For those in budding relationships ...

[Bunny]

I'm liking it but I didn't like having to suggest these things because........I don't know, I guess I feel demanding.....( but I didn't demand) . I think he's just oblivious to things that make a house a home.

 

Perhaps what you see as demanding he sees as merely being helpful. He might be feeling relieved you've finally shown an interest.  I mean, it doesn't sound like he has a whole lot of interest/experience in the domestic side of a household. Congratulations -it sounds like you've got yourself a blank slate made of malleable clay! Now enjoy being Henry Higgins to his Eliza Doolittle. Just make sure your suggestions always come from a place of good will and you won't sound unreasonable or demanding. A word of warning- men like that aren't usually into sharing the household chores- they gladly hand the reins over to the woman in their lives so be sure to also teach him to take care of shit or you could one day find yourself doing it all!

[arneal]

Bunny -- I love your reply!

 

The role thing  : The first husband was one of those demanding, almost caveman types when it came to roles. Women's place and all that garbage. My second husband was the total opposite: could cook like a dream, which had caused difficulty in his first marriage (his ex, once she realized he could cook, didn't; for me, it made me nervous that whatever I cooked would not be good enough, but he was a great partner and I have, thanks to his encouragement over the years, become very comfy in the kitchen), and had no problems taking care of the house when I worked outside the home full-time (he had been retired for health by then). I honestly didn't become domestic until he died. I mean, I cleaned and all that, but the true pride in my home didn't blossom until I was in here all by myself. Sad perhaps but true.

 

I think about it now and in a way it goes back to something in an earlier discussion about getting comfy and losing the desire to work for the romance. While cleaning and cooking did not seem like aspects of romance to me before, they certainly do now. The first time NG and I had a conversation about him coming to my house, I warned him that I live in chaos theory ... I said it's clean but cluttered  When he got here, he looked around and said, 'this is not cluttered!' He's always liked my cooking, even when I wasn't happy with it. Needless to say, that encouraged me to keep at it.

 

I made cookies on Saturday and took some to his place yesterday; I had made reservations to take him out to dinner to celebrate his new job. He said he didn't think he'd ever had snickerdoodle cookies and when he bit it, he said the texture was perfect, reminded him of his mom's lemon cookies. I had to remind him we were going to dinner because he tucked in like he was going to make a meal of them. We got to the restaurant and just as we were finishing I went to the restroom. On my way back, I snagged the server and asked her to bring a slice of cake with a candle in it as a surprise. He was so shocked when she brought it. I guess it was a combination of cooking and not cooking  ;D It was a good day overall. I did want to stay over, but knew he had some studying to do for a project he's been put on for this new job so I didn't pout I have to travel for work next week myself, so we'll see what next weekend holds before I go!

 

Enjoy your Labor Day all!

[Bunny]

Today my boyfriend seriously pissed me off and it ended up making me miss my husband.  My husband couldn't bear for us to be angry at each other for very long, but my bf can go all day holding onto his grudges. Funny how my husband had the much shittier temper but wanted things resolved Right Away...

 

As for cooking- my husband taught me how to cook and I did end up doing the majority. My boyfriend enjoys cooking, so we share that task pretty evenly. I much prefer baking actually- though he is in charge of the pie-making.

[arneal]

I am so sorry, Bunny. I hope you will be able to talk with him about how him holding grudges makes you feel. My NG can be the same way but it has always been about others in the past. I try to talk about how it often hurts us more to be that way because the person we're holding the grudge against has most likely gone on with their life and isn't thinking about us, so we should move on and let it go. He's not quite there yet as some of his hurts go back a long way and are deep. But I am not sure how I would react should he be that way towards me. Probably not very well 

[tybec]

Bunny,

 

Thanks for sharing about that.  I find myself missing my LH with all the complications of the NG and our process of learning to manage things, like a fight/fuss.  It was so easy due to trust and knowing we would get through it with LH.  I wish I didn't go back to LH so much in my thoughts as it doesn't help me at all.  Oh well.  That is where I am.

