imissdow Posted September 15, 2016 Share Posted September 15, 2016 The past week has been rough. My middle DD A has some anxiety issues. On Tuesday of this week A had a meltdown. Starting at a new school, working and several hours of dance class left her without much free time. A also has some anxiety about the guy I was dating. She was polite to him but really didn't like him very much. So because of all of this she made some poor choices, got mouthy with me and ended up with losing her phone ,car keys and doing some chores. She also had to walk to school because she couldn't drive. NG told me several times that my girls always get what they want and I need to say no. I however say no plenty and I think my kids are pretty well behaved. So last night we were talking about my kids again, he repeated his thoughts. I told him I had a discussion with my A about him and why she doesn't care for him. He reminds her of bio-dad who I divorced when she was 18 months old. I asked her for some examples and she gave me 4-5. A couple of these are things that could easily be changed and that NG and I had talked about before. He buys small presents almost everytime he sees us. I had told him this wasn't necessary and asked him to stop. She felt like he was trying to buy her affection. He agreed with her assessment of him. Told me he couldn't change who he was. He then told me he wasn't going to see me any more. Told me he was amazed that I would let a 17yo run my life. I was shocked! I wasn't breaking up with him rather I was trying to help him understand A. He had told me before that he's never had a kid not like him before. im amazed that a guy broke up with me because my 17yo didn't like him, or maybe that was just a good excuse. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest nonesuch Posted September 15, 2016 Share Posted September 15, 2016 New school, dance *and* a job sounds like a lot. School, dance, job, Mom has a boyfriend seems like an awful lot. As someone who never got along with kids and never wanted them, I can empathize with someone who's not cut out to be a parent. I never raised kids. I don't know what your daughter's poor choices were. It does sound like a situation doomed to fail. Maybe he knew he didn't have it in him to stay for the long haul. I'm sorry for your loss. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trying Posted September 15, 2016 Share Posted September 15, 2016 I'm sure this really hurts right now. There were some red flags and he made the decision so you didn't have to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Justme2 Posted September 15, 2016 Share Posted September 15, 2016 Sounds like he was headed for telling you it wasn't working before daughter issue. Think there were issues and he was waiting for an excuse. Opinion fwiw you can do much better. Very sorry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captains wife Posted September 16, 2016 Share Posted September 16, 2016 Events like this make my blood boil. Ok it's not always easy when kids are involved sometimes but maybe NG shouldn't be so selfish. Life is tough and things can get tough and he just bails?!? He doesn't sound very understanding/patient so in the long run it will likely be for the best for you. But I'm sorry that he acted this way and I'm sorry if it hurts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sugarbell Posted September 16, 2016 Share Posted September 16, 2016 I think you dodged a real headache. I can't stand any guy telling me what I should or shouldn't do as far as my kids. Not his place...at least not yet from what you've said about the relationship. It would've been a tangled mess and you would've been pulled in all directions. I know it stings right now...but I think he did you a favor. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RobFTC Posted September 16, 2016 Share Posted September 16, 2016 I'm sorry, imissdow - that sucks. At your daughter's age, it seems silly to have big concerns (or frankly, opinions) about your parenting. At any age, I would hope to just enjoy someone's kids, but that's me. Take care, Rob T Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest nonesuch Posted September 16, 2016 Share Posted September 16, 2016 Events like this make my blood boil. Ok it's not always easy when kids are involved sometimes but maybe NG shouldn't be so selfish. Not everyone should be a parent or even a step-parent. It isn't selfish to realize this. It would be cruel or stupid if he did this to a series of women. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
daysofelijah Posted September 16, 2016 Share Posted September 16, 2016 I agree, looking at your past posts it wasn't all because of your daughter. There were flags there from almost the beginning it sounds like he feels he isn't able to work through. He realized this wasn't a situation he would be able to handle. And he probably was mature in making the decision before things got any farther. I'm sorry you are hurt, and when you are healed will be able to move forward and find someone who is a good fit for you and your family. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
imissdow Posted September 16, 2016 Author Share Posted September 16, 2016 I totally agree nonesuch. We all make choices as to what we want and what is acceptable. I have refused a few dates with guys who have little kids. After raising 3 kids mostly by myself I really don't desire to start over. I don't think that makes me selfish or anything else. It's just a choice I've spent 20 years with kids at this point and still have always to go, I don't want to start over. Thanks for all the thoughts and replys. I think my middle DD nailed it a few weeks ago when she said" He has some sort of idea that he's going to slide into a perfect happy family. We are far from perfect." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bunny Posted September 16, 2016 Share Posted September 16, 2016 I don't have children, but I've always liked and gotten along quite well with them, at all ages- with the occasional personality clashes, of course. That being said, if I was dating a man whose kid really didn't like me, I'd be very reluctant to pursue the relationship- it just sounds like more work and drama than I'm willing to deal with. And if a 17 year old girl told me I really reminded her- in a bad way- of her bio mom...yikes!