Completely Surrounded by Her Belongings

[Guaruj]

It's been 14 months since Catherine died. If she walked back into our home today, she would find most of her things exactly where she left them. And this house contains mostly her things.We shopped for the furniture together, but she decided where to put it. The chair she put in corner - against my objections - is still there. The walls are decorated mostly with her artwork; that's what kept her busy once she couldn't work any more. I don't use paper calendars myself, but we have 3 or 4 displayed which show the month July 2014. Her bulletin board is contains several notes to herself. At least one tabletop still has a mess she left behind.

 

I did give some things away to Catherine's mother and sisters, but there is still so much more.

 

I avoided this issue for a year and a day, and that year and a day is well in the past. I must do "redistribute her wealth", because it will otherwise keep me from moving forward. It's peculiar to have friends visit me like this and watch them realize that most of the things in this house were put there by someone no longer alive. It's absurd to consider any kind of romantic relationship under these circumstances.

 

It's always hard for me to let go of things I've owned for a long time. I don't like to be wasteful and I also tend to be sentimental. Letting go of Catherine's things is likely to be painful struggle. I'll probably feel better once it's done, but I anticipate a lot of pain in the process.

 

Has anyone found an effective, systematic way for respectfully giving away their spouse's belongings?

 

Thanks -

 

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[WifeLess]

Guaruj?,

 

Shortly after joining this site's predecessor, YWBB, I posted:

 

Virtually every square inch of our/my house, reminds me of my wife. She found it for us while it was still being built. We were able to customize it somewhat to our/her tastes: color schemes inside and out, kitchen and bath cabinets, countertops, sinks, tubs, tiles, etc. We then spent the next several years picking out pretty much all new furniture, carpets, curtains, etc., to replace the old things we still had from all the previous places we lived. Of course, they were mostly her choices, and when I did choose something, I made sure it would conform to her tastes. Or maybe it was just that our tastes merged together after so many years. I don't know.

 

But several years later I posted:

 

After living with my wife for 25 years, there was an entire houseful of her personal belongings to deal with in the aftermath of her death. Although I removed her clothes, toiletries and paperwork from the closets, bathrooms and home office pretty early on so as not to drive myself crazy on a regular basis, they sat in an unused bedroom for nearly 3 years. Over the next several months I donated all of her clothes and other items that I could, discarding the rest.

 

I had long ago decided that she was not in these things, and so most of them held no special significance for me. I didn't need these or any objects to remind me of her or of the life we lived together. Those memories will always be with me.

 

--- WifeLess

[Wheelerswife]

Ah, Mark, I really understand.  I live in the house where my second husband John lived with his late wife.  When I moved here, I sold my house back east and gave away most of what I owned then with my first husband.  My first husband didn't own much, mostly because his muscle disease left him too weak to use anything over a couple of ounces in weight.  I collected his things, put them neatly into a couple of nice boxes and moved them with me.  Now...I live in a house that contains not only property of John, but also of his late wife...including her artwork.  The burden of going through both John's things and Cheryl's things feels very heavy. 

 

I've managed to go through some things, but there are areas I just haven't brought myself to touch yet.  Some things are quite nice - such as china and other dishes, but I never even used them when John was alive.  Then there are all of the hardware and parts he'd saved for years, all categorized, because some day, he would find a use for them.  I know that some day, he wanted to putz with all of the things he had saved, trying his hands out at building more things...and he never got that chance.  His life was busy from the time he was born until the day he died and he filled those days fully...yet he wasn't finished living, and I still mourn that reality.

 

I'm eventually going to have to give some things away, but his brother and step-son, who are both interested in specific pieces, live quite far away in Alaska and California, so logistics will be an issue there.  Otherwise, I will give his/their things the respect of kind handling as I pass them off to the local charity store.  I've done this with some "easy" stuff, but not the emotionally harder things.

 

Hugs to you,

 

Maureen

[BrokenHeart2]

Nope but if you get some sound advice, I'll listen .  At 27 months I know it's time but it's so hard to ask for help.