 

Hot then cold.  Spent every night with NG for Labor DAy weekend.  Had MIL come visit at the new house.  She is moving next Friday back to her family, her HOME, she has always called it. Passively/aggressively posted on FB that she is moving because I moved with her grandson. LET IT GO, Tybec! 

 

Now, this week, no contact face to face.  Busy.  Work, other activities.  NG volunteers for the VFW now one night a week, is a cub scout pack leader, so that is one night a week, has his kids one night a week every other week.  Unbelievable we can be together so much and then, poof, gone.  I start a small group next week on one of his busy nights to get out, meet folks and learn.  My child is likely to get rolling soon, too, as school has been in a month and he is signing up for activities.  I guess it is just the way it is. 

 

I told him I need a night away, a B & B, something where we don't have to get up and do anything if we don't want.  He acknowledged it but when?  Patience.....

[arneal]

<3 tybec!

 

 

You bring up an interesting point about in-laws. I was just going through photos for a Facebook Throwback Thursday post and have been tempted a few times to post one of LH but can't bring myself to do it. I have minimal contact with his family, primarily two cousins who count me as family, and occasionally but less frequently, his daughter. I struggle with being the one who feels like I am ghosting even though the others don't really reach out to me much. I have a bunch of hard-copy photos in my garage that I am thinking of sending in one giant bundle to the one cousin so she can share them with those who want them during the holidays. I don't know. Wish this part of moving forward wasn't so weird and difficult, which I think it is because I'd like to manage other people's reactions ... if I could make it so they were okay with my life ... and we know how impossible that is sometimes ... Sigh.

[marriedwithkids77]

Thanks for sharing!

[Needytoo]

Everything is going very well with NG.  Hard to believe it has only been 9 weeks since we have met, I feel like we have known each other for a very long time.  Everything I wanted in a partner is in this man.  Feels great but then there is that part in your brain just waiting for some kind of deal breaker to happen.  (weird how our brains work).

 

I have met his Mom and his kids.  Told my kids a week ago.  Youngest took it not so bad, oldest not so well.  Last night NG came over to my house met my youngest my oldest avoided us.  Just letting my kids adapt to all of this. 

 

Need everyone's opinion on one thing which I find kind of interesting.  After my husband's passing, I really had a hard time excepting that I have to do everything on my own. I remember being so angry that friends/family weren't giving me support.  Sometime during this journey, I guess I have just accepted I have to do everything on my own. Now letting someone help feels good and very strange to me at the same time.  Anyone else having the same problem? 

[Trying]

When I was first started dating fiancé, well maybe for almost 2 years into dating him, I found it very hard to ask for or accept help from him.  Like you, after being frustrated with the lack of help I had after DH died I had resigned myself that I was on my own and had to do it all.  Asking for help made me feel weak and vulnerable.  What if he left me and I was on my own again?  Thankfully I got over it and am so happy for the help, wish it hadn't taken me so long to accept it.

[klim]

i definitely have an"I can do it myself" attitude and have a hard time accepting help.

 

Even at the beginning of this journey I didn't want help. My grief would have felt worse if I felt I needed help. I wouldn't even let anybody drive me and my kids to the funeral. Somehow I needed to be self sufficient. It helped me.

 

I've done all the maintenance on the house and brought my kids through the end of highschool and on to University. I'm used to it and there's a certain pride associated with it.

 

My worst stumbling block has been car maintenance so that is where my NG has succeeded in helping me. And I admit it feels good. Maybe I'll figure out how to accept other forms of help.

[arneal]

Glad things are good for you and great question, Trying (and thank you, klim!). I guess I've always been one of those 'I will do it myself' sort of people, particularly after the whole first marriage. An abusive spouse teaches resilience, at least in my case. However, as an only child whose parents did not coddle, I guess I was resilient before him. Anyway, my second husband was ill and as a caregiver, I did most everything, particularly that last year. Before that and when he retired due to his health, much of the 'heavy lifting' went to me. We didn't have help from family before then so I didn't expect it after. I am thankful that not many of his folks have been in the picture (my family is small and have never been close to me, beyond my mother) since now that I am moving on with NG, I don't want to hear anything about how I am living my life.

