Portside

There are plenty of us here who found out some unsettling things about our late spouse after they died. I just chose to ignore it all - for me, it was just easier that way. Good luck - Mike

A man's point of view: To act on those feelings is a recipe for disaster. Sure, I get feeling that way - I did too - I wanted to bang every woman in sight. But, not a good choice for the stated problem. It would have demeaned both the ladies and myself and just added to my sense of loss and feeling at odds with the world. Just ignore it and the feelings will pass. Good luck - Mike

I'll bet he is. ;D

Hi Julie - My personal take on viewing the scene photos and reading the autopsy report is to avoid them. If you view the pictures, your last memory of your BF will be of his shattered body - not how you currently remember him. The images of his broken body may possibly never leave you memory and who really wants that? Similarly, autopsy reports are filled with medical terms and jargon that will mean very little to laymen such as ourselves. Everyone is different, of course, but I don't suggest that course of action. Best wishes - Mike

In order: No, I don't think you will be able to pull this off without some type of help. Yes, two of them. I had the kids go for one year - they attended together. Weekly meetings for the first month. Bi-weekly for 2 months and monthly for the remainder of the year. Your fears about him not expressing his feelings to you are, most likely, correct. He can tell you are hurting too and doesn't want to add to it. By way of explanation: My youngest sons were 9 and 10 when their mother killed herself. My youngest found her. It was a gruesome scene. Ugh. To say they were a mess would be an understatement. School really wasn't a problem as they only had one month to go until summer vacation and frankly, their teachers took pity on them and probably just ignored the lagging schoolwork. My youngest was so affected by what he saw that he became mute for 5 or 6 months. Honestly, not a word. Further, he followed me around like a toddler even to the point of sticking his fingers underneath the bathroom door when I was in there. I didn't allow either of them to sleep in my room but I fell asleep on the floor of their room plenty of times. My poor baby was a wreck. I started them in therapy immediately – the week following their mother’s death. The boys had a saint of a therapist who allowed them to talk about whatever they wanted to – or not. Sometimes, they just sat there for the full hour. It was fine with her. She gave me timely updates which also served to reinforce my efforts as a widowed Dad thrust into a storm. I always knew what was bugging them or what concerns they had via her updates. As time went on, my J. began speaking again and seemed pretty well-adjusted, all things considered. I quit the therapy for them after about a year as the provider said they would be fine and they (and I!) didn’t need her anymore. She was right. The boys sailed through middle and high school with no more issues than any other teenage boys normally have. Both of the boys have done just fine as young adults - J1 is now a senior in college – he’ll graduate in May with an Engineering degree. My youngest is in the US Navy stationed on a guided missile destroyer somewhere in the Pacific working as a missile technician. They have no social/emotional/mental issues that I can see and I expect them to continue to have full, productive adult lives. I’m convinced the therapy long ago helped them immensely. Good luck – Mike Ps – PM me if you wish.

I think that is part and parcel of our human experience. It's a balance we have to strike as we go on and begin to build a new life. I'm about ten years out - some things I remember easily. Others are long since lost to the mists of time. It's okay - I needed for that to happen to keep move forward. You'll find what works for you and your family as time goes on. Best wishes - Mike

Good for you! It's always exciting to push off and start a new adventure. Good luck - Mike

Do you love him? Does he love you? Nowhere in your post is that addressed. All the questions/issues you pose are secondary to my two questions above. I think you are getting ahead of yourself here. Good luck - Mike

It's different for everyone. For some it comes quicker than for others. So, just keep taking those steps forward as it suits you. Good luck - Mike

Hey Jman - sorry to hear about the passing of your dear wife. My wife passed almost 10 years ago and I had two little boys at home and two older ones at that time. Try not to worry too much about all the fine points of whether or not you are doing everything right by your kids. It sounds like you are doing just fine. Ignore the things that can be ignored. I've never had to take care of triplets so I don't have anything on that for you but sleep when you can and just keep plodding through when you need to. It sounds like you've learned to say "No" when needed - it's a great skill to have. In my own experience, I noticed that many think a widowed Dad with small children has no idea how to do anything. Honestly, I think they mean well but sometimes the advice they provide is just plain wrong for our specific situation. Eventually you'll find out who you can count on and those who you can't. I didn't have to move away to make a clean start but if you need to do that for your family, and the proper opportunity presents itself, do it. Hang in there - it does get easier as time rolls on. Good luck - Mike

Good question. It's probably different for each of us. I felt I was ready when it didn't bother me that I was alone. Take the plunge and see what happens - someone has to be the first. If you aren't ready, believe me, you'll know. Good luck - Mike

It does work - that's why they do it. Some 'Ladies' say similar things too. Not everyone is a decent guy/gal. If you are in the dating market for any length of time, you'll run into one. It's no different than high school except for the fact that the players are older. Good luck - Mike

Ah, I see. Of course every situation is unique but if everyone is cool and you all want this to work out, it can be done successfully. (I know, I know - you aren't in a relationship yet ;D) After the death of my late wife, I brought four sons and my intended brought two kids into a remarriage. We all didn't care about the numbers of kids and I also had a former wife in the picture. Former wife is a peach who was very kind to all when my late wife was dying. She and my current wife get along great - as do I. Like I said, it all depends on the personalities of all involved and what one desires. Good luck ! - Mike

I'm a bit confused - is it the fact that this guy has 4 kids that bugs you or are you inferring that this fella will not want another child and that part of it concerns you? Mike

Cool post - great attitude - thanks!