[Trying]

Because I moved and moved to a smaller house, I was forced to purge in a short amount of time starting around 20 months after I lost my DH.  I found once I started it got easier and easier.  Certain things I realized I had no emotional attachment to, other things felt great to get rid of, something's brought back bittersweet memories and tears, and somethings I saved that I really didn't need to because one of my boys might someday want them.

 

Being in a new house, with so much less of "his stuff" I realize that the memories aren't really tied to the objects, the memories are a part of me and always will be. Instead now I feel like an anchor has been lifted because I am no longer weighed down by things that don't really serve a purpose. 

 

My suggestion is start with donating the things that are easiest to part with, move some furniture around, buy something new that she wouldn't necessarily have liked. See how that feels and I think it will get easier as you go.  There will be tears, but nothing more than you have survived already.

 

[BrokenHeart2]

Thanks Trying. At 26 month I need to take your advice!  I'm doing that next week. I need to do something!

[lcoxwell]

In all honesty, I never did find an effective way to deal with going through, sorting, and redistributing my Kenneth's things. Early on, it was just too painful to even fathom. Then, I returned to work and started seeing someone who lived over two hours away. Between work and driving back and forth to see New Guy, I just didn't seem to find the time. Eventually, it seemed somehow fitting to leave things just as he had left them. After all, I reasoned, it wasn't hurting anyone and no one ever came over to see it.

 

At 14 months out, and just 2 months before making a major move, I decided I had no choice, but to start choosing which of his things to keep and which of his things to give away or trash. Sadly, I only had about two evenings after work to begin, then had a minor stroke and ended up hospitalized. Therapy began after that, and I just did not have the strength to do it all. Finally, I realized that I could not physically, or emotionally, do it all, so I ended up moving away, leaving much of it behind, and paying someone to come in and take care of it for me. It isn't a method I would suggest for most people, but for me, it was the right decision. Being able to walk out that door and see his things, right where he had left them, gave me a sense of comfort and a sense of closure.

[Mancino]

I started by moving furniture around just to make things look a little different.  At one point, we'd had a hospital bed in the living room, so not only was I glad to see that illness reminder gone, but it did make it a little easier to rearrange things.    The biggest thing that probably helped me get past the hurdle of "redistributing his wealth" (I like how you put that) was when I gathered up and donated most of his clothing.  He had a closet full of sport coats and shirts that were in great condition, and there was no one in my family or his that could use them.  Somewhere around the 6 or 7 month mark, I finally just decided that it was ridiculous these items were going to waste and collecting dust hanging in the closet, and I ended up donating them to a local charity.  Now it took almost a whole bottle of wine and a lot of tears to do it, but it was such a relief to finally get it done.  After that, it got easier to get keep getting rid of things, either by donation, giving away, or selling.  If I came across and item that I wasn't sure if I wanted to keep or not, I would put it away in a storage bin to decide on later.  I also made a small memory box of some of the smaller personal items with sentimental value and took photos of a few items as a memory before donating, selling, or giving away.    As time as passed (it's 6 years for me this month), I've been able to part with a lot of that stuff that I thought I just had to save.  I do chuckle a little when I'm parting with things...DH used to tease me when I went shopping that if I brought something in, I had to take something out, so now I look up and say out loud to him "See, I'm taking something out"      These days, I'm really wanting to move (preferably out of state) so downsizing and decluttering is job 1.  It's gotten easier to look at something and ask "do you really want to pack and move that?" 

 

Good luck in whatever you decide to do.  Start small and see how it goes.  It's another one of those necessary evils of widowhood, but for me it has been a great weight off my shoulders.  As others have said, the memories will always be with you. 

 

 

[Guest sunshinedaydreamz]

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[twistedmensa]

My kids and I had to move 3000 miles about two months after DH passed away and everything had to fit in two U-Haul U-Pak-It crates. It forced me to give up virtually everything that wasn't essential or irreplaceable. I do NOT recommend this method...lol...but it did force me to really focus on what was important...photo albums, his military medals...everything else fell victim to the purge.