 

As far as asking NG for help, I don't do it often. I ask his opinions or I announce I am going to do something and he will provide feedback. He sneaks in the offer sometimes though. I am not at home right now as I have an on-ground teaching assignment this week. He was so sweet this past weekend; he actually asked me for help with something and when we talked it out, he asked me when I was leaving. I told him and he asked if he was going to see me before I left (thank God we were on the phone because I am sure I was grinning like an idiot). I went over and we had dinner and watched TV for a while before I needed to go so I could rest up before leaving. He asked me what time I was leaving and if I had someone to take me to the airport (when I went in the spring, I asked him to take me and he did); I told him I was driving this time and when I was leaving. He gave advice about where to be careful of speed traps and such. Well, the next morning when I got up and was packing the car, I see he sent me a text, telling me to have a good time and to text when I got there.  :-*

 

I think he knows I like to do things on my own, as he does, so I think it's a good balance 

[arneal]

Hello all: hoping you all and your NGs and families are well. My drive to my teaching assignment (all ~650 miles round trip of it) was quite cathartic. It's the farthest I've driven by myself in a long time and the last time I went that way, my LH and son were with me and I was a passenger. To traverse those roads, to see the places we stopped along the way, to realize I can do this life on my own in all ways with God's help and leading, was wonderful. I sang along to satellite radio all the way there and back, and laughed at how filthy my car is as it sits in my driveway. I texted NG to let him know I'd made it back but saw that he'd worked a killer week (50 hours plus another 25 hours of driving), so I haven't heard from him. I have been fighting the urge to text today and have determined that I won't.

 

Pray for me because I want to see him, but don't want to be the one to act like I have nothing better to do here than ask :-[ I have plenty of work on deck, so that certainly isn't the case. But I would leave a bit more until tomorrow if the opportunity came to spend time with him :-\ ???

[klim]

Oh i wouldn't hold back on texting...let you're feelings be known. You've been going out with him long enough you shouldn't have to pretend or play coy. If he's too beat to respond it's understandable but I see no problem just putting your' thoughts out there.

 

 

 

 

[arneal]

Thanks, klim. I think I struggle with the same thing many here have mentioned and that is being the one to make the suggestions. I want things to stay fresh, not drop into a too-familiar pattern, you know? I felt like I had done enough for a minute  So here's what ended up happening: I went on with my day's work and heard my Facebook Messenger go off. I looked and it was him -- he's never hit me up on IM but always texts. I open it and in the message he's let me know his phone is down. I message back and ask him what he's up to. He says something like, 'Not much, just some laundry.' So I get it, but I'm not going to make it too simple: I reply with something like, 'So, whatcha cooking? Since I was gone for a week, haven't thawed anything.' He comes back and says he hadn't thawed anything either but he'd look. He then says 'I'm thawing steaks -- come on over!!' He's a great cook so I was thrilled that he was on the stove instead of me for a change. We ate, talked, and watched movies until about 8:30/9, which is time for both of us to go to bed to get ready for work. I asked what happened to his phone since he it was on and I heard his traffic alert -- he was using it on wifi because he had to wait until payday to pay the bill. As we are walking to my car, he asked me when I had gotten home; I say Friday and that I'd sent him a text. He says, 'Oh, well, I will get that text on this coming Friday!' and we laugh about it.

 

In the end, I would have frustrated myself if I'd texted and not gotten an answer a second time by Sunday, so it all worked out.

 

However, it's been a little while since we've had extended cuddle time. I get it -- I traveled, he had the job change and associated stressors. But know that when I sent a 'thank you' Facebook Messenger message last night after I got home, I hinted that if it hadn't been a work night I would have given a proper thank you  ;D ;D We'll see what sort of response I get the next time we talk or see each other.

 

Have a good week, all! As my dear friend says, let the junior high moments of dating continue!

