Trying

When I get a request from someone I don't recognize I check to see if we have any mutual friends. Sometimes it's someone who only knows of me through an acquaintance, I ignore them. Sometimes it's a random creeper, I refuse them.

Definitely time to go! When I sold my house last summer I had a lot of weird things break, go wrong, after the contract was signed but before the closing. Got hit with lightning, AC crapped out, not small stuff. I couldn't get to the closing date fast enough. When I met with my accountant this year to pay my taxes she said that the closing happened within 3 days for me to qualify for both my and DHs capital gains exemption to count, 3 days later I would've lost his. I felt like that was his apology for me having to pay for the AC, lol.

I'm sorry you are going through this with your friend and your inlaws. I don't understand people who feel the need to choose sides without really knowing or being involved enough to form an opinion. If this is an isolated incident out of character for her I would tell her how hurt you are and why. If this is in keeping with her character then I would say you owe her no explanation because it would fall on deaf ears. When someone is toxic, you owe them nothing. I have learned to only put on FB things I don't mind the whole world knowing. Even otherwise decent people like to gossip and petty people are looking for something to use against you to make themselves feel better.

I can relate to your feelings about not knowing who you are on your own without your love. In the beginning I tried to continue on doing everything the same as when he was here but that really didn't work, nothing was the same. At 32 months I am gradually finding my own way and discovering who I am without him. My advice would be to let that evolve naturally over time. For now you need to focus on one day at a time and giving yourself the time and space to grieve all of the aspects of your loss. Sending you understanding and support.

Oh Klim I am so very sorry, this must be so hard. It seems like the right thing to do, you deserve to be the one and only in a man's thoughts but that doesn't change the pain of walking away from an otherwise good man. Feel free to pm me any time if you need some support. Big tight hugs.

I do talk to my children, especially oldest, about things I probably would not if DH was here, sometimes just the mundane stuff of running a house that they could really care less about. My boyfriend and I talk much more than DH and I did for the past few years he was alive, we were in a rut of only talking about logistics and "to do" lists. I regret the time we wasted not having more meaningful conversations although he tried to squeeze it all after he was diagnosed. The topic of your break from watching the news is interesting to me. Since Tim died I have had a real problem watching the news and keeping up on current events and I'm not really sure why. Sometimes it's embarrassing how out of touch I am.

This is a difficult situation. I think it's great that he is being honest with you even though the truth could end things. I would not allow myself to future think with someone who has one foot in the past but that's easier said than done if that's where your feelings are taking you. I would want to talk about this more with him. When he says he still thinks about the ex what exactly does that mean? Is he idealizing their relationship and comparing yours to theirs? Would he go back to her if she would take him? Or is he just suffering the pain of rejection and loss and having difficulty moving forward? The main thing is that you need to protect your heart. Walking away will be painful but if he leaves you for his ex or can't ever commit, that would be worse.

Today would've been 23 years, we only made it to 20. I'm doing much better than the first 2 anniversaries without him. Last year I had just signed a contract to buy a new house and was totally stressed and emotional. The first year was, well it was the first year. Our 20th anniversary was his first day of chemo so that first anniversary without him was so reliving the anniversary of when our lives changed forever with his diagnosis. Luckily we had celebrated our anniversary early with a trip to the same island resort where we had our honeymoon, a very rare trip just the 2 of us that I will always be grateful for. Today I am studying, going for a kayak and then out to dinner with 2 of my 3 boys (other one is working). I let myself have some time to sit with my memories this morning and I'm feeling sentimental and a little melancholy.

I don't have any advice but this is exactly why I don't ask people to do things that are important to me, I don't handle the disappointment well. My approach is not what I would recommend because I have very few friends left as a result. I think it's good that you let her know you are disappointed, it may not change anything but friends should know that their actions have an impact. I hope this is a turning point in your friendship and she starts to come around.

I think it's important that recognize the positive changes in you in response to your loss. I think it's hard to admit that certain good things have come out of tragedy but I am starting to see them in me too. Of course I would happily go back to the old me if it meant I could have Tim back but that is not an option. You are an amazing role model to your daughter so those few quirks and control issues are nothing compared to all the amazing things you do.

It's such a difficult process, be gentle with yourself as you go through it. Sending you hugs and support from afar.

I can relate to so much of your post and it gives me a pang of deep sadness. I have never been great about making female friends, even as a teenager. Tim and I developed some very close "couple" friends together and I had a few close women friends. My closest friend was widowed 8 years before me and she became an alcoholic and began to destroy her life and our friendship before Tim died. I have 3 friends who I go out to dinner with maybe once a month but it's always a week night because weekends are for husbands. Our "couple" friends are hard to be around, the men have done a better job than the women at keeping in touch and I am equally to blame for those friendships fading out because I'm not good at reaching out. I have not developed any new friendships in widowhood aside from a woman from school and my therapist thinks I need to work on this. I have trouble initiating things because it makes me feel vulnerable. I have a lot of insecurities and some social anxiety that really get in my way. I agree that female friendships are very important and I need to put more effort into the ones I have left and in making new ones. I would have been very hurt by your friends statement of not wanting to be like you. She simply could have apologized for making other plans and not realizing you had signed up. I have no advice but wanted you to know I can relate.