 

I tried to look at things through his eyes...what would he want me keep? What would he want handed down? Those are the things I kept, everything else was just...stuff.

 

 

[canadiangirl]

Keep and store what others might wish to have or which have a strong sentimental attachment for you.  I would have trouble parting with her artwork.

 

In terms of donating, do not forget women's shelters.  Sometimes there are things that someone just starting out could use.  If you wife had business suits there are non-profits that outfit women without the means for their first business interviews.  Men's shelters.  Organizations helping newcomers to the country.  Those are good places to call first - they keep lists, and it feels meaningful to help (and will help you feel like it is not wasteful!).  And not all donation centres are non-profit (Savers/Value Village is a for-profit enterprise, for example, so someone would be enriching himself further with your redistributed wealth). 

 

I am the one with all the "stuff" - my DH moved across country so many times and did not acquire anything except many cars, tires and a shed full of tools.  I will be contacting an estate-type place this fall to inventory, assign a value to and auction off/consign his tools.  I will also sell some on Craigslist/Kijiji and eBay.  If Catherine was a clothes hound, some brand names sell at consignment.  Auction houses do downsizing sales as well - would recommend against being there as could be depressing and definitely not a way of making money as things go for much less than they are worth (but more than donation of course).  Donation is by far the easiest and fastest route but not one I can afford financially myself when it comes to his valuable tools -I will be moving but not imminently.

 

Best of luck. 

 

 

[Guest TooSoon]

For what it is worth, I did it in two massive purges.  One I had the wherewithal to undertake 3 days before he died; it was mid-winter and I could not look at all of those warm clothes going unused so I packed it up and had my girlfriends take it all to the men's shelter down town.  Never regretted it.

 

But then, I did almost nothing for more than 2 years.  Here and there I gave away a sculpture (he was an artist too), tools or appliances I would never use, and his bicycle but pretty much stagnation.

 

Then my semester ended last year and I emptied out his studio and workshop and I gave away everything I could find to the fledgling artist/teacher who happened to get Scott's position.  I liked the idea of his things - or some of them anyway - going back into "his" classroom.  No regrets.  But honestly, I was not ready to let go for almost 2.5 years.

 

The other day I noticed a smudge of clay on the door handle between the kitchen and the basement.  And I was, for once, relieved that my house is so dirty - dirty enough to have preserved that little memento.  It made me smile. 

 

 

[IfIonlycould]

Ah, Guaruja-  If only we still had the YWBB or I had archived my endless posting on this subject and could have sent them to you, you could witness a fellow wids evolving struggle with just this thing. 

 

It has been seven years for me.  While I was the decorator of our house many of the items in it were chosen by us together and many of those items in our travels, so much emotional attachment.....

 

Starting with his personal stuff,  I gave away much of his clothing to his cousin and best friend, who just having moved from warmer climes was happy to get it.  Other items I donated to places I thought could put it to good use.  There were some tools and personal items I sold, this felt weird at first until I saw the excitement in the eyes of the buyers.  The biggest item being his truck, which I had actually held onto for a year and a half.  I had asked a friend to sell it for me and not get me involved.  I signed the title and we took it to my friends shop where he would meet up with perspective buyers.  He called me and said he had buyers coming and that I should be there, I said no, he said you need to...he was right,  the buyers were a mother and father with their 19 yr. old son and year old granddaughter that son had sole custody of...he was starting a career in contracting and needed a reliable solid work truck (my husband was a medic and licensed builder) who better indeed than that truck to go to?  I felt at peace letting it go....

