Trying

You are such an inspiration! I can't even imagine how difficult and scary this is for you but you are doing it despite all of that, so you and your son can have a better future. Keep looking forward, we are all standing right behind you cheering you on.

Not that long ago I remember posting about feeling stuck, unable to make decisions or changes. I was feeling that the past, my life with DH, our love, and the world we created together was holding me in place. I spent most of my time wishing he was here, wishing I had my old life back, being sad and angry. I wanted to move forward, I wanted to be happy but I had one foot in the past and most of my heart right there too. I had my whole life planned out by the time I was 17 and everything went according to plan, college, career, marriage, kids, home. Then DH got sick and was gone 4 months later. I found myself with the key part of my plan, my DH, missing. My future was built around him, my dreams and plans were his too, and none of it was possible without him. Then in May I found a new house that we will be moving to in 2 weeks. I'm packing up the home that DH and I had built together, sorting through memories as I prepare to downsize and simplify. Deciding that the memories are always going to be with me even if many of his "things" are not has been difficult but freeing, I am slowly cutting the ties holding me in the past. I am not forgetting my past or my love for DH but I can no longer live there in the past. This week I also made the leap to begin my work towards a career change, moving forward on all fronts. It's an incredibly scary and emotional time and I really can't believe I am doing all of this. I've been inspired by so many of my widda friends here who have taken chances and made big changes, either by choice or necessity. I think I am finally getting the idea of moving beyond active grieving. I can honor the past and my love for DH without living in the past. I can't have my old life and my love back but I can have a new life and new love and new dreams. Change involves risk, something I have never been comfortable with which explains the intense anxiety I have been feeling but there is a feeling of excitement and hope too. I needed to put this in writing so that when fear and doubt creep in I can read this and keep moving forward. I don't know what I would do without the support you all give me.

So last night the group who left me out of the fireworks invited me for a girls night, this was the second invite since leaving me out, I refused the first, so even though I couldn't get there until 8:30 after a long day, I decided to go and give them a chance. I thought the 2 recent invites must be because they felt bad. So I went, and it was awkward and they made several references to funny things that happened at the fireworks and several other get togethers I wasn't included in. They were oblivious that I had been hurt. I didn't bother to say anything. What's the point? I also got several comments about how strong I am so handling packing up my home, downsizing and moving will be no problem for me. I guess my super human strength and lack of emotions lets everyone else off the hook.

I am very sorry for your loss. Right now you have to try to focus just on today, what you need to do to take of yourself and your children. Looking for answers and looking too far ahead is too daunting. You have found a wonderful support network here, when you feel no one in your life "gets it" you can find people here who unfortunately do.

Scent memories are so strong! I'm glad you were able to do that for your daughter and see her smile. I find its so tricky with my kids to know what might bring them comfort versus memories that are too painful. It sounds like you hit it just right. I'm sorry it's been a extra rough time recently.

I'm glad you had fun and got a much needed kid free get away!

I know that feeling all too well! I have always been socially shy and that feeling of conversations stopping when I walked in The room made me so self conscious. I definitely have made my situation worse by not taking the initiative with friends and now they are drifting away. My advice is to pick up the phone, make plans, and keep trying until it gets less awkward for everyone. Oh, and always have an escape plan for the times you just can't stick it out!

TooSoon, woo hoo for you!! I am loving the uncharacteristic self indulgence idea, good for you!

I can't wait for the stories and the pictures! Don't leave anything out, even if you have to change names to protect the not so innocent. Those of us stuck in the drudgery of home need to share in your adventures virtually. Safe travels to all

I'm sorry you're feeling so miserable. Do you know how long you will be on the medication? Maybe you can plan something for when you are done to celebrate that way you can have something positive to look forward to and focus on when you are feeling low. I also think that everything physical or emotional is heightened and more difficult to handle because we are so depleted from grief. I hope the effects of the meds become more tolerable with time, you really need a break!

I echo what the others have said, this forum is a lifesaver, I'm glad you found us but I am so sorry you needed to. Children give us a reason to get up and keep moving but also make our grief journey more challenging. Take advantage of anyone you have who can take them out for a few hours so you have time to take of yourself and process your own grief. The single parent part is a big adjustment, take it one step at a time and be patient with yourself. You are only one person and it takes time to figure out how to mange it all on your own. It will be 2 years for me in September and while there are many days I think I'm doing a good job on my own, there are other days that it still feels overwhelming.

Justin I'm glad to hear you were able to take control of the day and the fact that you and your DD had some good quality time together is the best way to honor your DW. For me anticipation is always the worst but for my oldest son, significant dates, holidays and events are difficult. This usually means we are not on the same page unfortunately. Wishing you peace and joy as you begin year 2.