When I was dating online, I made a point to very quickly move from communication on the site to a physical meet somewhere. I didn't eliminate anyone online. I didn't have any questions that needed to be answered in a particular way in order for me to meet. Well one - if you are a post-op trans, I'm not your guy. I wanted to meet the woman and see/hear the full person. A question or two online wouldn't do it for me. Yes, I'd move on if she was outside the bounds of my normal - was a pedophile, murderer, etc. But that didn't ever happen. I certainly had my wish list in my head, but it was just that - a wish list. It turns out some of the most interesting woman didn't hit the items on my list. And I would have never met them had I gone down a list of Qs before a meet. Good luck - Mike

Most of us have been there one time or another. Try not to be too hard on yourself. I had a similar outburst years ago. I apologized to my son. He told me "It's okay Dad, I always forgive you." That made me feel worse. The kids will be fine. You will be fine. It just takes time - that's all. Best wishes - Mike

After my late wife died, my priest asked me "What do you want to do now?" I had no idea. After years of devoting my time and energies to my ill wife, I had put aside all thoughts of what I needed for myself. I'm a happy guy by nature but I did feel the lack of fun right after I was widowed. To fill that hole, I tried all sorts of new activities and groups to see what thought might be fun. I tried anything that was suggested to me - rowing, golf, dance lessons, lectures, rugby, weightlifting, painting classes, plays, etc., etc., etc. I did most of these things alone which was hard at first but eventually became my standard procedure. Lots and lots of false starts or only one visit to a particular event as it just wasn't for me. But, after a time, I found some things that were fun and a nice diversion from the grind of work and caring for the kids. Just try anything that strikes your fancy. Good luck - Mike

Bunny - what is 'age inappropriate' anyway? Over the years, I've seen 'rules' posted here regarding age ranges. Why would anyone believe such a thing? Of course, if someone has in their head an appropriate range of age difference for themselves that's cool. But to offer a general idea of what is appropriate for all does not take into account an individual's desires/needs. When I was dating, I had a GF who was 19 years younger than me. We got along wonderfully. We each left the relationship on good terms with great affection for each other. The only real problems we had were when we were out and a woman my age accosted her and pitched a fit. p.s. - darn right we have big egos. It's what lets us kill spiders and open jar lids that are on too tight. ;D Best wishes - Mike

Sorry to hear of your husband's passing. Yes, it is possible that life becomes good again at some point. It may not seem like it ever could be but many of us have eventually reached that point. A former poster here, Kate, had two small children and was pregnant with her third when her dear husband died. Oh, and going to nursing school full time. I'm still in contact with her and she has gone on to build a very good, happy life for herself and her kids. Please don't lose hope. Good luck, Mike

Hmmmm - tough one. For my sons, once they were out of college, I was out of the picture financially. BUT, daughter flunked out of college due to her own lifestyle choices and moved back home. She is now working 3 part-time jobs to pay her way, such as it is. She doesn't pay me room or board but is responsible for her phone, school loan payments, car payments and car insurance. I figure I'll give it a year or so and then nudge her out again. It won't be a surprise though, we have already discussed it. I'm cramping her party and sleeping around style big time. She wants out as bad as I'd like her to be on her own. Good luck - Mike

Heck yes. I did it and never gave it a thought. But, I must say, I normally call all women close to me (sisters, cousins, GFs when I had them, SD, DIL, long term dear friends and wife) "Honey" so as to reduce mistakes - my instant recall isn't as instant as it once was. Only have had a few errors at work and no one freaked out about it. Good luck - Mike

See! If we all search hard and long enough, there can be common ground between us. ;D Merry Christmas or Happy Hanukkah - as the case may apply - Mike

SL, you're not catching what I'm pitching dear. Please read my first post in this thread. He's an ass. Really - that's the long and short of it. Best wishes, Mike

These items have become 'your' things. Distribute, or not, as YOU see fit. I gave some family items back to my SILs/BIL/MIL and kept others for my children. I asked them what they wanted if anything, but still, the decision was mine. Not everyone was 100% thrilled with my choices. Good luck - Mike ps - My advice is a big fat NO to SIL re the microscope as basically, she wanted to steal it. (Possession without permission and/or compensation). You offer her touchiness and prickliness as an item to take into account when dividing up things. You can't see this but I am pointing at my face signaling "This is my don't-give-a-shit-face".