Julester3

Not much different here, on the laptop in bed with the TV on and a dog accompanying me. Had a cat too but the fickle beast left!

There are grief support groups attached to the local hospital, the funeral home, some churches, and some private foundations in my area. I decided to choose the one recommended by the school because it's overall family support. We start as a large group together and then the kids break off in smaller groups by age and we parents get to sit together and get our own session. I find a lot of value and validation in my own thought processes and decisions when I go. I pretty much always feel that we are on the right path after we attend. The kids see that others may feel the same or different or simply realize that we do things well in our own way to cope with our loss. So I found value in group support. I am curious about attending a meetup group but it's a bit of a hike after working all day so my motivation to try wanes.

There is bravery in the sharing of words. I write a lot but I can't seem to share them. I hope I can one day but for now I keep them to myself and it gets me by. Sorry you are joining us here but know you have kindred spirits here. Hugs for you today.

I totally agree. You don't owe her any explanation. Kill her with kindness, "Thanks for sharing your opinion and story but I am also greatly attached to the microscope so I plan keep it. I know my husband would have preferred that I keep this safe and sound in his memory."

I have to wind myself down in order to sleep. I get into bed about an hour before I'd ideally like to be asleep. I read to tire out my eyes, crochet until it tires me out, or sometimes I look for a less than exciting show on tv and it puts me to sleep. It's been working mostly but I am a light sleeper so I wake up randomly.

Thinking of you today....hugs.

We sound like kindred spirits. I don't feel married anymore but I know I am forever bound to my husband. I too bought the adjoining plot and I put in a double marker for the both of us. He has his plaque and mine is empty. It gave me comfort we'd be guaranteed to be together again someday and it'd be one less thing for my girls to have to figure out.

I am sorry for your loss. Leave the cards until you are ready. I simply put them in a basket until I was ready. I didn't touch them for a month. I didn't get thank you cards out until 6 months after the funeral. Funny thing as I made them right away while I was home because it gave me pre-occupation but filling them out was painful and draining. I honestly think it's not a terrible idea to go back to work if it gives you a sense of some normalcy and peace and if you actually want to. I did not want to but we needed the health insurance and it was the easiest way I could provide that for my kids. Now work is just a distraction and an ends to a mean for me. Give yourself time, you do need time to deal with the heartache and understand how you are feeling/coping. Be patient. Hugs for you today. We all need hugs sometimes.

Oh man. That was just brutal - much of it. I am sorry this all transpired so quickly after your husband's passing and after having just had a baby too. Your landlady sucks for selling right under you and your father in-law is a jerk. It's one thing if you offered those items but they just helped themselves. I'd have been pissed off. Legally they are your items as his wife. Some insensitive things people say.... I hate the "you are so so strong" comment. Whatever! I do what I must. I also hate "but you are so young, your husband wouldn't want you to be alone." WTF do you know? He really had no intention to die young of a heart attack, thanks. Another one I get is "at least you don't have to deal with annoying male tendencies like football, beer and gaming." Um I have no problems with those things and would gladly deal if he were still alive. I also hate, "what are you going to do? You lost your only love!" Thanks for the reminder! I cannot waste away here. I have kids to raise and they are products of my love for Josh and worthy of my time and effort. If these people want to know what I do since I no longer have sex since losing my husband (not like I'd answer them anyways), well that's what a vibrator is for!

That is a good goal. I am not afraid to talk about my husband to anyone, especially my own kids. People tend to want to move on and not acknowledge the deceased but for me pretending they never existed is ridiculous. We like to play a game where we try to predict how Josh would have reacted for a certain situation or decision we make. Usually we feel we have him pegged spot on and we have learned to laugh on just how well we knew him. So when we have ice cream for dinner, what would Josh have done? Given us his famous single brow raise, not say a word, would grab a spoon, and joined us. It gives us a mental picture and in the end it's comforting like he's still a part of us.

You don't have to be a forum person to be here but you were brave to lay yourself open here and share your experience. We are here for you. We know how it feels and how you can't understand why this is happening because we have all experienced it. Hang in there. Hugs for you.

I got a memorial tattoo after my husband died, about 3 months after. I never felt the need to before then but was never against it. Now I always have him with me in our own mutual way that most people wouldn't understand. They don't need to as it's mine alone. I intend to get another when I can make the time.

So sorry for your loss. Don't worry about doing everything like your wife would have. Focus on a few things that give comfort to you and your kids. It will be enough. We have some dads here so hopefully they can impart some of their wisdom. I feel confident I'll be better some day so like you I have faith and I'm waiting for time to keep working for me.

Hugs for you today. I am sorry for your loss. My husband also died suddenly but at his tennis club after he had played. He too was healthy and this was a shock to be sure so I know how you feel. I don't think you are avoiding grief really but coping simply diverting your energy to the health of your baby. You need to reserve your strength for your baby so I think you are doing your best. Just cut yourself some slack and when you are ready and feel you can, you can grieve how you need to. I am sorry you will have to go through delivery alone. I cannot imagine it doing it alone. I hope you have family and friends who can support you. You will be in my thoughts.

Hugs Katie. Sorry for your loss. Yes, those with us with kids are fortunate because we can focus our attention and energy on them. We are here for you for anything you might need, to vent to us and us to simply listen. No one can understand what you are going through better than most of us.