[klim]

I have mentioned in previous posts that BF is clingy.....When we are together I am  really happy, having a great time, no issues. The only issues arise when he has trouble saying goodbye/being apart.  Part of it is he is bad at communicating when we are apart. Really no texting at all sometimes. It's like it's all or nothing.

I'm trying to get him to communicate more, partly because I like it, and partly because I think if he's able to touch base when we're apart he won't be as clingy.

It's going pretty good this week,way more texts.

 

As an added bonus, he brought me a little necklace back from a 2 day business trip. It's been the first gesture of that type and I really appreciated that......I think because the lack of communiication had made me wonder how much he thought about me when we were apart...and now I know he was thinking of me while he was away.

 

[arneal]

Yay, klim! I hear you about the no or little in between. With patience and persistence we will get there!

[trying2breathe]

Hi All  Hope that everyone is doing well.  I'm back from a few weeks of vacation, it was a hectic departure as I evacuated with my elderly mother a few days before Irma, all is okay in our area and I'm very grateful.  While away, I got the chance to witness NG in action as he stayed at my house and took care of all hurricane preparations.  After the storm, he secured 2 fallen trees and cleaned up the aftermath. Swoon - if there was any question if he's a stand up guy, this affirmed that he is and it's pretty awesome.

 

To traverse those roads, to see the places we stopped along the way, to realize I can do this life on my own in all ways with God's help and leading, was wonderful.

 

^arneal  I love this, I have felt the same recently.  We can and are doing this life on our own, lately I've felt stronger than I have in awhile and I'm so grateful to be blessed with good health and a strong disposition to carry on.  Who knows what's coming, but for now I'm happy to be in a good place.

[arneal]

Glad all is well with you and yours, trying2. I've been under deadline for work and decided to do a debt consolidation to get these two broken vehicles off my property and largely off my monthly expenses. I also traveled for work. In the meantime, NG has been getting overtime at his new gig, which is good for him; he likes his co-workers and as a team lead feels validated for his skills, which are strong. I don't just say that because I like him but because as someone with tech skills herself, I see it. Anyway, we are finally on the books to have him meet my son this Sunday. I have been pondering the horrors of what this young man might say -- as I've mentioned he is on the autism spectrum but more importantly, he has no filter. If he meets someone I am friendly with, he assumes he is friendly with them too and will say anything. I am happy but nervous just the same. it will certainly mark a leveling up as far as I am concerned, that NG has been interested. I made the suggestion a couple months ago and we weren't able to make it happen then; he brought it up again first, which I appreciated, and when I asked if this weekend would work, he was all in.

 

Hoping everyone else is doing well and I will pop in to update you after Sunday. Know in the meantime, I have the playbook of conversations, responses, and scenarios running in my head!  :-[ ;D

[Needytoo]

Hope everything goes well on Sunday Arneal.  My NG’s sons are adopted the oldest has autism, and the youngest has fetal alcohol syndrome. NG was so when I met them because they can be a handful, but honestly, I just see kids, and we get along very well.  NG still hasn’t met my oldest but maybe on Sunday.

 

Thanks everyone for your responses on allowing someone to help you.  This is one quality I want in a partner, and I am trying to let it happen. I have been married twice before and never had a guy who wanted to help me more than Andy. He has opened up so much to me, and this is another quality I want so much. To have intimacy have a partner. I have opened up and shared things in my pass, and I have hinted at things in my life that wasn't very nice, but no I haven’t opened up everything.  Is this something I should do? 

 

Now for another question.  NG is separated and pays a hefty spousal support, a huge truck payment, and lawyer bills. Money is tight for him. He isn’t in debt (besides truck payment) and refuses to go into debt. He is very open about all this.  Me, on the other hand, I haven’t shared too much of my financial issues, but I do have a little more free cash than him.  There have been a few times where he has neglected to pay me back. It isn’t a huge amount, but it is there.  Next weekend we are going to his hunting camp. We have planned this for a while now. He mentioned a few times that this weekend is on him until yesterday he said things are tight, and he might have to dip into his savings for groceries on the weekend.  I so much want a relationship that communications well but I am having a very hard time on when to communicate. Do I bring up he said he would pay, stay quiet or just offer to pay for the food? I am 50 years old you would think I would be able to know how to answer this.

