momtokam Posted October 18, 2016 Author Share Posted October 18, 2016 Some of these posts have me literally laughing out loud. Me too! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arneal Posted October 19, 2016 Share Posted October 19, 2016 Momto -- full stop guy: wow! I have tried the Google search on mobile phone numbers and didn't have much luck, which was why I was happy to find Sideline so I wasn't giving out my primary number straight away. I appreciated the opportunity to connect off-site since many of the ones I had been on required you to pay and I wasn't sure I wanted to do that. However, the number of men who wanted to use apps instead of texting was sort of weird to me. I'd get questions like 'Do you have so-and-so app? Let's connect there and get off the site', or some were more direct and would say, 'Download so-and-so app so we can talk offline'. Really? I downloaded one of those apps when one guy asked me nicely and after our messages on the site were friendly. However, he used too many emoticons and too much text-speak for me (I text in full sentences - ha!). Eventually, I used the free weekend opportunities and tried to stay on the site longer because of the weird experiences. It was one of those free times that I ended up meeting NG Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
serpico Posted October 19, 2016 Share Posted October 19, 2016 I'm trying to think of a downside for giving your number out when the purpose is to actually date these people. You can always block the psychos. Am I missing something? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arneal Posted October 19, 2016 Share Posted October 19, 2016 serpico -- for me it was a matter of trust. I don't know who's on the other side of the screen. I need a minute to get to know the person. I felt better offering an alternative to my primary mobile # first rather than a complete aversion to giving out a number. Can't speak for others but that was my rationale Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Needytoo Posted October 19, 2016 Share Posted October 19, 2016 You are so right Serpico. I battle with the being safe and the trust side of things and then decided to go with trust. I gave this guy my number who was messaging me a lot using the online dating app since giving out my cell number haven't heard a thing. Very confused but moving on. Had one guy message me and ask why I was single. I told the truth and then asked him the same question. He said it was because he hasn't met me. He has down on his profile he is a chef, so I asked where he works, and he told me MacDonald's. Yep, trying not to judge. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SemperFidelis Posted October 19, 2016 Share Posted October 19, 2016 Too funny, Needytoo. ;-) At least he's honest? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arneal Posted October 20, 2016 Share Posted October 20, 2016 Thanks for sharing, Sunshine. That is an interesting reply ... hadn't pressed it because he hadn't found anyone new sounds like the not-yet-ex may still be a FWB. My LH had been legally separated from his former when we met; he hadn't finalized because he was standing on the grounds that she should pay a portion of the costs. When that didn't happen, he filed. I actually did the paperwork NG was separated when we met and his divorce just finalized last month. It was something I didn't talk about with him, even though he brought it up straight away; I tend to be more of a wait and see, and if you don't do what you say I'll call you on it. I didn't have to call BS in either situation, thank God, and both LH and NG were/are worth the wait in my estimation Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
klim Posted October 20, 2016 Share Posted October 20, 2016 I don't see separated as a redflag. The separated people( men and women) I know have many different reasons why it takes time. I actually have never met any them that say they are just waiting to figure out if it is for real. Mostly it is just not wanting to deal, financial delays, time to come to agreements...lawyers , court delays...lots of different reasons. Quite often they are ready to move ahead before all this comes in to place. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SemperFidelis Posted October 20, 2016 Share Posted October 20, 2016 Disabled my OKC account - yet another online break seriously needed after yet another married man tried to connect with me. This one texted with a good morning message saying that he wished I lived closer to him. Two or three short texts later, I asked if he was widowed, divorced or never married, at which time he reveals his separated status. (Why do people think separated means single when it means still married and legally bound to another?) He then shared that he has lived apart from his wife for 5 years but hasn't felt the need to press the divorce as he hadn't found anyone new yet? (WHAT?) I mentioned in my last text reply to him that perhaps that was because women perceive him as not yet available. Seriously odd dating world for me to navigate. I don't know how some people do it, but happy for them. Somehow, I hold hope and belief .... everything in its right time. Sunshine wishes to anyone reading, friends. Have a good day ahead. I am definitely of the mindset that marriage is a state of relationship, a commitment. The legal certificate from the courthouse is an entirely different legal matter.....essentially meanjngless in terms of whether someone is single or not. LH and I married early on but waited a few years before getting the marriage certificate....there just wasn't a reason to until of course there was. So to me having the ongoing legal loose end of unlegalized divorce hanging is not a big deal. No bigger than any other legal dispute. The imperative thing in my mind is that the relationship is over and they aren't savoring any hope for working shit out. Sometimes there just isn't any reason to deal with legal garbage until there is good incentive to do so. So I would totally agree with the guy that separated is equivalent to single. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RobFTC Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 I had this come up awhile ago. A woman I had been talking with on OKCupid last October felt the need to confess before we met that she was separated, not divorced. In talking with her about it, she was the one holding off, with a serious sense of guilt for having a marriage fail and with some hope of reconciliation. I declined to meet her, as when literally the easiest thing legally is to reconcile and there's hope of that, it felt like she needed to deal with her stuff first. I know I don't pursue someone who lists themselves as separated. I told her I would be happy to meet once her divorce was final. Interestingly, she popped up on match.com and favorited me in September, and we did wind up going out. No sparks, though. Take care, Rob T Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest nonesuch Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 I had dates with two men who were separated and had no plans to divorce. I didn't want to deal with those complications. It gives the impression of maintaining a FWB. I got the feeling if I got too involved, I'd be the recipient of the "Oh, my *wife* and I are going to give it one more try" speech. It's sort of a no-man's land. Of course, couples break up all the time, I know, for all kinds of reasons. I can see dating someone who has filed and is on the way to a divorce, but not someone who's just taking the path of least resistance. In my experience, most of the men who stated in their profiles they were looking for someone "open-minded" were married men with no intentions of divorcing. I'm not that open minded, I guess. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SemperFidelis Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 I had dates with two men who were separated and had no plans to divorce. I didn't want to deal with those complications. It gives the impression of maintaining a FWB. I got the feeling if I got too involved, I'd be the recipient of the "Oh, my *wife* and I are going to give it one more try" speech. It's sort of a no-man's land. Of course, couples break up all the time, I know, for all kinds of reasons. I can see dating someone who has filed and is on the way to a divorce, but not someone who's just taking the path of least resistance. In my experience, most of the men who stated in their profiles they were looking for someone "open-minded" were married men with no intentions of divorcing. I'm not that open minded, I guess. Very strange to me - I wonder why they would have zero intention of divorcing legally..... I don't know enough about the legal system to understand what the benefit would be. Puzzling. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrskro Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 I have found people define words completely differently, and I too don't understand why people are content to live in perpetual separation. A friend of mine is separated from her husband, its been 5 years. They are both in committed other relationships but neither has taken any steps to divorce. He has now posted on facebook that he is engaged. UH what? How does that work? I'm not sure it would be a position I'd want to be in. The term single parent gets to me too. I had one guy tell me we were in the same position being single parents. I replied with 'a tough spot to be in free time isn't a huge luxury anymore.' His response was it's not that bad I have my kids twice a week and every third weekend. OH yeah that's the same thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kjs1989 Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 For me, it just wouldn't work to try and move forward in a relationship with a guy who was still legally tied to his wife. The marriage certificate is more than a piece of paper to me. When I met New Guy over three years ago, he had been divorced for five years. Even after that period and up to the present, his ex has tried to insert her influence quite often in his life, mostly in financial dealings. She doesn't have a leg to stand on, of course, and he does not allow her to cross boundaries at all, but nonetheless she still tries to, time and time again. If he was still legally married to her, those boundaries would be more difficult to enforce. There would be no way I could see being involved in that triangle. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tybec Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 The piece of paper matters or we wouldn't have it IMHO. It matters legally with fiances, responsibilities, who can do what in a health crisis, etc. I know someone who won't divorce because he does not want to give up assets his wife is entitled to. So, he is dragging it out, hiding what he can, having new relationships that really can't go anywhere truly. My poor brother who married at age 50 married a crazy woman. We saw red flags, but we were happy he finally found someone. She KNEW that after 3 years of marriage, she was entitled to half of his federal pension and health benefits the rest of her life. WHO knows that? He worked 29 years for the feds, had great benefits and she had nothing when they married. She put them into half a million dollars debt in 4 years, got sick with cancer, and then died. He has since remarried and they are finding all kinds of things she did financially behind his back. He isn't responsibly for most of it, but still crazy. There are just so many stories out there about the legal ramifications of the marriage contract. Can you live with all that? Your call... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arneal Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 Oh, tybec -- that is horrid. You and others here are right to bring up the tangle of complications that 'separated' can cause. I think it all boils down to having the deeper conversation. Like Rob made the choice to back away and in the end, the date happened (albeit no sparks). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SemperFidelis Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 Hmmmm..... Maybe I need to have a conversation with NG about this. Whenever we get married (we have established that we both want that) I am not willing to get a marriage certificate. If I get a marriage certificate I will lose all of my VA benefits as the surviving spouse of a 100% disabled veteran. Any legal arrangements that come with a marriage license can be arranged with other legal contracts(a will or trust, power of attorney). Hopefully this isn't a deal breaker for him. To me it seems like in the majority of situations the marriage certificate protects or benefits a woman not bringing in her own substantial income..... I don't see much benefit for the man, it actually seems pretty high risk to me since so many marriages fail. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
serpico Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 Whenever we get married (we have established that we both want that) I am not willing to get a marriage certificate. How does one go about getting married without a marriage certificate? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tybec Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 Funny you ask that, Serpico. I asked my pastor about 6 months ago about marrying elderly folks in the church who did not want a legal marriage due to losing their spouse's benefits. She said there were probably folks out there marrying, as it is an issue for some. The system hurts some folks. I would not want my mother to give up my father's benefits (health insurance and federal pension) if she found someone to marry who could not provide her this. I actually will be talking to my pastor further about this. I am curious. NG is afraid to marry after his wife left him and took 75% of his net worth. I want a prenup to protect my son's inheritance. He is still unsure. Would I marry him in a church but not legally to keep my benefits? Maybe. Him, too. Never would have dreamed I would be talking about this ever......... But I expected to celebrate my 50th wedding anniversary and here I am... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SemperFidelis Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 Whenever we get married (we have established that we both want that) I am not willing to get a marriage certificate. How does one go about getting married with a marriage certificate? Re-read my operating definition of marriage. So to answer your question, you get married by committing to one another.....til death do us part, All that stuff. Marriage can then be marked by rings and/or a wedding or other special acknowledgement. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SemperFidelis Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 Would I marry him in a church but not legally to keep my benefits? Exactly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest nonesuch Posted October 23, 2016 Share Posted October 23, 2016 Both men I dated were upfront and candid. One man had been separated for years. His wife was on his health insurance, and she had a chronic illness and the insurance was very helpful. The other one said he and his wife had nothing to gain by getting divorced, and had decided to just not live together. There was something about that situation that just struck me as odd, as if both wanted to date other people, but wanted an excuse not to get serious. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Momtojandj Posted October 23, 2016 Share Posted October 23, 2016 Ok, I might clearly need a new plan for online. In two days , I have had two guys just want to chat and seems they are both hinting .. Let's hook up. Ok no thanks .. Next .. Then I just received an email that says .. You look better as a blonde... That's it , no hi .. Just to the point . Ugh . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arneal Posted October 24, 2016 Share Posted October 24, 2016 Yes, Momto -- there are plenty of hook up folk out there. Not my style either. I tell NG that I don't share And the hair color thing. Wow. On a separate note, and I don't remember noticing before, but you're in Jersey? That's home for me (born in Cape May County, went to Rutgers New Brunswick, lived in DE and PA for a bit, met second LH in Salem County ...). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Momtojandj Posted October 24, 2016 Share Posted October 24, 2016 On a separate note, and I don't remember noticing before, but you're in Jersey? That's home for me (born in Cape May County, went to Rutgers New Brunswick, lived in DE and PA for a bit, met second LH in Salem County ...). Yes! Born and raised in NJ . I'm 20 minutes from Seaside . The only thing I don't love is NJ winters .. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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