You sounds very normal to me. I experience a lot of the same things and feel the same way. I function well but it's really just to suppress what I really feel most of the time and so all the sadness doesn't consume me. Hugs for you today. I'm at 9 months and it's not much easier still.

It really is hard. My marriage sounds similar to yours so it really feels like we are simply feeling incomplete - almost handicapped without our partners. It has helped me so far that we were both originally strong independent individuals before we dated. When we started dating, we became a team, great collaborators who were very complimentary and could talk about anything and everything. He really brought out the best in me. I now feel like a lessor version of myself without him. I look for that independent individual person I used to be but I don't know. It's been a long time since I was that person. Like I told my kids recently: life for me is like a radio. It may not be high def, digital, in stereo, or the best sound quality but still, I can hear the music. Glad to give the virtual hugs. It helps give courage and a little bit of strength.

Hugs!

Thanks Maureen for sharing your memory. Hugs for you today. It did make me smile because my husband and I dated through college and I would visit him once in the middle of the semester and at the end to pick him up to take him home. Yes, I do have fond dorm room bed memories too. I was thankful he switched to an apartment and queen sized bed junior year. I'm 5'5" but he was a tall guy at 6'2".

To one Julie from another, I am sorry you are joining us here. I agree with a lot of the advice. My husband died suddenly so I needed the autopsy for closure because the cause of death on the death certificate was inadequate for me. I too recommend passing on viewing the photos. You honestly don't need the added stress and trauma to look at them at this time. I think for me the pivotal point that really helped me move forward (not the same as moving on, I'm not even there) was accepting that this was a circumstance that could not be controlled and to simply accept it. Recognize you never have to like it and know that it was not only unfair but completely sucks. I also gather purpose from my own kids and making sure they know how much he loved them. Hugs and strength to you.

We go to a family group grief support program. We start together as a large group and have dinner and then we break up into smaller groups by age. It has been good for my girls and talking with other parents who happen to have boys have said it has helped because the kids get direct feedback and suggestions from their peers and it seems to take a better effect overall. There was a boy who was having anger and resentment issues and another boy told him that he had that problem too but he used sports to help him vent and it made him feel better, cope better. Stuff like that. We haven't tried one on one but I have felt that we haven't had the need to yet. I have resources should we need it later.

I thought I responded here but I don't see my post. The holidays left me a bit pre-occupied and distracted. I am so sorry about your wife. I do have to agree with you though, you know best for your kids. It sounds like your mom and some other females are trying to micro-manage you. I think you are doing a great job sticking to your guns and it sounds like you have a handle on what will work for you and your kids. I do think our need to take of our kids makes it easier on us while we grieve, somewhat silently in our heads. I think triggers are different for everyone. For me, they change from time to time so what may have had an effect on me a few months ago might not do anything to me now. I find music sets me off a lot but I can't drive in silence and music at work helps the time go by faster. The trick is to try to listen to things that won't trigger me. I also let the trigger run its course because it seems to lessen the next time when I let it out to begin with. Hugs for you today.

I honestly can't let go. I feel the need to hang on and I'm at 9 months. I've been gathering pictures so I can make scrapbook of just him. I plan to reprint pictures that are in other scrapbooks I've made to make his more well rounded and inclusive of everything. I look at pictures of him on my cell phone all the time and I have pictures all over the house and in my office at work. I saved 4 t-shirts from the laundry after he died and I put them in ziplock bags to preserve his smell. It was harder to do than you'd think. He played tennis regularly so I didn't want anything that smelled sweaty gross but his general smell as I remember it. I keep his deodorant and shaving cream in the bathroom because the smell combo reminds me of him as well. Other than our wedding video, I don't have much recordings of his voice sadly. I don't have any saved voicemails or anything but the other day I pulled out older DVD discs we took on our camcorder of our kids at various concerts, events, etc. and funny enough you can hear some of his commentary while he was recording. It was surprising and wonderful to hear. It made me smile. I started a journal where I can talk to him and can vent or work things out. I also started a different journal to chronicle our love story. I am stuck in the college years. It's sketchy since we had a long distance relationship. I am thinking of skipping around and then trying to fill in. I talked to a college buddy of his and he might be able to help me fill in gaps. He had a pretty decent memory.

Family guilt, I am familiar with it. Good for you for sticking to your guns!

I am so sorry about your loss. It is hard no matter the time of the year and you have been through so much at a crazy time of the year. I can't agree with Maureen more: stick with the basics, accept any help offered, learn to let some less important things go, and cut yourself some slack. You are allowed to be off - it is understandable to be distracted at work. I was quite distracted for over a month before I forced myself back into to a busy rhythm. I'd have bad days once in awhile but you do what you can. Be kind to yourself and be sure to give yourself some time and space sometimes. I know it's hard when you work and have kids. I have 2 teenaged girls and a few pets so we get busy as well. Another piece of advice I would give is do not be afraid to change your point of view to help you get through things - any thing. For example, I couldn't stand my husband's empty chair at our kitchen table or his empty side of the bed so my kids and I always changed seats so his chair was never empty when we ate meals in the kitchen and for a long while I slept on his side of the bed so I wouldn't have panic attacks when I reached out for him and he was not there. I also changed much of our traditions as we needed to help us get through them.