New here...1 month without my love

[Jazzy]

I'm hoping writing and letting things out to others who may relate will help.

 

I'm 28 and lost my husband suddenly almost a month ago on December 17th. He was the greatest friend I've ever had. We were together for 7 years and married for 5.  For the first 3 weeks I stayed with family and this week was my first on my own. I've spent the majority of the week in his baggy sweat pants and shirts on our couch crying. I sleep for only an hour or so at a time and I feel like I relive that awful morning each time I wake. It hurts so bad sometimes I don't know how I will make it until the next hour without him.

 

Today I told myself that I was going to be productive, go to the grocery store. I found myself crying in the produce section. How much food does one person really need? I never would have thought about how difficult everyday tasks would become. I've become the dishelveled woman who cries in the store looking at fruit. I guess I tried.

 

I'm so very lonely and afraid I can't do this on my own. My friends have told me to call if I need anything, but I feel like a bother. I feel like the world has kept turning, but I'm still here on my couch wishing he would just walk through the door

[Wheelerswife]

Hi, Jazzy.

 

Sadly, you are experiencing what many of us experienced in the first days and weeks after losing our loves.  I don't know if it is any consolation to you, but everything you have said is very normal for us.  I'm so sorry you had to join this club.  Just know that these people here are awesome and we will be here to listen to you and give you support.  It is hard to go back to the normal things in life when your world has been shattered.  You are doing it, though.  You just have no experience of others in this situation.  You feel terribly alone. 

 

Keep coming here and do the best you can to keep putting one foot in front of the other.  Take things one day at a time, and if that is too much, take things one hour or even one minute at a time.  As much as we don't want to do this ...we do it, because there really isn't much choice.  It is too early to believe this yet, but it does get easier.  Hang in there!

 

Maureen

[SoVerySad]

I am so very sorry for the loss of your husband, honey. I also lost my husband and best friend suddenly. It is tremendously painful. I remember those painful moments of waking up and hoping it was just a bad dream, only to be hit full force again with the awful truth. Please don't worry about being a bother to those who have offered help. Take all you can when it is offered. Maybe you can make a list when you think of something someone could help you with, so you have it ready to ask.

 

The grocery store has been a huge trigger for crying for so many of us, so know you are not alone there. It is the small normal everyday stuff that can hurt so much sometimes. I also remember the incredulous feeling that life was just continuing to go on all around me when it felt like it had completely stopped for me. It is surreal.

 

We are here to help you through this experience, because those who have never been through it cannot imagine the intensity and depths of the emotions involved. We understand, because we've been there.

 

Sending you tight hugs...

[Jazzy]

Thank you so much for the kind replies Wheelerswife and SoVerySad. It is nice to know that I'm not alone and that I'm not going crazy and all of this is normal now.

 

Today has been so surreal. I can't help but think that only a month ago he was still here. He was sitting right here next to me and how suddenly it can all change, it is confusing. Hard to grasp that I will never see him again or hear his voice speaking to me. I won't be able to tell him how much I love him. I wish I could have said goodbye. Sorry I'm rambling a little in my posts, I'm overwhelmed today with emotions and maybe the shock of it all is starting to fade. I had such an amazing life and now I am part of this club. I'm so thankful to find people who can relate and whom I can vent and ramble to.

[Captains wife]

I'm also sorry you had to join us, and at such a young widow age. The first weeks/months are so unbelievably tough - I remember being in a daze (I lost my 37 year old husband suddenly) and crying over chicken wings in the frozen food section at the grocery store. I am now almost 4 years out and I still grieve but I have learned to cope and grow from it. Please be good to yourself now, keep in touch with us (we understand). Other things I found useful were: taking time from work, allowing myself time to feel bad and cry, finding a grief therapist, reaching out to other widows/widowers, exercise, keeping myself distracted with projects. Please take care....

[Helena]

My husband also died very sudden and unexpected. He was 36 years old and had so many good things going on. I remember that in the first couple of weeks I really had this urge to take the car and go for a ride -crying. I can?t recommend that but I had to be alone and away from the kids who were at home with my mom. Now five months out it?s still a rollercoaster but not in the same way as in the beginning. It took a couple of months before my heart realized that he is not coming back and sometimes I wonder if I realize it now? He is never coming back and it?s so hard to understand "never"..

 

Big hugs to you Jazzy. Your grief are completely normal and we have all experienced what you experience right now.

[Amor]

Jezzy

Do not worry about rambling.  Your thoughts of missing him are wonderful to get out.  I wish none of us had to go through this pain. 

(((hugs)))

Amor

[Fran721]

I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. I lost my partner in August and am no stranger to crying in public. One thing that somebody told me very early on was to be graceful to myself and it helped me tremendously. Do what you can for the day and don't worry about the rest. Just remember to eat, drink water, and try to spend some time outside. I remember that shock of no longer just being able to reach out in the middle of the night and just touch him anymore. How could the most sure thing in my life disappear so suddenly? Please know that we are here for you. We all have felt such similar pain so intimately. You are not alone.

[Jazzy]

Thank you so much to everyone who has commented and offered support. I appreciate it! I'm glad I've found a community that understands.

[Trying]

Jazzy I am so sorry you had a need to find us but you are in the right place.  There is so much to deal with early on and having this group helped me feel less crazy.  You must still be in bit of shock from the suddenness of losing your DH, and those moments when reality hits are so painful. Take whatever  help you can get for now, try to eat some and drink a lot of water.  There is no easy way around this part, you just have to go through it, unfortunately. It will get easier eventually but in the meantime lean on whoever you can, including all of us.