-Weekend goals all finished! -Yesterday met with moving company and finalized arrangements -Today I called and arranged cancellation or transfer of all utilities and services from old house to new -sent pictures of all furniture that I need to sell to estate sale person New goals: -Dumpster to be delivered Thurs, start filling it! -pick up boxes and packing material -go through the dreaded holiday decoration storage closet and purge 50%, pack the rest

I think it can be very isolating when you live in a small town. As your son gets a little older and more involved in school, sports and activities it will be a little easier to connect with people through that. DH and I were often split up with kids in different directions and many other families are too so at those things I don't feel so set apart. However, there are those family events when I stick out like a sore thumb and it really does suck. Working mom, widowed mom, mom of a toddler, that's all very isolating in a family day event. I think it's awesome that you went and put up with your own feelings so your son could have fun.

Is it no wonder I am riding an emotional roller coaster? I'm crying, Im Excited, I'm having panic attacks, all I want to do is sleep, I can't sleep, I attack a room or a closet and fill 3 bags for the dump and more for donation, I can't remember anything, memories are flooding my thoughts, I'm yelling at my kids, I'm Hugging my kids like I may never let go. I am a crazy person. My "to do" lists have lists. A few people with sincere offers of help and I have no idea how they can help. I am so lonely and all I want is to be left alone. Is this a nervous breakdown or just the warm up to one? All of you who have sold the home you shared with your love, I am in awe of you!

Unconditional love is exactly what you deserve, take your fill of it to keep you strong in the days ahead. You are doing amazing!

CG, sorry to hear about the sick kid and hugs for your anniversary.

I am in bed, watching TV because my first floor AC crapped out and I'm tired of sweating. Cool and comfy and tired from a day of sorting and purging in prep for our move. I will be asleep before 10:00 I'm sure.

Goals for the weekend - start packing/purging pool house - go through what is left of DHs coats and shoes and pack away or donate - make list of furniture and big household items to sell - keep breathing

I hope you were able to get it all to work out. So many details to keep track of when moving, it's no wonder some things are going to get overlooked!

Adding my support and totally understand that here is the one place you feel you can open up.

Needytoo that church woman needs a reminder that things brought up in group, even if it's at lunch and not an official meeting, need to stay private or no one will feel comfortable sharing. That must have been very uncomfortable for you to get that call from your SIL! As for the volunteer parents, people need to learn that there are many different family situations and never assume anything! Would it have hurt to ask politely if your child's father was available to volunteer? You could be divorced, he could be disabled, he could be out of country in the military or he could be dead! Why jump to him being an uninvolved Dad? Sometimes people suck.

Yesterday was his CT scan, no results yet. Sitting in that same waiting room that I sat in so many times with DH was a huge trigger. Other unrelated stressful events yesterday piled on and had me crying a good part of the afternoon, not able to focus on anything well. He really deserves a stronger parent, I was so much stronger when I went Through this with my middle son because I had DH by my side. I was always the calm one in control of the medical stuff for the family, reassuring everyone, doing my research, being in charge. I hate that my son is seeing me fall apart, as much as I try to hide it, he's 19 and he sees the difference.

Ugh, just ugh, orientation for a new job is stressful enough. Coming home from a long day to a mess my kids left always pushes me over the edge, but an adult not doing anything would be way worse. Why does accepting someone's help for one thing always come with a downside? Hang in.

I wanted to added a little personal experience but I will preface it with saying I believe you should always trust your gut. I obviously don't know the inner details of your situation. I have several couple friends who DH and I were, and I continue to be, very touchy and lovey. Meaning we hug and kiss, say I love you, maybe a pat on the bottom in front of the spouse in jest and many jokes of a sexual nature. Always in front of the spouse, never an inappropriate moment when alone. New guy has met this group and I warned him ahead of time about our dynamics but predicted they would respectful in front of him which they were, but a few slip ups as the night went on everyone was more comfortable. New guy was not threatened by this, took it for what it was based on the reactions of everyone else it was obviously innocent. On the other hand, my son has a friend whose Dad is divorced and a serial monogamous since, falling in love over and over. He would text me often, checking up on me and the boys and what we needed help with. No flirting or joking inappropriately. New guy said "he wants you". I said, "you're crazy". Fast forward a month or so and the guy asked me out saying we could make a great family! My point is, his gut was right. Not in his trust of me but in the situation, something I didn't see. Innocent flirty banter didn't bother him but something about the other exchange did and he was right. I no longer text that guy, even though he accepted my refusal, out of respect for new guy. Im sorry this hurts so much and his calling and texting is probably causing you a lot of confusion. (((Momtojandj)))