I packed up some things to be addressed at later dates when I felt ready (including a paper calendar he had written notes on).....I have slowly as the years have passed gone through stuff and let it go, I have kept some of my favorites,  I have evolved my house as my grief journey has evolved,  letting go of pieces of furniture that no longer suit me.  Since I have downsized I no longer have a formal living room so all of that furniture was sold and/or given away.  One of the other big emotional letting goes for me was the dining-room table,  it was a large, beautiful expensive piece that we had many, many parties and get togethers on and made me sad every time I looked at it, sad for the life I no longer had.  Then I thought,  this table is such a huge responsibility,  it had to be babied, cared for too much.  I wanted an old farm table I could set things on, gather around with girlfriends and not cover with table clothes, spread projects out on....I sold "our table"  and got my farm style table and have not looked back.

I still have artwork, but a couple pieces were so "us" I no longer display them, I feel like if it hurts too much to see it, why hold on to it?

I have a bin of personal stuff of his,  it was his personal bin before he died, stuff he had put there,  I haven't gone through it since he died, I may never again, who cares it is one bin stored on a shelf in the basement.

 

I shared some of my stories to let you know that for me it was a process not a quick once and done.  At times it was painful, but at times that pain turned to a sort of peace when I saw that his/our stuff would be loved/put to good use again.

I posted alot during those times and I encourage you to do the same, the support I found on the old board and now this one was remarkable, there were times when letting go of stuff was so awful for me but my fellow wids were always here to keep me moving through it.

[merrylea]

My late husband was an avid collector and seller of Lego; we even had a separate outbuilding for his business.  He had millions upon millions of Lego bricks and sets.  Since his death a year and a half ago, I've pretty much left that building alone; it was so much a part of him.  The house, yes, I did change and reclaim over time, but not the "Lego house."

 

Well.... now the house is sold.  I'm moving and downsizing and starting fresh, and the Lego can't come with.  This past Saturday, myself and 8 other people spent 4 1/2 hours moving all these Lego to storage so it buys me more time to find an appropriate buyer (one that I had in line had a heart attack!)

 

For the items I do want to keep, my stepfather made me a hope chest for my birthday.  All the special items and memories that I want to keep, I've been putting in a special place in this chest.  It really, really helps.

 

Good luck, this is tough stuff. 

[donswife]

this is such a tough one

but it sounds like you have gotten to a place where you may be able to start the process

I will keep looking at this post for advise

I so far have only been able to give things I knew would go to people that wanted or could use them

I gave some of his fishing things to a charity he was close to and some of his clothes

and of course ask family /friends if there was anything they wanted

I threw out all of his work clothes because before he died he started to hate his job

don has tools , tons of tools and tool boxes that I need to figure out what to do with

so wishing you luck and do what works for you

 

 

 

[Alexsander]

I did give some things away to Catherine's mother and sisters, but there is still so much more.

 

(...)

 

Has anyone found an effective, systematic way for respectfully giving away their spouse's belongings?

 

1. I've sold the house DW and I bought together near the 2 years mark. The only furniture I took: our baby daughter's room and a sofa DW's mother gave us;

2. I did give most of her belongings to her mother and other relatives (DW was the only child);

3. I've stored the most meaningful items in boxes -- for our daughter to open when old enough;

4. Three pictures from her pregnancy's "studio photo session" are in our daughter's room wall.

 

[Brenda]

My kids and I had to move 3000 miles about two months after DH passed away and everything had to fit in two U-Haul U-Pak-It crates. It forced me to give up virtually everything that wasn't essential or irreplaceable. I do NOT recommend this method...lol...but it did force me to really focus on what was important...photo albums, his military medals...everything else fell victim to the purge.

 

I tried to look at things through his eyes...what would he want me keep? What would he want handed down? Those are the things I kept, everything else was just...stuff.

 

A major move shortly after my wife died forced me through the same downsizing process; only the most essential things stayed, which basically included very little furniture for cost-of-shipping reasons.

 

At the time, I wondered how I'd ever live without the stuff that she was fond of and that we shared our lives in/on/around.  But in the end, it's all just stuff.