My chapter 2 and DH share some core similarities but are also different in many ways as is the relationship we have. Part of it is my age and what I need and want now, at 47, is very different than what I wanted at 19 when I met DH. DH was very career driven, wanted to be successful and measured success by his financial earnings. He loved to accumulate things, and to share them with friends and family. He was bigger than life, incredibly generous with his time, talents and money. He was not afraid of hard manual work and pitched in any where he could despite being white collar guy. His drive and type A personality were something I loved about him but also left me feeling neglected often. New guy is a blue collar guy, has very basic needs when it comes to material things and is not impressed by or envious of those who have more. He values hard work but likes to leave it behind at the end of the day. He wants to spend time with me, compliments me regularly, respects my opinion. Like DH he is blunt and honest with his opinions, sarcastic and funny, a great Dad. DH was the right man to build a life and a family with. We grew into adults together and my role was primarily to support his career, take care of our home and our children, entertain family and friends. I was very happy in that role, I loved being a wife and a mom, volunteering and working part time. Our relationship would've continued to evolve as our kids grew up, I looked forward to a day when there would be more time to focus on the two of us. That life was taken from me when DH died and I can't go back there. I was forced to be completely independent for the first time in my adult life, to be in charge and make all of the decisions. My kids are growing up so my mom role is changing because their needs have changed and because I am now filling the job of 2 parents. What I need now who is someone who will stand beside me, someone who will support me and my career goals, someone who wants to spend time with me, someone who wants to take care of me and who will let me take care of him. NG meets my needs for where I am now. I guess this is my long winded way of saying that my experience tells me that it is possible to find love and partnership again. It should be viewed as separate and distinct from chapter 1, not a replacement, but something unique and new to meet whatever your needs are now. I will never again share the history of a life together from age 19-44, growing up, having children together, so no relationship can compare to that.

I look back on those early days and it's as if it happened to someone else. My memories are fuzzy which I think is a blessing because I don't need to relive that pain. I'm not sure exactly when things started to change from not wanting to go on to acceptance that life must go on but I know it was a gradual process, starting with only brief moments of hope that took a while to string together. Now the scales have tipped and the good moments outweigh the bad, 32 months later and I won't lie to you and say that there aren't still bad days but they are infrequent. For me, the hardest thing was when I looked too far ahead. Imagining the rest of my life without my DH was too painful. So I would focus on the day in front of me only. Making small goals for the day, some days very small, and trying to block out the thoughts of a future without him. We are all here for you.

From a woman's perspective, a man who is a little clueless that he is a great catch can be very attractive. This may be just what you need to open up to the idea of dating so dust off those flirting skills and see how it feels!

Solo parenting, school, work, and financial worries. Each of those alone is exhausting and you are juggling all of it. First of all, congratulations on completing your degree! I understand how it's hard to celebrate these accomplishments because the daily grind just continues on but it is a really big deal. It's difficult to see the amazing things you have done when you are living in the thick of it but one day you will look back with pride. Sending your son to the grandparents this summer sounds like a great idea and may give you a little breathing room to focus on what comes next for you. You have done so much already and when you are ready you will find that new job. Maybe you can start with putting your resume on some job search websites and sign up for job alerts until you ready to start looking with mor earnest.

SVS my husband had the same thing in his wallet, a photo strip of us from the boardwalk in 1989. What I wouldn't give to go back there too.

I think it must be hard when some things click and other fundamentals don't. Regardless of how this turns out it seems to me like this was a positive relationship for the time it has lasted. Hopefully it fades out peacefully and amicably. Never easy no matter how it ends.

Congratulations Auntie! Nothing better than snuggles with a baby, and you don't have to get up every 2 hours to feed this one!

I can so relate to your post and my anniversary will be on the 22nd. Hugs to you today.

Instead of home improvements on our house I decided to downsize, bought a smaller home last summer and am now going crazy with home improvements on the new place. I think for me it's about making something that reflects me and the kids and our life now. And control. I loved my DH dearly but he had control issues, now I'm in control and I may be going overboard, lol

Boy do I need this! 1. Study for professional license exam 2. Plan son's graduation party 3. Make appointments for Dr, orthodontist, eye Dr, groomer, haircut

Jen you have so many of us in your corner, cheering you on and wishing you peace. I'm glad to hear that today is a little better. Hold onto that and keep searching for things that bring you moments of happiness so you can begin to string those moments together. I have been exploring many alternative treatments to depression with my education and am more open to looking outside the box. If you are open to this I suggest you look outside the traditional medical model to supplement what you are already doing to treat your depression. There is no one single answer that fits everyone but I believe there is an answer for each of us. As always, sending you hugs.

Portside, I have to agree with SVS. Taking positive actions and choosing to focus on today and my future has been helpful for me but I do recognize that it's not always possible for everyone. Depression, physical illness, lack of support, financial insecurity, PTSD and a host of other reasons can complicate the grief process and there is no shame in that. I think it's important to share positive stories to lend hope to those earlier in their grief process but for someone who is suffering with depression these stories can be triggering. For those who feel hopeless, depressed or just plain stuck I encourage you to seek help. Don't give up if your first few attempts to find help are unsuccessful, keeping trying a different therapist, a different medication, alternative options. There is no shame in needing help or extra time to manage your grief and managing your grief and finding contentment in your life is not disrespectful to the spouse you lost.

Here is where you can be real, where you can feel safe to share anything. Thank you for sharing the beautiful details of your memories that show the love you have for your wife.