counciling

[phil]

hi its 7 weeks today that i lost my wife and my world callapsed, when a friend asked the other week have i thought about seeing a councilor, i have been pondering over it, and yesterday i booked an appointment ,abit of a wait ,a few weeks, it seems to be getting harder especialy these dark nights, and the loneliness/hurt of missing jo, that the  panick sets in, i try to keep busy but i cant escape the grief just waits for me,, im grieving for my old life i had with jo, as well,miss her so much  i want her back i know i cant, its so fu...d up

[ssdad]

I hear you. It's been 12 weeks now since my husband died, and I seem to be crying more at nights and on the weekends. So sad. Every time I realize the enormity of it or when I come across something that reminds me of him or if I am driving home or out in my car .... wailing. I hope counseling brings you some peace.

[SoVerySad]

I'm sorry, Phil. I remember well how hard and lonely those nights are. Bedtime remains my hardest time of day. I'm sending you tight hugs of understanding!!

[Wheelerswife]

Hi, phil,

 

I started seeing a counselor very shortly after my second husband died unexpectedly.  I also experienced panic attacks after he died.  And like SoVerySad, going to bed at night was awful and is still the time of day I like the least.  Fortunately, for me, things have improved with time.  I'm almost 2 years out now (wow, almost 2 years!) and although I still have challenges with anxiety, I manage much better than I did in the first few months and year.  This is all so new for you.  Hang in there.

 

Maureen

[phil]

thanks every one , sorry for you all to,,just reading what you all saying and  been through makes me feel like im not going mad, as it is the evenings and waves that smash me, ,im finding when i have a good cry its like within a few moments its like wow what just happened and i plod along until the next wave hits, thank you again for lisening, phil

 

[br0peth]

Hang in there buddy. I have been reaching out to many people from many places.  I immediately started to see our grief counselor at church.  It does help to talk. Really.

 

1 month into this.  I have accepted my wife's death.  I refuse to wallow in my hurt and sadness. I am turning this into power.  I reached out a publication on facebook called Life of Dad. I received 7,000 likes, 600 comments of peoples support.  40 personal messages of people that share the same tragedy.  And met somebody through facebook who has been a real comfort to me.

 

It does help to talk, you have to talk. You have to reach out to people.  Today, I say I am completely at peace with it now. Yes it sucks but I need to strong for my kids. I know enjoy memories of my wife without crying.  I know I will have moments but knowing the comfort that she is at home in the comfort of our Lords arms.  This gives me comfort.  We are all going to go home one day, she just got there before me.  I don't cry anymore, I smile and praise her for being my wife.

 

Take care and please reach out. Proverbs 24:14

[Brenda]

Big believer in counselling here, despite thinking initially that it was all a load of total crap.  But the value of having someone professionally trained and experienced who will sit there and listen to anything you can throw at them is immense, and has no doubt saved me from becoming a total nutjob.

 

There's no harm in seeking counselling.  It's a positive step towards making your life better, despite it being about as miserable as it can be right now.

 

I hope you find it as helpful as I did.

[First Widow]

Another big believer in counseling.  For me it's been so helpful to be able to say things to my counselor and not have to worry about how they effect her...the one time I don't feel I have to be strong.

 

Tomorrow will mark the 6 month mark for me Phil, and I have to say the waves are still there but they not as strong and they don't hit as often.  Hang in there.

 

 

[phil]

hi every one thank you for your supporting words, im looking forward now , just wish it wasnt a long wait to get to see them,, im starting work tomorro and i was making my food for work and ,well i broke down ,, ,life is crap, time goes so slow,,im hanging in there, its so hard as you all know. many thanks ,

[Captains wife]

I used to be anti-therapy......just thought it unnecessary, kept everything to myself and a few select people. After losing my husband suddenly 3.5+ years ago, I couldn't deal that way anymore and it wasn't healthy (serious anger issues) so I started seeing a grief therapist. It was one of the best things I ever did (other than joining this Board!) - its good to let your emotions out and stuff in your head out to an impartial third party who is trained to help. Wishing you all the best,

[mizjsea]

I told my therapist I might have to keep going to her forever because for me it is one place that there is no statute of limitations on being able to talk about my husband or that "it" happened. At 15 months out I feel like his death is old news to everyone else, but it still my front page headline. For me its freedom to talk and emote without having to consider the listener's reaction.

[Justin]

For me its freedom to talk and emote without having to consider the listener's reaction.

 

Exactly. I am 16 months out, and see my therapist about every 6 weeks now (was every 2 at one time). I pay for these out-of-pocket, and it's not cheap at $75 each visit , but I consider it an investment.

[Elbel66]

Hi Phil, tomorrow will be 12 weeks since I lost my husband.  I have been back at work but being alone so much at home is what gets to me lately.  The grief absolutely hits me in waves, one moment I'm fine, the next I am a total wreck!  I am lucky that I have been seeing a counselor that my husband and I actually saw more than 15 years ago.  He came to the funeral and said if I needed to talk, to call.  I did and it helps immensely.  He knew my husband and knew the two of us as a couple so I find it comforting to go and talk to him.  I am constantly saying to myself, "how can this be?"  At times I don't know how I can go on but I do, somehow I do.  A friend of mine whose husband died told me about this group and I am so glad she did.  Good luck with the counselor, take care of yourself, know you're not alone.

