Mac Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 Early On: "Some of the neighbors think that you aren't grieving enough." (You should see me behind closed doors or with those that I trust). Going to the Optometrist. This was at about 7 months: The other day I was at the optometrist office. I had requested a copy of Cindy's charges from last year. It was supposed to be waiting for me. They didn't have it ready, so I gave them her name and DOB. The receptionist looked at me and said: I show that she is dead. She said it in the tone of: I see that you have changed your phone number. The employee sitting next to her turned and looked at her in a state of disbelief. That employee then looked up at me and started crying. I replied: Yes indeed, she is dead. There had been some other sadness earlier that day - so that kind of just added to that. By about 9:00 PM I actually started to find it somewhat humorous that she was so clueless. If I would have been on my toes, I would have responded to her: "As coroner I must report, I thoroughly examined her. And she's not only merely dead, she's really most sincerely dead." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mac Posted March 10, 2015 Author Share Posted March 10, 2015 Shit People Say to Widows Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lovedroses Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 My winner in this category after 5 years of some truly mind blowing nuggets: "You are so lucky, you have options now." If it had been handy, I do believe I would have purse-slapped her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elizabeth29 Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 At Thanksgiving dinner with my DH's family, his uncle, quite loudly, asks me if I've starting dating yet. With all eyes on me, I say no. His reply? "Huh, it's not natural for someone your age not to be dating". Um...ok....maybe I'm not dating because your nephew died and I just don't feel like it yet. I should have flung a spoonful of mashed potatoes at his head. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mangomom Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 At the cemetery, 3 days after he unexpectedly died, buying the plots... "You sure you want two? You are young and pretty, you'll probably marry again." Former best friend... "If you think you should be crying about B and you aren't, call me and I'll do it. I miss him so much." My own mother, after seeing my new hair cut at abou 9 months out... Wow, you've bounced back. I'm so happy for you. There's a guy in my office..." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chopperette Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 A friend told me at almost 21 months out I pray every day for him to have a chance to get into heaven, that is if he made it into purgatory... I was...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Baylee627 Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 At the cemetery office, less than two weeks after DH's burial, I'd come to fork over the setting fee for his monument installation. The office manager, about the most unpleasant old mare ever conceived takes one look at my stricken, tearful face and chirped brightly: "don't you worry, you are still young and you'll get married again." Me: (thinking, step off, beeyotch, and WTF??) "I am not even thinking of that." Her: "Well, I lost my first husband at around your age, and I got remarried, so trust me that you will, too. Me: "Are we finished here? Because I'm going to go visit my husband's grave." My sweet husband was resting eternally about 40 yards to the left of me outside her office window. That scrunched-faced woman was lucky I didn't throttle her in a fit of fury! Baylee Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mangomom Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 The office manager, about the most unpleasant old mare ever conceived takes one look at my stricken, tearful face and chirped brightly: "don't you worry, you are still young and you'll get married again Your cemetery witch and my gravedigger must have studied at the same school for the obnoxious! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
widowat33 Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 Ah, yes..the young you will get married again comments..Really? Cause that's the first thing on my mind when I've just lost the love of my life, yep first priority find a man.. Or, everything happens for a reason...explain that one..or better yet explain the reason I just "four finger throat punched" you ( that was my hubby's favorite saying, he had lost a finger, so it was always four fingered instead of five) I just smile politely and change the topic, because I'm sure I have and will make insensitive statements too.. But yeah sometimes they just piss you off... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OSAAT Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 I was trying to explain some of the complicated grief I have experienced to a friend, which is my fault. I know better. He asked if i still loved J. I said yes. I said I still loved my first love, too. He said well I see why you've struggled with dating (I am thinking WTF does that mean). I asked what he meant and he said "it is tough for a man to swallow that his gf loves other men". I responded saying well, I am not shouting it in their faces or wearing t-shirts. And his response was "its a rock and a hard place to secretly love other men while trying to build an honest relationship with a new man. I don't envy you". WTF was that? And who said I was secretly hiding anything you dickwaud? My response was "just because you're no longer in a relationship or someone dies does not mean you stop loving them. It is not that simple". I don't even know what to say. I am completely speechless (for once). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carey Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 Ya'll ready for me to take the prize here? A year later I can laugh, but wow.... So my husband died 11/23/13, his body came back from Saudi Arabia 1/6/14, and he was finally laid to rest at Fayetteville State Veteran's Cemetery 1/17/14. I live about 45 minutes away from Fayetteville. One of my childhood friends lives there now. We're talking like elementary school. Didn't go through middle school or high school together because he moved. When he moved back to NC as an adult we picked back up a facebook friendship and he came to visit me once while Chad was in Saudi and helped me with a car issue. Chad's death was complicated by the overseas thing and there were lots of details over 6 weeks that were mind boggling. Trey helped with some of that since he lived where I was burying Chad. So fast forward to the day of the funeral. Outdoors, January 17th, military honors. We were in a committal shelter but it was COLD. Trey put his coat around my shoulders, which was a nice gesture. I was just completely strung out. I ended up kneeling in the dirt after they buried him and just couldn't get up. He took a pic of me then which I thought was weird. Later, we all went to his restaurant he managed. He is a 5 star chef and it was FANCY. He comped the bill for all of us ... like 20 people. Long story short, the people I was spending the night with weren't feeling well and I had left my truck at their house. I asked Trey if he would take me back to the cemetery, I just wanted to go back for a few minutes and he said he would. We get there and it's dark and cold and he is standing behind me with his arms around me which I was fine with. UNTIL he turned me around, KISSED me with tongue..........and tried to run his hand UP my dress. Yup right there at the fresh grave. Do I get an award for most obnoxious encounter in widowhood? UGHHH...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Linda L Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 Mine was when a fellow young widow told me "to look in the mirror" when I lamented on the other board that I would probably never know the reasons behind my DH's suicide. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DonnaP Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 Wow! THOSE are pretty obnoxious. I don't think I can top any of the former comments. I did get propositioned by a co-worker, who told me he'd had a dream about me. Silly me - so naive - I asked what we were doing in the dream. He said we had taken a hike, and stopped by a large boulder, then started doing it on the boulder. Um. Yeah. Time to end THAT conversation fast... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JacklessSally Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 I had a widow (on another support group online) tell me that I didn't know what loss was. That my loss was nothing in comparison. A few weeks later, a friend and I were talking about suicidal thoughts and his accidental overdose (he is fine, thank god) she butted in and told us that we aren't allowed to talk about things like that and that we were scaring away people who may need to talk... I have had strangers offer me sex as a way to get over B.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsDan Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 Ya'll ready for me to take the prize here? A year later I can laugh, but wow.... So my husband died 11/23/13, his body came back from Saudi Arabia 1/6/14, and he was finally laid to rest at Fayetteville State Veteran's Cemetery 1/17/14. I live about 45 minutes away from Fayetteville. One of my childhood friends lives there now. We're talking like elementary school. Didn't go through middle school or high school together because he moved. When he moved back to NC as an adult we picked back up a facebook friendship and he came to visit me once while Chad was in Saudi and helped me with a car issue. Chad's death was complicated by the overseas thing and there were lots of details over 6 weeks that were mind boggling. Trey helped with some of that since he lived where I was burying Chad. So fast forward to the day of the funeral. Outdoors, January 17th, military honors. We were in a committal shelter but it was COLD. Trey put his coat around my shoulders, which was a nice gesture. I was just completely strung out. I ended up kneeling in the dirt after they buried him and just couldn't get up. He took a pic of me then which I thought was weird. Later, we all went to his restaurant he managed. He is a 5 star chef and it was FANCY. He comped the bill for all of us ... like 20 people. Long story short, the people I was spending the night with weren't feeling well and I had left my truck at their house. I asked Trey if he would take me back to the cemetery, I just wanted to go back for a few minutes and he said he would. We get there and it's dark and cold and he is standing behind me with his arms around me which I was fine with. UNTIL he turned me around, KISSED me with tongue..........and tried to run his hand UP my dress. Yup right there at the fresh grave. Do I get an award for most obnoxious