 

 

[jgib]

I would have trouble in this situation as well, so I am gong to be no help!

Is he manipulating you because in the past you have fronted up and paid.  Why else would he mention he has to dip into his savings.....

Don't let feelings of resentment slip in, they can be tough on a relationship.  Just because you are more organized financially doesn't mean you should pay for everything.

I believe I would just ignore his comment and let him get the groceries.  He knew the weekend was coming up. 

Instead what he said, he just could have asked if you would mind picking up a few things as well, so it was a split for the food and drinks.

I hope it gets worked out smoothly for you.

[arneal]

Thanks, Needy -- NG told me he once dated a woman who's son was on the spectrum so I am sure it will be okay. I made a comment when we first started talking about it that my son might just say or ask anything because he doesn't have a filter and NG just smiled and said he could ask anything. I was like, be careful what you ask for 

 

As an aside, there is a new show on TV called the Good Doctor; it's about a young doctor with autism. I watched the first episode last night and part of it had me in tears. I posted about it on social media and someone I know got into all this stuff about how bad of a show it was because it's so not believable. She was stuck on the fact that if a person acted like the main character, they could cause the hospital to get sued (not quick in responses, etc etc). I lost it and commented about how I have enough reality and wasn't watching it for that but wanted to see how they portrayed a person with autism, that I don't usually watch major network TV but will support this for my son and others like him. She had admitted she doesn't have the expertise to comment on the autistic behaviors but went on about the lack of realism in other ways. I mentioned my background -- dealing with the abusive first husband, my son's dad, and how the one speech the guy in the show made had me crying. No more responses from her. I mention it because you said something about how much to share, Needy. Different context I know, but there are times when it can't be helped ...

 

Specifically to your point, you asked about how much to share. I have used that phrase, that things weren't very nice, when I talk to my mom -- she knew about the first husband to a certain extent, more because she got a vibe from him, but I have never told her much because I didn't want to hurt her. Anyway, NG was very VERY open from the first telephone conversation we had. I think it's because he just wanted it all out there, accept me as I am or don't bother with me sort of thing. I figured if he can put it out there, so can I. However, the really bad parts I didn't share until we were well into our situation and he had shared something about his last marriage. I think I told the story somewhere on here about how he asked me to sit down at my kitchen table because he had something to tell me. He described this situation that had happened between him and his ex. They were just separated at that point -- he had told me that from the beginning and made it clear that he was getting divorced; even shared that he had messed up at one point because some paperwork came and he wasn't aware of the deadline to get it back in ... sent it a bit late but the divorce went through without any issues. Anyway, he told me of the incident and said he just wanted me to know in case things got ugly during the divorce, just so I would know his side of the story. He was shaking, so nervous to tell me. That night, I told him of the really bad things that had happened in the first marriage. We've shared some other things along the way as well so it's been quite open on that front. Like you, Needy, I have been married twice (widowed twice as well) and he describes himself as being married and divorced twice, even though there was no official marriage between him and his kids' mom.

 