[phil]

thank you for your supporting words, and sorry about your husband, ,i strugle some times to write my thoughts, but like you the waves hit me and its when im alone or evenings which are the worst, , 8 weeks since i lost my wife, and its unbearable , but im looking forward to talk through things with a councilor, i started work last week ,so put on a brave face, its hell, i didnt know how i could hurt so bad,    every one on this forum have been amazing cant thank every one enough 

[Lisa]

My heart breaks remembering those early days. I am So very sorry for your pain. Grief feels like crazy but it is not. That's why connecting with others who are going thru this is so essential. I started grief counseling very early. Im so glad I did.

Keep posting and he gentle with yourself.

[MauiMermaid]

For me its freedom to talk and emote without having to consider the listener's reaction.

 

Exactly. I am 16 months out, and see my therapist about every 6 weeks now (was every 2 at one time). I pay for these out-of-pocket, and it's not cheap at $75 each visit , but I consider it an investment.

 

^^^ This. Approaching 3 years and I still go every 6-8 weeks or so. I also pay out-of-pocket but feel it's an investment in my well-being. As time has passed, I really value having a neutral person I can trust, who understands my journey and will listen if I want to just cry for him for an hour. Friends/family don't understand and the shelf life of grief was pretty short for them.

[linda5]

I was one that thought I didn't need a counselor, that they can't change what happened, so I need to just deal with it.  Well, apparently I wasn't dealing with it appropriately and my VP of my company insisted I call the Employee Assistance Program and talk with a therapist.  I wish I would have found a "real" counselor and not just gone to the free one.  She was of no help to my daughters or me.  Since it was sudden, they gave us somebody that thought this would be easy and we would have unresolved issues with DH/Dad to work through.  We didn't, he was a great husband and Dad, so then she didn't know what to do with us.  I guess the old saying is true, you get what you pay for.  Now none of us will ever go to counseling again.  Wish I would have done by homework back then and found a good counselor.

 

[serpico]

Now none of us will ever go to counseling again.

 

Not to sound like a shrink, but can you tell us why you feel this way?  Surely one bad experience at a restaurant doesn't put an end to eating out forever, does it?

 

Who knows, maybe you don't need a counselor any longer but to rule them out forever seems a little drastic.  Sorry if it seems like I'm picking on you, I just read this thread for the first time and this jumped out at me.

[widowat33]

I can totally relate to linda5. I also went to a counsellor early out, she was more interested in proving that she knew me better than I knew myself, and that how I felt was not how I should be feeling at the stage of grief I should be at. In other words she did not listen to me, she followed some textbook timeline of grief and put me in the shock stage of grief even though I kept insisting that I was not in shock and fully aware that he was dead, not coming back and that I would have many obstacles to overcome. I am very good at keeping my emotions in check and the fact that I was not crying led her to believe I must be in shock, in reality though I do not cry in front of people easily especially people I do not know. Finally I did break down as I felt like I was not being validated in my feelings, and she seemed almost satisfied, like she had done her job. That was only one example of how horrible it was, there were many things she did in that visit which were not normal practice for a counsellor. How do I know this? Because I am a counsellor.

I have not completely ruled out counselling, but I can honestly say it would be my last resort based on my personal experience, which is ironic given my profession.

 

To compare it to a bad meal at a restaraunt, in my opinion, is like comparing apples and oranges. A bad meal that you've paid for might make you angry or upset and you may not return to that restaraunt, but going to someone who you trust to listen to you, and help you work through your feelings and leaving with a bad experience. That is almost traumatizing and instead of helping can set you back, as it did for me. For weeks after my session I felt miserable like all the work I had been doing on myself was invalid and not important because I didn't even know myself. I had to finally analyze the situation, and I came to the conclusion that she did not know me and had no right to tell me how I was feeling or how I should be feeling, and once I did all that I felt like a weight was being lifted from my shoulders.

This is not intended to scare people off of counselling...I think it can be a wonderful thing if you find someone who you can truly build that therapeutic alliance with and who is empathetic and genuine. Unfortunately that does not always happen.

[MauiMermaid]

Finding the right therapist can be a challenge. I found the best fit by finding someone who specializes in Grief/Trauma/PTSD. Much like a doctor, the specialization can really help in getting the appropriate support. My therapist had built her practice around helping people with similar life tragedies so she could offer genuine sympathy and understanding.

 

I feel really fortunate to have found someone who has considerable experience with grief-stricken patients. I can't imagine how any other counselor/therapist would have understood me.

 

Therapy is a personal decision and what works best for you is all that matters. Finding the right match can be challenging but, for me, was worth the search. Being isolated geographically and not having much family made it a necessary thing.

 

(((Hugs to all)))