On line dating vents and laughs......

[SemperFidelis]

Patswife, thank you for posting your story. I found it very interesting. I love the lack of hesitation in introducing his family, so cool!

 

Arneal, I hear ya on the dating thing. Things with my husband also progressed quickly, and we committed to each other rapidly.....me working two days per week and him being medically retired, I feel like I spent more time with him in our 6years than many couples do in 20years. When I was married, I never understood why other unmarried couples I knew didn't tie the knot faster.... I thought "shi*t or get off the pot". But I just didn't know anything else. Anyway, its really weird and new to be moving at such a slow pace with new guy. I understand those people now who are dating or engaged for years before marrying. A slow pace is good for me now.....and gosh the dynamic is just soooo different.

[MrsDan]

In general the profile leads a guy to come to the idea that you are on an ongoing quest for self-improvement and that this is important to you. While, I think we can all agree that is a wonderful and worthy goal, that is not what a man wants to read in a profile. I know, I know – what could be wrong with that you ask yourself. Rightly or wrongly, most men don’t care about that. We aren’t interested in your self-growth. Oh, it is certainly a commendable way to live, but guys don’t want to hear about your yoga or meditation activities. That’s girly stuff. We want to know if you would be a good fit for me. Self-centered yes, but that is how it is. A man’s take may be – after all this self-improvement stuff, she’s gonna come after me with it and he’ll run screaming from the room.

 

I completely disagree. This may not be what YOU care about. But it is what some men do care about. My boyfriend said that what he was really looking for was someone who had their shit together (pause for laughter at the fact that he ended up with me). But what he meant was, he was looking for someone with a good foundation or solid goals to get there. Someone who has things they are passionate about. I would definitely say he is interested in self improvement. He also does yoga and meditates.

 

While I believe one should keep the person they are trying to attract in mind, I don't believe those things are as gendered as you do. I think you should write your profile with the person who are trying to attract in mind. If self improvement is important to her, why on Earth would she want to go out with someone who doesn't care about her self improvement? Or who only cares about what a potential partner can offer them? That sounds completely unappealing to me. You're operating from the assumption that those are the only type of guys available.

[SemperFidelis]

Portside, I liked reading your feedback. Mostly because it basically summarized how I felt about a lot of men's profiles on Match.

 

When I was on Match, I saw a lot of men's profiles that had self-improvement bits too....meditation, yoga whatever. For me, I steered clear of those. Even though I am sure they are wonderful men with a lot to offer, I don't have the emotional energy to be a part of someone's spiritual quest. It also makes me feel like if I got serious with that person then they might ditch me in the name of self improvement and enlightenment.

 

So I think MrsDan is onto something. There are indeed men who are minded like Needytoo.

[MrsDan]

One thing that really aggravated me were all the guys who were looking for "active" women. Women who lived lives of non-stop excitement. One guy even said, "You'd better keep up." I'm a mom. My life is not exciting. I feel like anyone can appear fun when you're in a fun setting doing fun things. Sort of like The Bachelor, where they are always in these exotic locales. The people you can bring joy and fun to the everyday, to real life, that's who makes a good partner in my opinion. Someone you're perfectly content to do absolutely nothing with. With my boyfriend, I was honest, and the fact that he didn't run away when he'd ask about my weekend and I'd talk about how I did my cooking for the week, is pretty telling.

[SemperFidelis]

One thing that really aggravated me were all the guys who were looking for "active" women. Women who lived lives of non-stop excitement. One guy even said, "You'd better keep up." I'm a mom. My life is not exciting. I feel like anyone can appear fun when you're in a fun setting doing fun things. Sort of like The Bachelor, where they are always in these exotic locales. The people you can bring joy and fun to the everyday, to real life, that's who makes a good partner in my opinion. Someone you're perfectly content to do absolutely nothing with. With my boyfriend, I was honest, and the fact that he didn't run away when he'd ask about my weekend and I'd talk about how I did my cooking for the week, is pretty telling.

 

Yeah, I found those type of profiles to be pretty fishy. I am insanely active myself, but I don't give a rip whether my partner is active with me or without me or not at all. It doesn't tell me anything about who that person is REALLY deep down.  Anyone can do fun stuff together....but like you pointed out, it's the downtime compatibility that matters most.

 

I will admit, when men would state in profiles they were seeking active women, I couldn't help have the hunch they might just be looking for a certain physique.....not sure.

