New here - day 8 for me

[jodiwitz]

I'm not sure where to post or if I even belong here. I'm 50, and 8 days ago, my great big, strong, GOOD, honest, decent, God-loving husband died. He was only 53 years old. My 12 year old daughter was with him, and after talking to her, the coroner decided it was a stroke. He was gone immediately, I was with him within 2 minutes and there was nothing that could be done. We are thankful that it was quick and that he didn't suffer.

 

We have a 12 year old daughter with learning difficulties, a 16 year old son who was just coming out of his shell and wanting to spend more time with his dad, 22 year old daughter who just got married last year and is expecting our first grandchild, and a 24 year old who has been planning her own wedding for Sep 26 and is now considering cancelling it.

 

My kids, especially older ones, are taking great care of me. My mom has moved in with me. This isn't the life I envisioned for myself and I am just lost.

[linda5]

Jodiwitz, I am so sorry you have to experience this awful pain.  It's hard, it's shocking, and I'm sure the pain consumes you night and day.  I just want you to know that we get it.  We've been there.  My wonderful, strong husband died suddenly of a pulmonary embolism at 57 two years ago.  I can tell you now that I wanted to die that whole first year.  My daughters (30, 24, and 20) pulled me through along with this site.  At two years out, I do find joy again in my life ... it's not the same, and this isn't what I wanted, but I finally do laugh again. 

 

Praying for peace and comfort for you and your family.

 

 

[swilson]

Welcome jodiwitz, I'm sorry you lost your husband. Lots of good advice posted here, early on the pain seemed never ending and consumed my mind, body and soul for many days. This site is a great blessing to me with so many folks who identify with most everything we are suffering. Look forward to hearing about the upcoming wedding, grandbaby and how you're getting along.

 

[Wheelerswife]

I'm sorry you had to join us...unfortunately, you do belong.  I hope you find that people here really understand what you are going through.  At this point, you are still in shock and trying to wrap your head around this reality.  The best advice right now...drink plenty of water, eat when you can, sleep when you can, take any help from anyone who offers.  Don't let anyone push you into decisions you aren't ready to make.  Come here, read what wisdom is here, ask anything you would like, vent away.

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen

[Jess]

Jodi, I am so glad you found us but so deeply sorry you needed to. I am also sorry to say you belong here. I wish no one belonged here. Please do read through this forum because there are a lot of wise words that have been shared. For those near your timeline, read the Newly Widowed section and you will probably nod along with a lot that has been shared. I have always looked ahead to the other sections so I know what to expect as my own time line progresses (I am at 10.5 months).

 

I also lost my husband unexpectedly and can say I hardly even remember day 8 now. It was such a strange fog of shock. If I could go back and tell my day 8 self anything, it would be there is no wrong way to process this nightmare and to give myself permission to feel whatever I needed to. Focus on your basic needs right now. Try to eat and drink a lot of water. Sleep when you can. Let people take care of you. I am wishing you peace and comfort.

[Virgo]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you find some comfort reading and sharing here.

[Baylee627]

Jodi, unfortunately, you do belong here. I am so downtrodden every time I see a new wid join our group. It's unfair and horrific to find yourself needing to reach out to a widows' support group. It's an alternate reality, and it's jolting.

 

I'm sorry for the abrupt and painful loss of your husband. Please feel free to post as often as you need to. You'll find empathy, support, concern, and even a bit of humor from the extraordinary people of this board.

 

Be as gentle on yourself as possible. Do only those tasks that are crucial; let everything else lie for the time being. Keep hydrated with plenty of water and juice--sobbing really robs your body of electrolytes it needs (not to mention, grief, itself, depletes you of every reserve of energy). Eat whatever feeds your soul. And engage in only activities you enjoy--even if it's only mildly, such as watching a movie.

 

These are the bits of advice handed down to me that I found useful, in addition to what posters have mentioned above.

 

Heartbroken for you, missy.

 

Baylee

 

 

 

 

 

 

[BrokenHeart2]

I'm so sorry Jodi, yes, it's the place none of of us wants to join but we do all help each other tremendously. Drink lots of water as crying is so dehydrating and come and post anything you need to get off your mind. We get it.

Gentle hugs to you

[lcoxwell]

I am so very, very sorry that you have a reason to be here, but I am glad you found us. The people here are good people, who provide support, advice, listening ears, and cyber hugs. Come here, whenever you feel the need. Feel free to post as often as you would like. Take one day, one hour, one minute at a time; because some days, that will be all you can do.

 

The most helpful advice that was given to me early on, was to just breathe. I cannot tell you how many people gave me that piece of advice. Everywhere I turned, someone was telling me to "just breathe", including a widowed coworker, who would ask me if I was remembering to breathe, every time we passed each other a work. At first, I thought that was a ridiculous piece of advice. For one thing, I wasn't sure I wanted to "just breathe", if breathing kept me alive and without my Kenneth. My next thought was that, obviously, I was "breathing", or else I wouldn't be here, talking, reading, posting, doing my job, etc. In my mind, that advice was not the advice I wanted to hear. What I wanted to hear was how to make the pain go away.