[lcoxwell]

Jazzy, I am so sorry for your loss. My Kenneth died, after 13 long years of battling a terminal illness. I cannot imagine what it must be like to suddenly lose a spouse, but I imagine the pain must be horrific. If it makes you feel any better, I can promise you that you are not the only widow to cry in the produce department of the grocery store. I know I completely broke down in the produce aisle a number of times. Right now, even the smallest of tasks may seem overwhelming, and you may find it difficult to complete the simplest things. That is normal, and you should be proud that you tried.

[donswife]

I am so sorry for your loss.I also lost my don suddenly

It is so hard to grasp they were here one second and then gone

Just take it minute by minute and when someone offers to help please accept it ,if you need it

I am sure you don't know what you need right now ,

the minute I thought of something I might need help with I would write it down because I knew I would forget it

try and take care of yourself

 

[Jess]

Jazzy, I'm now at about a year and half out and still get sad at the damn grocery store! I hate that place. I don't know what it is.

 

I am so very worry for your loss. I lost my husband to a sudden seizure. It was the first he ever had and he didn't survive it. I had no idea it was coming. My dad moved in with me for a few weeks and I had a similar sleeping pattern as you have. Any time I would wake up he'd be sitting there and would say "You did good." After that, I started congratulating myself like a toddler for any mall thing I did. "Way to go, Jess, you ate a granola bar." "Awesome job drinking that water." "Oh my, did you just actually take a shower? Good!" As stupid as it sounds, it did help.

 

It may not feel like it, but you are doing a good job. Much peace and comfort to you. You've got this.

[Mizpah]

Oh, dear.  My DH was 28 too, and died suddenly (was a pedestrian hit by a car on a sidewalk).  And my family was with me for about the first month too.  And I cried in grocery stores too.  I'd like to say it was only once, but it just wasn't.  You will stop crying in public at some point!  But at your timeframe, I didn't WANT to be less sad.  I wanted it to hurt as badly as it hurt - couldn't have hurt worse.  And allowing myself to mourn with all that I was was the best thing I could've done for myself.  Let yourself feel.  It is healthy to do so, though so unbearably painful.  My advice is talk about him and about your feelings - to friends, in a journal, to a therapist, to us, etc.  My thoughts are with you.  I'm wishing you moments of solace.   

[MauiMermaid]

Oh, Jazzy... I'm so sorry for your loss and pain. You have found understanding in our community though. As Wheelerwifes said, you can't imagine this now but it will get softer with time. Know that we have all taken these steps and somehow survived. You will, too.

 

I posted often on another board before it shut down, the YWBB, and I dare say I was one of the most lost, despondent, hopeless of posters there. I really didn't think my heart would survive so much constant pain. I woke with it, lived with it, slept with it. But miraculously, over time, the pain softened a bit and my mind adapted to the pain, processed it. In the early days, I had severe panic attacks so much so that I couldn't leave the house. Everywhere I went, I'd break down in tears. I hope you know you aren't alone in your feelings and we all get it. Be kind to yourself, take it a minute at a time. It's all so surreal, isn't it? It doesn't seem possible... here one minute, gone the next.

 

I lost my husband to a sudden cardiac arrhythmia. Picture of health, avid runner, physically fit. We were home for the holidays of 2012 and I tried to get a hold of him while I was out with my Mom. I became worried when he didn't respond to my texts. After a few hours, I became frantic. It wasn't like him to just not respond. I finally called his Mom looking for him (he was back at their house for the day) and they found him sitting in front of the computer... gone. He was downloading music for me at the time. ;'( So, I understand the trauma and devastation of sudden loss. It feels like your whole world has been taken away and reset in a moment.

 

Hang in there, we all understand. Big hugs to you. So sorry for your loss. xoxoxo

[Jen]

Oh, sweetie... I am so, so sorry for your lost. I'm another who lost her sweet dh very suddenly, like lightning out of a clear blue sky, and I could have written just about everything you posted. A lot of the time I don't feel as though I've made any improvement, but looking back, I guess I have. It's hard-- I can't pretend otherwise-- but you're not alone. I promise. ((((((HUGS))))))

[Elbel66]

I am so sorry you are a part of this club.  I lost my husband almost 5 months ago, suddenly.  I had the exact same experience at the grocery store and still get sad when I am shopping.  I often get hit with this overwhelming sadness (usually in the freezer section) and look around expecting to see what, I don't know...my husband, someone who sees my sadness?! 

Early on, I would wake up and just call my friend and say I'm coming over, just because I couldn't stand to be in the house without him.  Friends want to help, let them!  Read the "Letter to a Friend" on here and share it with family and friends, it helps them to understand how you are feeling and what they can do to help.  As I left the funeral home the day of my husbands service, the pastor that did his service told me to be careful with myself, be careful driving, doing seemingly easy and mundane tasks can be difficult, even dangerous when your mind and heart and constantly distracted.

Please be kind to yourself, be careful with yourself, accept help when offered and ask for it when it's not.  Our hearts are broken and we may not want to be strong but it's our only option. 

[stolendance]

Hi Jazzy,

 

I am also a young widow and not yet at 4 months. I wish I could tell you it gets better or easier but I don't know if it does. I think it gets different and sometimes feels like it gets harder. Some things that have helped me is journaling and exercising. I think doing those things for yourself can make a big difference because they will make you feel stronger. I have learned friends and family won't understand what you feel or be able to always help you so you have to try to help yourself. Cherish the memories! They are something that no one can take from you.