up to those significant days was the worst and then I was left drained the day after. At 3 years those significant days find me reflective and sad, still difficult but nothing compared to that raw pain of the first year. I'm not sure if that helps you but I know I found hope in reading posts from those further out when I was in those dark days the first year.

I am in the middle of huge renovations on the house I bought last summer. Today I signed a lease to open an office for my new business, something that wasn't even a distant dream when he was alive. He should be here. To help me, to support me, to be shocked and proud of all that I have taken on. I have an amazing boyfriend who is here and does all of that for me so I am very grateful. But Tim knew me before. Tim would understand how monumental all of this is for me. Tim would understand how BIG all of this is for me, or the me that he knew for 25 years. Of course if he was here I would still be in our big beautiful house that didn't need renovations and I would probably not have looked for a career change to distract me and give me a reason to get me out of bed each day. I was very content with my career when he was alive. What I wouldn't give for just one day with him.

Welcome butterflywidow, though I am sorry for the reason you are here. Talking to the boys went as well as could be expected. My oldest is happy for me, youngest enjoys having BF around. My middle son was very quiet and didn't have much to say which is actually an improvement. I asked him to wait until at least October to propose because the third sadiversary was September 20th so nothing official yet. He's now spending about half the week here which has been a good way to help everyone adjust. 2 years ago I would have said I would NEVER have a man sleep over with my kids here. But what has worked best for my family is these gradual changes. We dated for months before they met him. The interactions were then very brief for months. Then he started helping out with manly jobs around the house. Then he came for dinner twice a week. You get the idea. I'm sorry your daughter is struggling with the relationship, I know all too well how difficult that is. I made a few mistakes along the way but I'm glad I didn't force things on my kids too quickly.

Tight hugs to you on Michelle's birthday and in the weeks ahead. I can imagine how proud she would be of you and the girls.

It's one thing if I refer to myself as a widow, which took me a long time to do outside of this forum, but I have felt similar to you hearing someone else say it. I can be very contradictory which leaves people in a no win situation. When I am regarded as "Tim's widow" I want to scream that I am still an individual with my own personal identity. But then, if someone treats me as if I should have it all together by now I want to scream "don't you know I'm a widow and I will always have a piece of me missing!" I guess the progress is that I now realize the problem is more often in me than in the person whose comments trigger the reaction. It sounds like you get that too. It doesn't soften our reaction but makes us kinder towards the well meaning person who unknowingly hit a nerve.

Facial hair is definitely a popular thing right now. My 20 year has a very full beard and needs to stay on top of or it gets unruly. My 18 year old can not grow a full beard and does some very unattractive things with just chin hair or a partial goatee because it doesn't fill in. I let it go, hair and facial hair are temporary and lets them express themselves. For me it's better than body piercings and full sleeve tattoos that they may regret later. Of course there are times I can't hold back saying what I think about how much more handsome they would be clean cut.

(((Hugs)))

What an awful coincidence. I can understand the concern definitely, those anniversary dates are tainted with a sadness that is hard to avoid. My gut reaction is that we need to celebrate the living and appreciate those who are with us. That being said, I don't think you can avoid the anniversary. Maybe you can find a way to honor your DH on that day in a way that is significant to you but make the remainder of the day a focus on NG. Personally for my dad and DH I prefer to honor them on their birthday because that is a more positive day to remember. If you know that you have DH's birthday to really celebrate his memory then maybe you can feel less conflicted about sharing his death anniversary with NGs birthday. These chapter 2 relationships are a balancing act at times, good luck in finding a balance that works for both of you.