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mizpah Posted September 16, 2016 Share Posted September 16, 2016 Oh man, imissdow, sounds like you were relieved from a lot of further instances of getting caught in the middle of an impossible situation. I'm sorry. This has got to hurt. But eek. Definitely for the best, it seems. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Portside Posted September 17, 2016 Share Posted September 17, 2016 Hmmmmm. . . . It sort of sounds like he decided he was tired of putting up with what he, rightly or wrongly, considers 'crap' that comes from a family with children. His quickly jumping into the idea that "I would let a 17yo run my life" leads me to believe this thought has been building within him for some time. You may be right that this incident was just an excuse to get out of the relationship. He may have just been waiting until something, anything, popped up and that, in his mind, put him over the edge. It's hard to say. I definitely had women break off dating once they concluded that including children that were not their own into their life was not going to be their cup of tea. I must say though they handled it better and more graciously than your NG. Good Luck - it's a minefield out there. Mike Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arneal Posted September 18, 2016 Share Posted September 18, 2016 imiss -- I think you dodged a bullet for sure. Your daughter has an intuition about this guy; I used to call it a 'vibe' when I was little and I still pay attention to it as an adult and haven't been wrong yet. And he says he's never had a 'kid' not like him before? Something creepy there ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TofinoMan Posted October 25, 2016 Share Posted October 25, 2016 If i was the guy i probably would have left to, just earlier. Sounds like the 17 year old is too much the boss in the house. When you find a man willing to put up with that run a full page newspaper ad with his picture announcing that you found the greatest and most tolerant man on earth. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
canadiangirl Posted October 25, 2016 Share Posted October 25, 2016 Whoa TofinoMan, imissdow's daughter sounds like many 17 year olds. Nothing new or egregious there-- in fact she communicates with her mother, has a job and is into dance, that's more than lots of teens. The adult guy with the fragile ego of a teen giving unsolicited parenting advice (if it was) who cannot take a hint is the intolerable one. imissdow, sorry you went through this, hope things are a bit better now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
imissdow Posted October 25, 2016 Author Share Posted October 25, 2016 Tofinoman: wow! Who ticked you off? Yes my DD has her moments but really who doesn't? My friends think I have great kids, respectful, caring and responsible. Guy was very insecure, and there were other issues. I'm in a good place at the moment. Glad for that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Portside Posted October 25, 2016 Share Posted October 25, 2016 If i was the guy i probably would have left to, just earlier. Sounds like the 17 year old is too much the boss in the house. When you find a man willing to put up with that run a full page newspaper ad with his picture announcing that you found the greatest and most tolerant man on earth. Dude chill. There is evidence of an ass related to this story but is it probably not the person you are thinking of. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mary3k Posted November 4, 2016 Share Posted November 4, 2016 It's better that he told you now, rather than too late. See... I remarried 1 year after my husband died (bad idea) and right after the honeymoon my new husband told me he hated my kids. SO, spare yourself the heartache... learn from me. You only want to be with someone who adores you AND your kids. FYI -- widows/ers are an attractive bunch -- no ex to deal with and they usually come with a bit of money. SO, keep looking -- and open your heart (but not your wallet) and you will find someone great just for you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arneal Posted November 4, 2016 Share Posted November 4, 2016 So sorry, Mary I made it clear straight off that there is no $ here. Struggling widow, so if the potential person was into me, he knew that right away. And that my son has special needs (even though he doesn't live with me). Oh, and I have guard dogs Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bear Tomás Posted November 4, 2016 Share Posted November 4, 2016 Kids are a pain in the ass. It took forever for my three to reach adulthood but we made it, barely. I even have less patience now for kids. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kjs1989 Posted November 5, 2016 Share Posted November 5, 2016 I am so sorry. NG has seen the absolute very worst of my kids and he has stuck around. Those special guys ARE out there. He has heard my young adult children be completely out of line and he has stepped up to the plate and put my kids in their place in no uncertain terms. When my smart-ass 22 year old son was ripping me up one side and down the other, NG was very silent for a long time. He just sat there for the longest time and I felt completely helpless. Then, Son said, "NG, I am sorry, you shouldn't have to be a part of this." At that point, NG got his bearings, grit his teeth, stood up and pointedly said to my son, "NO, I AM PART OF THIS!! AND I AM NOT THE ONE YOU NEED TO BE APOLOGIZING TO... SO SHUT UP AND APOLOGIZE TO YOUR MOM NOW!!!!! Son was shocked beyond words and guess what.... he apologized pronto. And, he still LIKES my kids after seeing the worst of them. He says, "they may be adults, but they are still KIDS at the end of the day." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Adley Posted November 5, 2016 Share Posted November 5, 2016 KJS- your NG rocks! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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