Trying

Oh boy, I hope your fianc?e knows to be well rested going into your wedding night!

Thank you all for making me feel a little better about my attitude. I was always a compassionate person and I would like to think I still am. Friends, patients and people in general have always felt they could come to me to talk about their problems and I listen with an open heart. I know I am less patient now with what I see as petty problems but this group of people I am in class with is really pushing me past my limits. I don't like feeling that I am insensitive and I really don't want to lose it and end up blurting out all of my sad story to shut them up. I understand that people can't really comprehend problems beyond what they have experienced and I don't fool myself into thinking my life is harder than anyone else's. Wish me luck today as I go spend yet another 8 1/2 hours with these people!

I try very hard at work and school to keep my personal problems out of it. In the early days this was very difficult and I still have my days at 2 1/2 years but I will find a private way to pull myself together when ever possible. I spend over 25 hours a week right now with 15 other people in class and most of them seem to be dealing with one thing or another, like most people, and they bring it to class. I find it very disruptive, it interferes with what we are supposed to be learning and it is unsettling. I have sacrificed a lot of time away from my children and money to be in this program and I am not there to deal with everyone else's emotional baggage. I'm not one to say "my problems are bigger than yours" but I find myself biting my tongue a lot. I do not burden these people with my problems, I have friends, family and a therapist for that. Yesterday I told a woman in class who I have become friendly with that she needs to leave her problems at the door and focus on school, that her problems will still be there when she gets home. I told her that I have to do it every day and I look at school and work as a break from focusing on my issues. Am I just a cold bitch? Is it old fashioned to keep work/school separate from your personal life? I have enough freaking problems of my own without getting dragged into their emotional turmoil. This is the first big thing I have done for myself since my first child was born almost 20 years ago and I am being selfish about wanting to get the most I can out of it. I have no extra emotional energy to spare to people outside my family and close friends and my fellow wids here.

There are no words to say how sad I am for you.

Congratulations widowat33 and good luck with your placement. I have spent a lot of time in te geriatric field also, I think you will find it to be challenging and rewarding! Last Wednesday I took my final exam for my online program and am only waiting to hear about revisions for my graduation project. That program was taking 10-15 hours a week, what will I do with all of that time now?? In May I will be finished with Massage Therapy school and then can sit for my license. Happy to be in the final stretch.

I am also a planner and conservative with my finances so I get your freak out. But... last spring I made a hasty decision to buy a house (downsizing) and to quickly get the house we lived in for 15 years ready to sell. No one who knows me could believe I did such a thing. It was the best decision ever!! Sometimes you have to go with your gut and take a leap. Congratulations!!! Now, deep breaths.

Sitting on the couch in yoga pants ( that saw no yoga today) and drinking a glass of wine while youngest is in The basement with a friend and older two are heading out. I'm trying to make more of an effort to plan things for youngest so I'm ok with it.

I think it's completely understandable after the accident you had to feel extra anxious about your kids driving, it scary enough for those of who have never been in an accident! The way I dealt with anxiety about my older 2 boys driving was to do a on if driving with them when they had their learners permits. DH was still alive when my oldest was learning but I insisted on being the one to take him driving most of the time. We drove on local roads, windy country roads, Interstates, rush hour traffic, different states while looking at colleges. By the time he went for his test I was as comfortable as I was going to get. Of course I was still nervous when he would drive off but I felt like I had seen him handle many situations. There's also nothing wrong with waiting until they older, my on,y caution about that would be that the trading and drivers Ed requirements in my state are different (less) once they turn 18.

I think we should plan a Bago when she gets her first show and give her a ton of Widda support!

Yes, it is most definitely time for some f***ing respite. Hoping we both get some and soon. In the meantime, cyber hugs and solidarity is all I can offer.

1. Took my final exam and passed! Now just waiting to see if I have any revisions to do on my grad project then I will be done with one of my 2 programs 2. Lots of power outages in my town from a storm last night but thankfully not us 3. Looking forward to dinner out with 3 friends tonight

I'm glad you found us here and I'm sorry for your loss. New love doesn't erase our grief. How old are your boys now and how are they doing?

This is a really big step, I'm sure it's triggering all kinds of emotions. Having to sort through what dreams are his, mine or ours has been tough. When you've been married for so long all of those dreams become so intertwined and suddenly you're faced with having to decide what you want for yourself. Big hugs to you.

I am so very sorry that you have suffered such a devastating loss for the second time. I hope you find the support here that I have.

I'm glad you are going to follow up with her, you need to know what she is thinking, or not considering. Keep us posted, you've got my support for whatever that's worth!

It sucks how one negative person can supersede all of the positive support you have gotten. I know how much time and heart you have invested in this, of course it stings. Let the profanities fly!