[arneal]

I had to laugh about the activity report on a profile because I made sure to say I was going to the gym regularly and was hoping for someone who shared an enjoyment for being fit. I just started going after my husband died because I work a sedentary job and it showed  I wanted to put it out there that I was a work in progress and wanted someone who could appreciate that. As it turns out, ng sustained a back injury and lost quite a bit of muscle tone (so he says ... guess I'm just partial because he looks just fine to me lol). He appreciates talking about ways he can get back into strength training and all that so not having a gym partner was certainly not a deal breaker for me. I also stayed away from the profiles where the guy did everything from biking to kayaking to skydiving, etc. If you've got all that going on, I'd never be able to keep up with these knees! And as far as excitement? Not here. I work from home, try to pay my bills, and take care of my dogs  ;D However, ng is pretty low key as well and since I do pretty okay in the kitchen and his ex didn't cook, I've gotten brownie points there! It's about figuring out how you connect with someone. How can we relate to one another in a positive way that brings joy to us both.

[RobFTC]

Rightly or wrongly, most men don’t care about that. We aren’t interested in your self-growth. Oh, it is certainly a commendable way to live, but guys don’t want to hear about your yoga or meditation activities.

 

Men are, by and large, simple creatures who don’t want to read a profile that causes them to ponder more questions than it answers.

 

Hey, what's not to like about yoga? :-)

 

I guess I am not as simple as you, Mike.  I have been paying some attention to a relatively new site that seems to be on the rise, MeetMindful.com, which is aimed at people who are a little more thoughtful and comtemplative.  Less makeup, more granola, more Birkenstocks, that sort of thing.  I'd have to head to Boulder to do really well on that site, but it is interesting.

 

As always, not all of us fit the stereotypes.

 

Take care,

Rob T

[tybec]

Just wanted to say I appreciate the different perspectives on things shared, .  I may not always agree, but getting me out of my comfort zone is the only way to grow.  Porterside, I see your points.  I married a Marine who was in Desert Storm, date a vet, come from a family of men, dad being in WW II.  I get your info.  That being said, my one brother is a marriage and family therapist who played football, wrestled, coached, and is a trainer for play therapists for children now,  and he and his wife have the marriage I hope to have some day, a total partnership.  So, I can appreciate the other aspects of lots of men, too.  I guess I am growing to the point not to get offended at a difference of opinion.  Today, at least. 

[klim]

I'm having a little trouble with the "active" label. DH and I were active together, that was our thing....it's what I know. It's what I feel comfortable with. I like to hike to camp to bike..but I like hamburgers and fries....it's a balance. I consider myself  tall/big/fit but I'm not buff or lean. I don't have the classic physique of an active girl.

 

So I go looking for those seeking an active partner and yes quite often I think they are just saying they want someone lean and fit. That is not me.

 

So I try saying outdoorsy...and I get people that want to camp interior for the whole summer and eat dried whatever....

 

Just saying, labels don't always help, that is why these sites are hard to navigate.

 

 

 

[arneal]

and yes quite often I think they are just saying they want someone lean and fit. That is not me.

 

So I try saying outdoorsy...and I get people that want to camp interior for the whole summer and eat dried whatever....

 

Just saying labels don't always help that is why these sites are hard to navigate.

 

klim -- yes! 'eat dried whatever'! Made me laugh because that is so on point. LOL!

[Mrskro]

So this just happened.  Was I too subtle about the skipping the dating part?

 

 

Him:  hi there. How is your search going?

 

ME: Oh you know it's internet dating lol. How is yours going?

 

Him:  Same. I think people like to hide behind their phones:) looking to meet someone. You?

 

Me:  Oh I definitely agree. But on the flip side I've found a lot of people aren't actually interested in the dating part either, so it's easier to hide behind a phone until you get a feel for someone.

 

Him:  Are you open to a lover ongoing. One fit and passionate male

 

UMMM WHAT?!?!?

 

Me:  Nope, I need the dating part first. But good luck in your search

[SemperFidelis]

Mrskro, wow....just wow...bizarre.

[Captains wife]

Oh boy - why are so many people relationship adverse??? I wish there was better segmentation of dating sites - Ie one site for hook ups, one site for friends with benefits, one site for people really looking to properly recouple ? And everyone sticks to meeting people on their designated site... Lol

[Momtojandj]

So after taking a break from online and dating . I went back in , and have a date Thursday night. I have already spoke with him on the phone, and googled the heck out of him. Lol.

[klim]

I'm not sure this was a good opening line  what do you think

 

"You have the prettiest nose I have seen in the longest time. What's your secret"

 

I just didn't know how to answer??!!??( plus I didn't want to)

[momtokam]

Oh boy klim! 

I've had the nose guy too! And my nose is not small and cute. I gave credit to my Greek parents!  😂

[Momtojandj]

Second date today , really wanted to feel a spark, chemistry and nothing ....Sigh . I tried. Now to tell him .. :-(

[Momtojandj]

Sunshine .. Ok the 18 year old.. Ugh! And the ghosting guy ? I don't get it .