I am so sorry for your loss and for the added stress of the inquiry. Unfortunately many of face difficult relationships with inlaws post loss which is sad, distressing and incredibly unfortunate. I have 3 children who were 9, 15, and 17 when my husband died 3 years ago and I often felt like there was no place for my grief because I was taking care of them, their grief and all of the added responsibilities that used to be my husband's. Going to my therapist twice a month and coming here were essential for me to give time and attention to my own grief and honestly, 3 years later still very important to my coping. Carve out whatever time you can for yourself, I would scream in the car or cry in the shower just to get it out so I could continue to hold things together. There are no short cuts to this process but I think that grief must be dealt with in order to move forward. I hate seeing new names here because it means another person suffering a devastating loss but I'm glad that we can be here to support each other.

Our hearts and our minds go into protective mode sometimes when we are overloaded and it sounds like you definitely are. Sending you big hugs as you face all of these difficult dates and wishing your grandpa a positive outcome.

In those early weeks I could often be found just staring at a wall curled up on the couch. All of the essential things take tremendous energy and we all process things differently. Be patient with yourself and give yourself credit for what you are getting done every day. Yoga and lunch dates will come, the therapist appointment was more important. Looking back to being in your shoes 3 years ago, my heart goes out to you. I wish there was a magic short cut I could tell you about but unfortunately grief is messy and requires time. Keep posting and reading here, it has been a lifesaver for me.

I'm glad it went well and is behind you. Sending post event (((hugs)))

What a complicated situation! I agree that the times you have been intimate seem to be times when one or both of you are emotionally raw and in need of comfort. That may make it difficult to determine if it's real or more of an emotional crutch. If you were to declare your feelings maybe it would be better to tone it down a little and tell him that you are confused by your feelings and are wondering how he is feeling about trying to have a relationship. If he is not on the same page you have not made a Big declaration of love that could make things awkward and difficult to continue your friendship. Also, if you are having strong feelings for him it probably would be better for you to hold off on any more intimacy. Friends with benefits doesn't work if one person has feelings that aren't shared. Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best.

Hikermom, not every problem has an easy solution and sometimes we just need to sit with each other during these rough patches. I have no doubt that you will come out on the other side of this funk but in the mean time just wanted to tell you I hear you.

Yes, I often feel like I'm holding my breath and waiting for the other shoe to drop. I have also experienced several "worst case scenarios" so I don't think our worries are completely unfounded. I would like to believe this will ease over time.

I think in these situations the child gets to choose. It's ok to present him with options and let him know you will support whatever he decides. That being said it really sucks. I have on several occasions felt this need to yell out that my kids Dad would be here if he could, he loved them and was as proud as any Dad could be. Hugs to you and your son, the happy moments they aren't here for can be the hardest.

In 5 hours it will be 3 years since I last held Tim and said my final goodbye to him. 3 years that at times feels like yesterday but mostly now feels like a life time ago. My life has changed in so many ways both big and small. 2 of our boys have graduated high school, our little boy will soon be a teen, we moved, I went back to school and changed careers, I fell in love. The lead up to this sadiversary is so different than the last two. The good memories are out numbering the awful memories of his last 4 months, I don't find myself reliving that time like I did the first two years. While I'm still dealing with some difficulties with my oldest son, he seems to be embracing a new opportunity and for the first time I feel cautiously optimistic that he is on a good path. I am more at peace with myself and the decisions I have made, both the good and the questionable ones. I am honoring him in a way that is very meaningful to me by attending a conference all week on Oncology Massage. We were able to write the name of a loved one affected by cancer on a board in the front of the room without having to tell a story or share any details. So all day I could look up and see his name while I learned about how I can improve the quality of life for others suffering from cancer and cancer treatment. I was glad to be able to acknowledge him without having to share my story and get emotional in front of a roomful of strangers. I can't control cancer, it stole my Dad, it stole my husband, it stole my mom's breast. I'm not smart enough to find a cure. But with my touch and my compassion I can help to ease some of the pain and side effects of this awful disease and the havoc that treatment causes on the body and spirit and hopefully help a few people feel less alone in their battle. This is how I am choosing, at 3 years out, to manage my grief. It won't bring Tim back but it is helping me to keep living.