I was smiling a bit as you describe the financial thing. So I am less of a 'saver' than NG is at this point I think. My second marriage was to a musician and despite our best efforts, we always lived on the edge financially, especially after he got really sick and couldn't play anymore. Thank God for retirement because he was able to get social security early. However that went away after he died of course and everything is on me. I work at three different universities as I do not have a single full-time gig. I just did a debt consolidation to get two broken vehicles off my property, so the bad credit I have is about to get worse for a minute. I am not concerned as I do already have a mortgage with a locked in rate and have a working vehicle as well, so there it is. Praying nothing goes terribly wrong in the next three years or so while I work this program! Anyway, a few months ago, NG ran into an issue with work. The guy he worked with was keeping all the work for himself so there were weeks when NG had no work (and no pay). He was short a little to pay some bills, so I lent it to him. Time went on and he didn't mention it. I had to travel a couple weeks ago for work and thought about asking for it back, but something just didn't feel right, so I didn't. The day before I was due to leave, he called me (very rare because usually we text about plans). He was in a panic about the rent and asked if I could help, even though he already owed me, because they were going to get kicked out; he lives with his youngest daughter (early 20s) and she hadn't given him the notice (needless to say, I wanted to say something about that, but didn't). He had started a new job, but with the way they hold back a week and them not paying except every two weeks, the timing was crazy. I told him I would see what I could do. In the end, I was able to help but I would be traveling and needed a way to get the money to him. Without hesitation, he gave me his bank information -- we use the same bank, just different branches -- so I could do a transfer. I have copies of his driver's license and social security card from when he was doing a job application last year; when he got this new job, he couldn't find his social security card and texted me from the office to see if I still had a copy. I did and sent him the picture of it. A week ago or so, he made a comment about owing me, so I know it's on his mind.

 

Before all this bumpy road, we never talked money much unless it was about us going somewhere. If it was an in-between week for me, I would say I was willing to cook at home because my pockets were kind of thin. He would do the same. We have a joke about it, actually. There have been times when we've gone out even when we were both sort of on the low side and he'd pay for dinner and say 'you got that?' if we were going to the movies too, meaning was I able to pay for the movie tickets.

 

I often think about the scripture that basically suggests that if you can't give, don't lend. I remember when I was going through something last year and couldn't get some medical tests done because I don't have traditional insurance. He asked how much it was going to cost and I told him I didn't know because if they found something I wouldn't be able to pay for it anyway. I think he was going to offer, but I wasn't trying to go there because of the potential future costs. I believe if I was in a situation, he would help me, but -- and back to the asking for help thing -- I try not to. I have been quite independent and want to be more so. I am trying to get into a better financial state because if this relationship does go forward and say we were to get to a point of talking about sharing space, I want to be clear that I can hold my own better than I do now.

 

It's not easy, Needy. I'm spitting at 50 as well and like my play-little brother says, dating is so junior high. Bottom line, I don't often offer to pay for stuff when we are out ... it just happens organically. NG is clear to say when he doesn't have any extra cash at the moment to go out and I do the same. Either he or I will cook at home in those cases. If you all are going somewhere, if I were you, I'd have some money tucked in my pocket and see what happens. If your NG says he can't, decide whether it's worth going or whether it's just easier for you to get the food. You've known his financial situation and it's up to you how you feel about it. If you all need to talk, do it soon. The 'experts' say that money is one of the main reasons relationships get weird or end. Is your connection to him worth it? Only you know.

 

{{{hugs!}}}

[tybec]

Oh, the money stuff.  HARD.  Yes, have read the stats on marital break ups over money management.  New territory.

 

NG is separated and pays a hefty spousal support, a huge truck payment, and lawyer bills. Money is tight for him. He isn’t in debt (besides truck payment) and refuses to go into debt. He is very open about all this.  Me, on the other hand, I haven’t shared too much of my financial issues, but I do have a little more free cash than him.

 

This is me.  I am not rich, either, but have some financial luxuries others do not, TEMPORARILY.  I live on SSI for now, work part time, to take care of my dying mother and my now teen son.  It is temporary.  I don't spend big.  The money issues are tough to maneuver. 

 

I went on vacation with a family a couple years out.  We didn't decide how to pay for things, and the dad kept paying for stuff for all 6 of us.  I was uncomfortable and then paid for all of us at other things.  I needed to just say, "Let's go dutch."  Well, I like that with NG when he has his sons and I have mine.  Just last weekend, we went to the movies together and he text he ordered the tickets and paid for them on line.  OK.  I planned to pay him our part.  We go out to eat prior, and he says when we go to pay, "Since I paid for the movies, how about you pay dinner.  We are here in the relationship, right?"  I wasn't prepared, and I said I would go dutch.  It was uncomfortable.  I paid him for the movie tickets, then.  But it was still awkward to me. 