 

[klim]

yes what questions do you ask to get the ball rolling and get a feel for a person ,without it sounding like an interview....

two I  sometimes use are...1) pretend you have $20000 and you have to take a holiday in the next 2 weeks, where would you go and what would you do there?

 

and then i follow that with 2) ok switching it up a bit you have $20 and a full tank of gas ,how do you make a day of it?

 

Any other ideas?

[sdarrah1130]

I met NG online.  We played "would you rather" as an ice breaker and to get to know each other.....

e.g. Would you rather steak or seafood, beer or wine, bike or swim. 

 

Once we got to know each other the would you rathers became quite interesting............

[twin_mom]

I always asked the: you can vacation anywhere, where would you go? Because that has no "wrong" answer, but can tell you so much about a person...

Other things I asked (NG says I was pretty intense with my questioning but subtle which I deny, but I did hit it off with all the people I met in person, so maybe he's right?)

-worst job they ever had and why

-best thing about their job now

-best thing about their most recent ex/relationship- because let's face it, all relationships have something good at least in the beginning and if he can't say one positive thing about his ex then that's an issue

-worst present they ever received

-best present they ever gave

 

I think these types of get-to-know-yous can really tell you a lot about the person and if their priorities line up with yours.

[momtokam]

SunshineFL,

 

We gravitate to thinking the best of people and assume they are being honest and genuine. It's pretty sad when we have to start wondering about someone's motives if they seem too nice or too interested.

 

But we can't change who we are. We can't get jaded. The real deal is out there. It may take some time for them to find their way to us, but I trust that they will.

 

Is this too PolyAnna thinking? Maybe.

 

In the meantime, enjoy what comes, have fun, flirt, whatever.... Do what makes you smile. We all know, life is too short. 

[momtokam]

In terms of questions, I really don't have a routine or list I go through with new people.

 

I find it best to just be myself and go with the natural flow of the conversation and let them be themselves. If it flows naturally, it works for me.

 

If they are psycho, they will soon show their true colours! 😁

[Portside]

I also did not have any special list of questions to pose to a date. Honestly I disliked the make-believe scenario type questions from a date as they seemed to me to be a contrived method of just talking. They felt like they were lifted from a copy of Cosmo or something similar.

 

I've had a very interesting life - ask me about it. Likewise, I'll ask you about you.

 

There is always something to talk about. It can be as simple as "How was your day?" or "Did you do anything for yourself last weekend?". 

 

Good luck - Mike

 

 

[arneal]

Agreed, Portside. I think because I spend enough time asking interview-type questions for work, I wanted to avoid that on a date. In hindsight, the best thing I did was be me -- the me I am still becoming in this new life. I realized the other day a couple of things that make dating weird:

 

First, it dawned on me that I've not been single for about 25 years ... nearly half my life. When I got married the first time, there was no social networking and barely personal computers.

 

Second, in both instances, conversation was much more organic because we saw each other every day (first husband was a contractor at the college I attended and second husband and I worked in the same building). Questions like, 'Hey, how's it going?' weren't awkward.

 

Now that I am on the other side of both those experiences as a widow, I realized another couple of things:

 

I need to be me in all instances. I'm too old to be anyone else so I better like me. I better enjoy my own hobbies. I better know how to laugh at my own jokes (and at myself) before trying to allow someone else into my circle. I think I mentioned that I have dogs; I refer to myself as the pack leader and everyone who knows me also knows these two monsters are closer to me than my children. This is my real life so whoever connects with me should be willing to understand my quirks just as much as I try to understand theirs.

 

For me today, the organic nature of conversation and connection is the same, but different (groan - can't believe I wrote that  ;D). If I meet a new person and only see him once a week or so, I can't expect the level of connection to happen as quickly as it had in my past relationship(s) where I was seeing the person nearly every day. That was an epiphany for me ... NG and I have seen each other nearly every weekend for the past three months, but that would equate to two weeks' worth of conversation between my former husband and me.

 

When NG and I first met, I can't begin to tell you what we talked about! The phone conversation lasted more than an hour and the first time we met face-to-face, we talked for almost three hours. I think there was a level of compatibility there so we talked about family, where we were from, what brought us to this area, what sort of work we did. We still talk a lot about those general topics, which is also real life, right?

 

After that long-winded rabbit trail, my advice would be to be comfortable. If playing 20 questions works, go for it. But be sure to listen to what the other person is saying because it goes a long way if you show interest in what he or she says and can remember it later.