 

I think I was able to downsize so dramatically for two reasons: (1) I had to for economic and just plain "too much stuff" reasons, and (2) because I did so during the turmoil after her death rather than a year later.  Getting rid of all of the stuff was just another shitty thing I had to do amidst the other shitty things one does immediately following a death, and as such it's shittiness was just intermingled with everything else.  Having to think about downsizing a year or more later would probably have been very hard for me, as I'd have had a chance to let life settle down and it would feel like losing her all over again.

 

I'm a big believer in the "ripping off the band-aid" approach to many things in life, but with the disclaimer that it works for me and might not work for anyone else.

 

But my best advice?  It's just stuff.  Nothing more, nothing less, and your emotional attachment is probably rather illusory.  Test the waters; get rid of a few things, or even just rearrange a few things.  See how it goes.  The first time it might be a little difficult, but as with so many shitty things, the more we do them, the easier they become.

 

Best of luck, and hoping that your worries are proven to be unfounded.

[klim]

I think I'm mostly in the stuff is just stuff category. Memories are what count.

 

Having said that I haven't necessarily got my house in order but I'm procrastination isn't an emotional procrastination it's economical considerations are stopping me.

 

I have two or three ok maybe four areas I haven't dealt with but probably should.

Any suggestions on how to handle these would be great.

 

1. I tucked all his dress clothes in a closet (he had some nice stuff)....the idea is that if my sons(young men now) end up employed somewhere where they need to dress nicely they won't have to put out money just when they are starting out...........I don't know it kinda makes sense...right?

 

2.He collected model trains....worth lots of money.....I don't even know which are the really expensive ones or much else about them. I don't want to get ripped off and sell them too cheap so that is waiting till I have time to research.....when ever that will be.

 

3. A recurring theme in this thread...tools, lots and lots of tools( he built cabinetry, fixed cars, built us an addition) ....I use some of them... and again my sons might use some of them.............so it'll be a little while till I decide which ones of those are going.

 

4. And lastly a motorcycle...really just procrastination, I've already got rid of two dirtbikes and a car. It's nicley tucked in the corner of the shed so not really bothering me.

 

I have no real desire to remove evidence of him from my house...actually it's impossible because he built half of it. But if his stuff is not what I like or need I have been able to remove it without much turmoil. As I said memories are what count.

[DansSoulmate]

Much like brenda, early on I began dispositioning dan's items first starting with his business assets and then took a break for a few months.  Within the last few months I've been finishing up as I'll be moving in a few months.  I'm glad I started early with the business assets because they were specialty items with a rather small market of potential buyers.  I did it all myself so that I would know who bought each item and it was great meeting them.  Each item went to just the right person so  it actually turned out to be very healing.  At a year in a few weeks, I'm in the final phase of decluttering.  I've saved out several clothing items to make memory pieces and the rest went to a nonprofit.  For me it has taken a year but I think once you start, it will get easier.

[Guaruj]

Wow, I had no idea so many of you would respond so soon. I knew I wasn't alone with this problem, but I didn't know it was as big a problem for others. I really appreciate all of these replies.

 

I did want to clarify one point I made earlier...

 

IIt's peculiar to have friends visit me like this and watch them realize that most of the things in this house were put there by someone no longer alive. It's absurd to consider any kind of romantic relationship under these circumstances.

 

..which drew this reply:

 

Respectfully I would not worry about a potential future situation, as I have found people will come and go from our lives.

<snip>

One can bend over backwards for the admiration of others, but pleasing self first is now my mantra.

 

I agree with you regarding my current friends, the ones who also knew Catherine. They can deal with the fact that Catherine's stuff is everywhere exactly as she left it. It's through their eyes that I comprehend how eerie my home can be now.

 

As for a "potential future situation" - I truly want such a future situation, and preferably not too far into the future. I don't want to lose such an opportunity by ignoring the fact that Catherine's belongings occupy more space than my own.

 

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[Portside]

Has anyone found an effective, systematic way for respectfully giving away their spouse's belongings?

 

I just took a deep breath and did it quickly. My poor wife was terribly mentally ill and the house and the contents reflected it.