encounter in widowhood? UGHHH...... Ummmm, yes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsDan Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 Mine was when a fellow young widow told me "to look in the mirror" when I lamented on the other board that I would probably never know the reasons behind my DH's suicide. But Linda gets the prize for getting the biggest asshole comment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Baylee627 Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 The office manager, about the most unpleasant old mare ever conceived takes one look at my stricken, tearful face and chirped brightly: "don't you worry, you are still young and you'll get married again Your cemetery witch and my gravedigger must have studied at the same school for the obnoxious! Or perhaps they are first cousins, who knows! Baylee Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carey Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 Whoa Linda .... that was not only obnoxious it was hurtful and downright mean. Hope you don't have any contact with that person anymore. Sheesh............some people ..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tweety76 Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 Oh boy Linda and JacklessSally! Horrible! I remember commenting on the old board that it actually hurts even more when the DGI/hurtful comments come from a fellow widow(er). Linda: that was just whoa! awful. What is wrong with people? JS: I'm so sorry you had to witness that. Suicidal thoughts are so common and talking about them keeps us alive. Been there, done that, YWBB caught me. I really haven't had any DGI comments just mild blurts. I however am capable of "smiting" (sorry! couldn't resist) them back either with politeness or just down right rude back. Hugs all! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest marian1953 Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 "Peter was nothing but an alcoholic and a drug addict." About four months into his death, maybe less. This was one of my sisters on the phone, asking again for money. Peter was sober and we had supported her for years (autistic nephew) and her lousy assed husband lazed around for years trying to make it as a musician. To this day I can feel the shock and hurt when she said it. The venom is her voice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trying Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 My worst was from an IRL widow friend just after DH died. He and I spent 8 years by her side after her husband died and my DH did countless things to help her because that's the kind of guy he was. She said to me"you will never have anyone who will help you now as much as Tim (my DH) helped me". "You have no idea how hard this is on me and my kids" referring to the death of MY husband and my kids Dad. And another goodie from her " you will be remarried within a year because you're not as picky as me". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jen Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 I think the worst thing anyone has said to me came from one of my coworkers. I was talking about how I was not only grieving my sweet Jim, but the loss of my relationship, and the fear of being alone for the rest of my life. (Mind you, not one person has given me the "oh, you'll find someone else" line. It's like everybody I know thinks I should hie me to the nunnery.) My friend-- and I really do think of her as one, even after this particularly poorly chosen line-- told me, "You need a rich old gay guy. Then you can spend his money and do what you want." I don't know, maybe that doesn't strike anyone else as particularly insensitive, but it just about shattered me. In those words I heard, "You will never have love again, you will never have sex again, no man will ever look at you, ever, so forget it! LOSER!!" Probably that's far from what she meant, but jeez... :-/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tweety76 Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 My eyes hurt! for reading... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest sphoc Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 I've had a few doozies, coworkers and family alike: 1) 5 days after DH died of a self-inflicted GSW, my second day at work (yeah, he died on Thursday, I was back at work Monday) while at a meeting to review cases, "I'm going to shoot myself if I have to deal with this agent." 2) 3 month anniversary after coworker asked me if I was ok and I mentioned I was having a rough day that day, "Shouldn't you be over that by now?" Never mind some of the hateful suggestions I got from family - stepmother (who didn't particularly care for DH) recommended shipping his ashes back to the UK and letting his people "deal with it". There are more, but those were probably the worst. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mac Posted March 10, 2015 Author Share Posted March 10, 2015 I had a bunch of people over to my house the night of the funeral, after the formal reception. One college friend said to me: "Well Cindy must have been a bitch and a nag at times." My response: "In terms of the bitch part, we all have our days don't we Kelly? In terms of the nag part, Cindy never wanted to be a stereotypical spouse. I can be a bit of procrastinator at times, she didn't even nag me about stuff that she probably should have." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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