 

Here's what I found out, though. When the waves of grief come crashing down, when anxiety is overtaking me, and when I am overwhelmed with life, taking a moment to just breathe a few slow, deep, concentrated breaths, in which I was just focusing on breathing in and breathing out, helped bring a sense of calm. I found that having just a moment of calm could sometimes make all the difference in the world.

 

Anyway, I am sending you a great, big, cyber hug and hoping that being here will help you, just as much as it has helped me. This place, and these people, have helped me start to put the pieces of my life back together, for which I shall be eternally grateful. Hopefully, this place and these people can do the same for you.

[Trying]

I am so sorry for your sudden loss and my heart goes out to you and your children. There is nothing you can do in these early days of shock but grieve and let others take care of you.  Drink water and yes, breath.  Breath through the panic that inevitably sets in.  You have come to a wonderful site for support, with people who truly understand what you are going through and who will assure you that you are not going to lose your mind permanently.

 

There is so much practical and busy work that needs to be done in The beginning.  Enlist some help, have folders and lists and always a pad and pen when you speak to someone on the phone.  You will remember less than half of anything you are told so organization is important, find someone who can help with that. 

 

Again, I am so sorry but I hope you find this site a comfort, it has been my lifeline for the past 20 months.

[Brenda]

So sorry to have to meet you like this, jodiwitz.  You're most certainly in the right place.  Use us as the folks to whom you can say anything, no matter what.  Even those crazy thoughts that you just wish you could tell someone in "real life" but can't because they're too crazy - that's what we're here for.  You'll find no judgment here, no lack of empathy, nobody opening their mouths and saying stupid things to you at the wrong time.

 

Take care of your immediate needs.  That'll help you take care of your children.  We're here for whatever support you want, at whatever time you want.

 

Massive hug, and you're not alone.

[IfIonlycould]

I am sorry you have or any of us have a reason to be here. Take it one day, one hour, sometimes one minute at a time.  Accept help from people but only if it is the help YOU want.  Stay hydrated.  Remember that getting out of bed and showering can be considered a major accomplishment at this stage in your loss.  Come here often to read and post, it really does help to know you are not alone in this, you will find wids here with similar situations and wids who couldn't be further from your situation but we all share the one commonality...we are all just trying to find how to make our way in this new life. (((((HUGS))))

[SoVerySad]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband, jodiwitz. I understand feeling totally lost - everything changes in just a minute and it is so hard to wrap your head around. I'm so glad you have family to lean on for support. This forum has many wonderfully caring members who can offer you support as well, since we know how difficult losing a spouse/SO is.

 

Sending you a tight hug... 

[CJF]

As the others have said, I am so sorry you have reason to be here.  You will find support here that you may not find out side in the real world.  Being here helped me so much in those early days and I am sure you will find the same comfort here.  Big hugs and prayers to you and your children. 

[jlp]

I am so sorry you have had to join the club that no one wants to be a member of.  But the previous responses are spot on -- this is where you need to be.  Over the last (nearly) year, I have found this site to be more helpful than the two grief groups, grief counselor, or psychologist I've used.  We "get" it and the site is open 24/7.

 

There is no "right" way to grieve, but if you find yourself experiencing something you think might not be "normal," just ask:  pretty sure it is and most of us have experienced it.

 

I agree with all of the suggestions that have been given here and will only share the three things I've found most helpful:  be gentle with yourself (only do what you can and/or want to do); ask for help (not always easy to do); and stay focused on the present (looking beyond even a week can sometimes be overwhelming).

 

Glad your children are so supportive.  We're here for you, too.

[Catnip]

I'm so, so sorry for your loss.

My husband passed away suddenly too, from pulmonary embolisms, at age 51, the week before Christmas, 2006. My sons were 17, 20 and 22. I still have difficulty with Christmas in that it's supposed to be the birth of Christ not the death of my husband. But, my faith has helped me get thru these 8 years. It still sucks, however. It's a stupid, hard, depressing, unforgiving journey that we must all pass thru at our own speed.

Peace to you and your family,

~Catnip

[Jen]

((((Jodi)))) I am so, so sorry for the devastating loss of your precious husband. I can't add to the excellent advice already given-- just know you're not alone. My dh died very suddenly in April 2014, and I barely remember those first few months. The shock is overwhelming. Just breathe, sweetie, and talk to us. Every single one of us wishes otherwise, but... we get it.

 

more hugs,

 

Jen

[donswife]

My don also died suddenly like your husband

so hard to wrap your head and heart around the reality of it all

but right now you dont have to deal with anything but what you need to get through the day /minute

the first few months are a fog