 

All of my late wife's good clothing and shoes went to a group that helps needy young women dress properly for job interviews and work. Her rings/jewelry were given away to family as was her china and other housewares that had some value. I saved some of her keepsakes for the kids when they are older (they absolutely wanted nothing of hers when she died and still don't). They may change their mind some day. I also gave away much of the furniture that T. brought to the marriage. Much of it we truly didn't need and it simply cluttered the house. I filled a Goodwill truck with her furniture and art supplies. No kidding.

 

Much of the other assorted 'stuff' that one collects over 20 years I just got rid of. It was necessary to make a completely fresh start and put my own unique stamp on the house and property. I painted everything, remodeled the kitchen and changed the landscaping.

 

The kids and I both needed to do that for our own sake. Once I got started, I just plowed through it all. It probably took a good 5 months or so to take care of it all. Once all the 'old' life was removed, I felt free to begin to rebuild and get my family back on an even keel.

 

It was the best thing I could have done.

 

Good luck - Mike

 

 

 

 

[Guest sunshinedaydreamz]

.

[serpico]

My wife died suddenly, but within a month I asked a couple friends of hers to help me get rid of her clothes. She was a clothes horse, and a thoroughbred at that, so we organized everything and had a huge 'extravaganza' in our basement. After allowing family to go through everything, I invited 30 or so of her closest  friends over to take what they wanted, and I asked just a freewill donation to her mission group. We raised around $3,000 (those ladies got GREAT deals), and I got her stuff out of the closet. I was still in something of a daze at this point, but it was one of the best decisions I made in the aftermath of her death.

[SoVerySad]

I was very fortunate in that my husband really didn't care about material things much, so it has made it easier to let things go. I kept anything my kids (teens) wanted and some things that I felt I wanted to keep. I really wanted to do the sorting and purging myself. I found just being able to sit quietly and hold an item in my hand for a few minutes, remember any associated memories, and tuck them away in my heart made it easier to let the physical items go. The process itself has been very hard, don't get me wrong. I would do it for a few hours at a time until it became too much. But I'm not really left with regrets about anything I got rid of.

 

I moved our children and I into a smaller place. I found some enjoyment in decorating the new place, as that is something I've always enjoyed. I'm pretty much done with it now. I originally thought it would make things a lot easier. I've had to adjust those expectations. Once I completed making our new place into a homey, nice place to live, I still have to live my here life without T.

 

I am not at a place to consider recoupling, but it saddens me when I read posts where people in new relationships feel they can only have pictures of their late spouses in their childrens' rooms or tucked away in boxes. I respect their decisions, of course. For me, I can't imagine ever not having pictures of my T displayed. I have pictures of everyone else I've loved and lost in my life displayed. I don't understand why it should be different for him. He will always be a major part of my past, regardless whether a framed picture of him is displayed or not. I hope should I ever get the chance to have another relationship, a new love would understand.

 

I recommend you just start slowly and feel out if you are ready. Don't push yourself too hard, take a break when you need it, and remember that your connection with Catherine exists within you, not within any items of hers. Letting go of some of her belongings does not equate to letting go of her.

 

Sending you hugs...

 

 

 

 

[DonnaP]

Mark,

This was one of the hardest things to deal with. Even now, more than five years later, there are still things of Mick's all around the house. I finally finished going through his closet, just before Andrew moved in, simply because it was not fair to Andrew not to have closet and dresser space, just because I could not find the strength to go through the remaining clothes. I have saved several boxes of Mick's things, but keep whittling away at them as my mood (and time) allows. I've painted several rooms in the house and made them more my own, but I never really wanted or intended to "erase" him from the house. I fully expect at some point, I will need to downsize the house and then much more of Mick's "stuff" will simply go to goodwill or be tossed.

 

Good rule of thumb. Put any special items you think you might want to keep in a plastic box in the attic or basement and if you have not missed or or thought of retrieving it in a year's time, then toss it!

Good luck!

Donna