I am sure that after Rob's long battle with cancer and the 4 months since he died it seems like an eternity to you since life was normal and you felt hopeful. Only in looking back do I realize that 4 months was still shock and survival time. There is no room for hope when you have to focus on breathing, waking up, getting dressed, and trying to function. I can't tell you when hope started to sneak back in but it wasn't in the first year. Now at 2 1/2 years I look very hard for things to feel hopeful about. I find things, small things, here and there. I am planning more for my future and for my kids future again but it's different now. I know now that all of the planning offers no guarantees of happiness but if I don't work towards happiness than I am guaranteed to never find it. Be patient with yourself and your grief. Your job right now is to survive and function at a basic level and allow your broken heart time to heal. If you look to "get over" your loss you will always feel like a failure. All we can do is learn to get on despite our loss.

I'm glad you are going to celebrate his birthday with your sister even though time and circumstances have taken you so far from your life with him. Big hugs to you.

Does having a young child, full time, in your 40's, living in suburbia narrow your dating pool? I would say it probably (definitively) does. It will take a very special man to see the wonderful package that you and your son are and that's what you deserve, a very special man. I'm also in my 40's and in suburbia but my youngest was 9 when DH died which I think is a little different. My boyfriend's kids, however, were 3 and 4 when we started dating. I have to admit that their ages did give me some pause initially. I have 3 boys of my own and wasn't sure I wanted to go back to that stage again. He's divorced so he has every other weekend without them for dating and we waited quite a while before I met them the first time and even longer before I became a person in their life. They are great boys and seeing the parent he is one more thing I love about him. It is going to make combining our lives more complicated because of the big age difference, 5 boys from 5-19 right now between us! I could've passed up on an amazing guy to search for someone with older teens or grown kids but what a loss that would have been. The other thing is that younger kids are pretty accepting so it has been so much easier for me to win his kids over than him with my older ones. Hang in, there are plenty of great men out there and you only need find one of them!

I'm glad you have that sweet memory to visit with and to remind you of the love you shared. I remember reading it when you posted it before and am still so touched by it. It's nice to "see" you here again.

Big hugs to you Mr C. I'm glad to hear you are ready to start really living your life again. I have been working on that as well, though I still have times when I retreat back into my grief, it feels good to not just simply be existing. I think that getting back in touch with the parts of you your DW fell in love with is a beautiful way to honor and connect with her.

SB, as if getting ready to sell your house and move isnt enough, splitting your time between 2 places must have you right on the edge. It will all be worth it but it's so hard to see the toll it takes to get there. My goal is to take some time, even if brief, for unstructured fun with my youngest. I get so wrapped up in all that has to be done that I forget about having fun. The kids and I went on a hike yesterday which was great but I think it made my youngest realize we haven't been doing enough of that lately. Balance. I need to strive for more balance.

I'm sorry I have no answers for you, only many questions of my own. I can't figure the damn thing out and don't have my taxes ready, still too many complicated things financially since DH died.

Sadly enough my 11 year old had a total melt down last night and once he calmed down enough to talk a little he said he hates how I have changed everything. The move across town, me going back to school and NG. He has been the easy one and it seems I have underestimated the effect of all of this change on him. It's so hard to know what is right for my kids while I'm trying to figure out what is right for me.

Around this time last year I was feeling very unmotivated, like I was going through the motions and getting the basic things done but nothing more. I decided I needed to take some action and be more active in my pursuit of happiness and fulfillment. I started making changes and taking on new challenges. I bought a house, sold our own home, downsizing and purging a lot of our belongings. I went back to school, full time classroom for one program plus a separate on line certification program. I have one son struggling who has now quit college, another son graduating in June who I've been helping with his college search. My 11 year old who is active and busy with school and sports. I'm in a wonderful chapter 2 relationship that requires time and attention to nurture and grow. When school is done in May I am looking at opening my own business and doing a complete career change. Oh, and I'm doing some major renovations on the new house this spring. I'm writing it all out because last night NG pointed out to me how much I have taken on and hearing him list it all was an eye opener. No wonder I'm stressed out! I'm really happy about the move and about my new career path but maybe I have taken the whole "life is too short" thing to the extreme. Lately I have been missing DH so much and the partnership we had, the way he was so capable. But I am realizing now that I never tackled so much at one time when he was alive. I think he would be completely shocked to see all that I am trying to do. He would probably talk me out of a lot of it. So I find myself in the span of a year going from feeling stagnant to this crazy, chaotic life full of change. Now I have to figure out how to find a happy medium, somewhere in the middle where I am challenging myself and growing but also taking the time to just enjoy life. How do you find balance in this new chapter of your life?