lcoxwell Posted November 27, 2015 Share Posted November 27, 2015 I threw out his cigarette buds from the ash tray and then really regretted it. Wish I kept them. I can so relate to this! I hated that Kenneth smoked, and wanted him to quit for years. The last thing I saw him doing, before he died, though, was to light up a cigarette and to hug our daughter. For the longest time, I left his ash tray sitting, just as he left it. I could not bring myself to throw out the ashes and cigarette butts, no matter how hard I tried. Eventually, I ended up taking the last one to ever touch his lips and placed it in a baggie. I put the baggie inside his coat pocket, and bagged them all up together. I never did empty that ash tray, though. When I moved, I made my son take care of it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karin Posted December 1, 2015 Share Posted December 1, 2015 When I called to deal with Eddie's outstanding credit card balance and learned that I have to pay exactly ZERO of it, I was surprised and initially elated to not have that burden to worry about . . . .then quickly ticked that I had put the $2K plus it cost to reach the out of pocket maximum for his recent hospital stay (before insurance covered the rest) on my card instead of his. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Virgo Posted December 3, 2015 Share Posted December 3, 2015 I had two dates scheduled for today. One flaked, and the other rescheduled. Guess that's what I get for scheduling two in one day. Ha! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
canadiangirl Posted December 3, 2015 Share Posted December 3, 2015 This week, it will be two years since his death. One of the ways that it is marking me is the realization that I've had things on my to-do list for two years now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stolendance Posted December 12, 2015 Share Posted December 12, 2015 When I journal I sometimes make a list of what I have learned as a widow.. I think most points I have relate her: -I never really had a filter now I definitely don't and it kinda feels good..... Example someone told me they thought it was a bit early to be dating and I said "unless your walking in my shows I don't think you get an opinion". They were speechless. -I have to stop myself from glaring at couples that grocery shop. I think its because my husband always joked about couples that grocery shop and now it just pisses me off... -I hate the feeling of how some things in the past were signs of the future.... 1. We just bought a place close to our cities main hospital. The entire summer I always looked at the hospital and thought of it as the ugliest building I had ever seen....I even mentioned it to him numerous times. Little did I know he would die there in the fall. 2. Two psychics during the duration of our marriage told me I would be a widow. It pissed me off then and really makes me mad now. 3. This isn't something from the past but just kinda a funny way of how the unknown works but occurs for a reason... An ex boyfriend who my husband never really liked & showed up at my husbands memorial (the husband would have been mad)... got remarried the day my husband died. My therapist says thats someone ensure we never reconnect. I think its funny. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TheOtherHalf Posted December 12, 2015 Share Posted December 12, 2015 Kinda late here, and sorry, I only read the last post, and I read it several times, because it really elicited something in me and I wanted to make sure that all the questions I fire off makes sense, at least to me, if not stolendance. You don't have to answer them here, but if they strike a cord, then in the silence of your heart. Or you could answer here, whatever suits. How do you feel about the idea that your husband stuck around just long enough to make sure you didn't hook up with him? Why do you suppose he didn't like that ex? How do you feel about the answers? If I may, I want to offer a widow confession. I confess I am thankful that the online dating vent thread was started. Because for the very first time ever, I asked myself the question: Is it possible these days, to date, but not date the guys you dated in the past? Can you believe I never asked myself this, and might never have, had not that thread been started? So thank you to the poster who started it. I should have looked up the name before starting this post, but I wanted to post all this while my mind still had a grasp on the salient points. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsDan Posted January 7, 2016 Share Posted January 7, 2016 I pure, straight, hate my job. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
November Posted January 7, 2016 Share Posted January 7, 2016 I pure, straight, hate my job. Sometimes I do too! I saw this quote on FB: "I don't mind coming to work, but that eight hour wait to go home is a bitch!" ;D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsT85 Posted January 8, 2016 Share Posted January 8, 2016 The only parts of my life that have brought me any joy lately have been my cats. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Virgo Posted January 8, 2016 Share Posted January 8, 2016 Yesterday I went back to bed after my daughters got on the bus. I woke up at 2pm. My youngest daughter gets home from school at 2:30. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