 

He paid for my new washer and dryer as he has a credit card for that store and got $200 off due to his veterans status.  Well, I am paying him back for it in 3 months, though he got 6 months same as cash.  He teases me about owning it, me owing him.  It is funny sometimes, but then I told him I would write a check if that was a problem, so he knows he teased too far. I don't know the answer to all this.

 

My former house didn't sell.  They backed out of the contract last minute.  So, I have two homes right now.  I am a bit stressed. I am trying to not get upset about something I can't control.  I can survive it, I know, but it is a financial stress.

 

DH and I had nothing when we got married but our degrees, starting out,  and all we accumulated was together.  WE had one checking account for our whole marriage.  Blending stuff is difficult.  I will follow you all on this for information.

Not sure what I would do regarding lending him money. 

[klim]

With the money thing....I've had 2 post widow relationships.o  I am financial independant, work full time, own my house, can have nice  vacations as long as I stay in airbnb  instead of the Hilton.

 

First guy was not on solid financial ground although could hold his own on regular things. It was when we planned a vacation that I worried about putting him in debt if we went 50-50. We discussed it and he refused to have it any other way, said we'd tally everything and split it. I agreed. .....but I snuck a couple of expenses onto a different credit card so it didn't sow up in the tally. I felt good helping out and he wasn't hurt.

 

Second guy is more solid then me. He definitely has no problem dropping a fair amount of money on tickets or outings. I on the other hand have gotten to this point by being frugal. I contribute to our dating expeditions but I choose the cheaper events to pay for because I wouldn't choose to go to a concert that cost $100 so that's on him. I would say we're 50-50 on who pays but I pay for cheaper things so 60-40 on cost

We don't really talk about who's paying except when we vacationed and this time we did an honest 50-50.

 

It's funny I liked when I was able to help first guy and I like that I get treated nice by second guy. Personally if I was able to help with the hunting trip and wouldn't be stinging from it , I would do it even if he said it was on him. ( that is as long as he's willing to accept help)

 

 

 

 

[Needytoo]

Great responses everyone. 

 

I agree with you Arneal, I don't lend money and actually, expect to get it back.  What he owes me is under $100 so no I am not really worried about it and his handyman skills have saved me so much I really feel bad even complaining about it, but yet I have. I had one friend that took advantage of me financially and I am just a little worried that I might be doing it again.

 

NG is a heavy duty mechanic and makes good money but if he makes more his spousal support goes up. My salary bounces around from semester to semester and right now I am making extremely good money but putting in long hours for it. Andy wants to help me where ever he can, but until my sons accept him I have to turn him down on most of the chores he wants to do around the house.

 

I need to work on this sharing and communication thing. You are so right Arneal, dating is so junior high. 

 

 

[trying2breathe]

About money - NG and I split most everything 50/50, occasionally he'll pay for something like theater tix and then I'll do the same kind of thing another time.  I don't share anything financially with him but believe that I have a little more wiggle room with money than he does, so there are times that I don't expect to have him contribute.  He's never asked for a loan, for me this would bring about a conversation about living within a budget and what you can afford to do together.  Months ago I told NG that I didn't expect us to align with each other on all things, financial stuff is hard though and I believe something that needs straight communication.  Awkward to talk about, but like jgib mentions I can see where resentment can easily set in and I hope this doesn't happen for you.  NG and I are talking about going away for Thanksgiving, I'm interested to see what his expectations will be as far as splitting the costs.  Eight months into this relationship, and I feel like now it's getting into some real life stuff.

 

 

arneal  My son is a high functioning Aspie, he also has very little filter and there have been times when I wanted to dig a hole and jump in after some of the things that he has said!  If you've let NG know what to expect, I wouldn't sweat it.  I haven't seen the TV show you mention but plan to check it out - living with somebody on the autism spectrum is a challenge and for those that don't understand it, it's frustrating to try to explain.  I'm one to usually stay private, but that would be a time when I would open up and willingly share my experiences too.