linda5 Posted January 8, 2016 Share Posted January 8, 2016 My 45 year old boss thought he was having a heart attack at work and called on me. I remained calm, called 911, and took care of him. The only reason I was able to remain calm and keep him calm was that I was thinking to myself, "Is this all you can throw at me? I've seen worse. You're still breathing and my DH died." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ladybug Posted January 8, 2016 Share Posted January 8, 2016 It has been almost eight summers that I have been widowed. This year I am going to seriously look for a good man. I am tired of being alone all the time. I don't share this in real life.....no one would understand. I am working on myself. I see a future and I am not so sad. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jen Posted January 25, 2016 Share Posted January 25, 2016 Nope. Can't do it anymore. I quit. No amount of self-care or working on me can fix what's wrong. I've stopped wishing for death, but I think longingly of somehow acquiring a case of amnesia. I would love to start over as a whole new person-- no past, no grief, no fear of an endlessly empty future. I'm okay... but I'm not. I don't want to be a wid anymore. I want this s*** out of my head for good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsDan Posted January 25, 2016 Share Posted January 25, 2016 The better my boyfriend treats me the angrier I find myself at Dan. Lately I've been thinking more and more about the ways he hurt me. I had a meltdown at Lowes on Saturday because buying a dishwasher with a toddler in tow became overwhelming. And then I went to my parking lot and sobbed. I sobbed thinking about how much he hurt me, and how I feel so utterly betrayed. I've been thinking about the things he made me feel bad about, the concessions he refused to make. Wondering how much of that was his drinking, and how much of it was him. I know a lot of people find themselves comparing their new loves to their late spouses, but I'm finding it to be the other way around. Which isn't fair. It's not fair to compare someone who was in a comfortable relationship with me for many years to someone who is new and infatuated, putting his best foot forward. But sometimes NG says or does something, and I think, that's awesome, Dan would have never done that. And I know sometimes people put their late spouses on a pedestal, and I think I did that for a time, but now maybe I'm doing the opposite. Maybe things weren't as bad as I'm remembering. But then I come back to, he drank so much that he died, and now I have to take care of our child and our dogs by myself and live with this trauma, with these horrific memories. And I know it was a disease but I am still so fucking angry. And these memories, these thoughts and images seem to be pushing those of missing him out the way and coming to the front of the line. And it's making me all griefy in a way haven't been as much since I started dating my boyfriend. Because by and large, he makes it easier. I feel like I'm not supposed to say that but he does. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairlanegirl Posted January 26, 2016 Share Posted January 26, 2016 Because by and large, he makes it easier. I feel like I'm not supposed to say that but he does. I know what you mean. Yes, without my new fellow I'd still be better than 5 years ago, and we widow/ers need to be strong as individuals, but being loved again has also helped me a lot. I consider myself a feminist, but it is only human. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TooSoon Posted January 26, 2016 Share Posted January 26, 2016 MrsD, I try to remind myself that I'm no longer the person I was all of those years ago. I've grown and learned from what life has dished out to me. I have struggled - and suspect I will continue to struggle - with allowing someone to love me just as I am and to trust that he isn't going to let me down. Anger has not been one of my chief emotions but fear has been. I will say that I've wondered how I could compromise the way that I did in my marriage. Put up with some of the shit that I did. But it doesn't matter now because that is over. I try to tell myself it is only about what comes next that matters and that we did the best we could when we were married and now, it is about something else, no striving, just loving and living and being ok. I also want you to know that falling in love again has been both an incredible adventure and a trial by fire as I sort myself out. Part of the joy of this new journey has been allowing myself to feel again and that is tough work but so far also worth it in kind. All my love. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bunny Posted January 26, 2016 Share Posted January 26, 2016 Oh, MrsDan...there was SO MUCH in your confession I wanted to quote, that I related to. Dating my boyfriend has really pushed my husband off his pedestal- because the honest truth is that this relationship is just easier, in so many ways. I can't tell you how many one-sided heated conversations I've had with my husband about this! Anger at him for not getting his rage issues under better control, angry at myself for putting up with more than I should have. It got to the point where I found it almost impossible to feel any of the good stuff, access any of the good memories- I just started fixating on every shitty thing he'd ever said or done. It's been very, very painful- and a different kind of grief I can't explain, can't seem to get a good handle on. God, I wish I could afford therapy!!! It's only been quite recently, 18 months into my angerfest, that I've felt any kind of relief. My conversations with him have finally begun to mellow as I work my way towards fully understanding and accepting our marriage- both the ugly parts and the sublime. Because it's not fair, to either of us, to ignore one or the other. one doesn't have to cancel out the other completely. I don't know....maybe, for me, I needed to let myself feel all that anger. But, fuck, it's been exhausting. And frustrating. i do know this much- wherever he is, if he is aware of my life now, I know he is happy to see me with someone who brings me so much joy, who has helped to ease my grief, and who takes such very good care of me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guaruj Posted January 26, 2016 Share Posted January 26, 2016 But sometimes NG says or does something, and I think, that's awesome, Dan would have never done that. Is there some way you can return the favor to your boyfriend? That is, can you do something that simply makes him happy, just to let him know how happy he is making you? I belief he would feel very much encouraged if you did that. Under those circumstances, the two of you should be very happy together. And being that happy would leave you less time for feeling angry over your husband's reckless behavior. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsDan Posted January 26, 2016 Share Posted January 26, 2016 Guaruj?, what I'm finding is that the happier I am with my boyfriend, the angrier I am with Dan. I have shared with him a bit if this, and that some of my feelings probably seem really fucked up. He said, no, they seem perfectly normal to him, but he also understands why they would feel like a mind fuck to me. I have shared with him how happy he makes me, said things and made small gestures that I know he appreciates. It's not a question of time really. The trauma of Dan's addiction pushes his way in. I will say, to your point, when we're together, I'm not thinking of these things, or if I am, it's in a way that I can talk about them rationally. It's only other times, especially when I'm stressed that these thoughts intrude. And there just happen to be a lot more of those times than the times we get to spend together, because we're both very busy and each have a child. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trying Posted January 27, 2016 Share Posted January 27, 2016 MrsDan, i went through a period in the early months of my chapter 2 relationship that I became very angry with DH. Our problems were not as severe as alcoholism but there were problems that became all the more obvious when I was in a relationship that didn't have those same issues. I also was always fine when NG and I were together but my mind would turn on me when I was alone and overthinking everything. I think some of my anger was misplaced guilt that I was so happy with another man. Some of it was feeling like we had wasted the time we had when he was alive. The good news is that my anger with DH has eased up and my new relationship may be better in some ways but not in others. I'm at the point where I am mostly accepting that the 2 relationships are separate and different. It's ok if NG makes me happier in some ways and it's ok if I miss DH for who he was in my life for over 20 years. I don't have any answers really but I think that if you acknowledge the way you are feeling and continue to try to be "in the moment" with Boyfriend, time will level off the negative thoughts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsDan Posted January 27, 2016 Share Posted January 27, 2016 Thanks Trying. I really appreciate your perspective. In other news, I still really, really hate my job. I'm still cleaning up messes I inherited, and cleaning up messes I made myself because I didn't really know what I was doing. I have been completely unmotivated lately. I have so much to do, both at work and at home and I just don't want to do any of it. I have a cold, so maybe that's why it seems especially bad today. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captains wife Posted January 27, 2016 Share Posted January 27, 2016 My moods just seem worse as a widow...and my concentration at work : ( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Virgo Posted January 28, 2016 Share Posted January 28, 2016 Sex feels good, but it makes me miss my husband even more. This sucks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TormentedTwoStep Posted January 29, 2016 Share Posted January 29, 2016 Sex feels good, but it makes me miss my husband even more. This sucks. Really? I seem to recall that it feels good, but it's been so long I can hardly remember. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Virgo Posted February 23, 2016 Share Posted February 23, 2016 Last night I told my teenagers I was going to the gym, but I actually went to my new guy's house to 'work out' with him. Dating with children makes things interesting lol. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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