Who comes first? Kids or new spouse?

[serpico]

My fiancée and I have been having a lot of deep discussions lately as we plan our summer wedding. We both have kids (16, 15, 13, 12, and 9) and one constant theme has been some differences of opinion as to time spent with the kids versus with each other. I won't go into the details - yet - but I'd like to hear some thoughts as to how others have navigated or would navigate the question of who should be the priority - the new spouse or the kids?

[SoVerySad]

Serpico, Congratulations! This is coming from the perspective of someone just beginning to feel a tiny little bit of longing for another relationship, so no actual experience. One reason I think I've held off in even thinking about it is that I want my kids to be my main priority. They have already lost their father at such a young age. I feel the responsibility to be there fully for them and that trying to provide the support two parents would provide while finding enough of myself to give to another relationship seems incompatible to me. But that is based upon my own level of emotional stability and strength/energy right now. It is in short supply and for now, my kids get what I have.

 

I suspect one's opinion on this also comes from their experiences with their spouse. My husband and I had years together and then 10 years of infertility before adopting our kids. As such, in our marriage the kids came first and we both were happy to put them there. I'm just carrying out that approach already in place.

 

Best wishes to you...

[Jess]

I do not have children, but he has a daughter. I choose myself as lower priority so she is confident in their relationship and that I am an addition to the family and not a threat, but honestly there is seldom conflict in that area. It works for us, but I imagine there are other opinions out there.

[Trying]

This is a great topic, Serpico!  I am not yet officially engaged but that is our plan so I am facing similar questions.  The old me would say kids come first, period.  This was how DH and I lived and what I felt was right at the time.  We had 9 years of dating and marriage before kids to be each other's priority so it seemed that our relationship was secure enough to shift all focus to the kids.  In hind site, we should have had a better balance because our relationship suffered in many ways by not making each other top priority at certain times.

 

Fast forward to current relationship and we both started off saying "my kids are my top priority, take it or leave it".  And they have been, 90% of the time.  Easier for him because he shares custody so he has more free time where he doesn't have to divide attention.

 

Now that we are talking marriage my opinion is evolving.  We won't have 9 years of dating and marriage without kids to focus solely on each other, we didn't have 9 seconds, the kids were here first.  I am older and wiser and realize that a good relationship needs attention on a consistent basis and all of our children can benefit from seeing a relationship that is healthy and full.

 

So how do I balance that with parenting and providing my children with the love, attention and time they need? I'm not sure.  One thing I know I need to do is that what ever I am doing and whoever I am doing it with, I need to be fully present in that moment.  This is something I have struggled with since Tim died.

 

I look forward to reading others opinions and experiences, it's an important topic.

[daysofelijah]

Not married or engaged yet, but heading that way. We have 6 kids between us. He has always made it clear that he wants the kids to be our priority. So in the majority of things the kids will come first. Kid functions, activities, etc. always come first before we make plans to see each other. Makes it hard because especially with kids sports, church, etc sometimes we only get to see each other 2 times a week.

 

But also to some extent we put our relationship at a level of importance. I'm not afraid to leave the kids a couple evenings a week (oldest babysits) for a few hours to go on a date or go hang out as his house, just as he does the same. It's of course harder for me, because my kids are young and there is no "dad's weekends" to send them off on. BF is very understanding though and has never made it an issue.

 

I will say I do have a certain, small amount of feeling, not jealousy so much, but just a little "huh?" sometimes when he won't be able to stay or can't come over because he has to do something for his kid. Like his kid will all of a sudden want him to drive him somewhere like fishing or motorcycling with friends and BF always puts that first even if it means no time for us together. It doesn't happen a lot, but he does seem to spoil them a bit. But they are both older (almost 16 and 19). So I hold my tongue and know those things won't last long, and it's something I can deal with. I know better than to say anything to try to come between or disparage his relationship with his sons. And his kids and I get along just fine so there's no hard feelings really. He has his younger son full time, the oldest lives between him and his mom, but he will be getting an apartment this summer (yay!).

 

There's a lot of compromise with so many kids! Hard feelings at times will be hard to avoid, but it's good that you all are discussing it and aware that you need to work through how to deal with the issues that will come up.

[Sugarbell]

In a marriage the spouse comes first. That's easier with first marriages before kids....and much tougher with the second blending thing. But your spouse should come first (within reason)

 

This is why I enjoy being the girlfriend....and one of the many reasons I don't have a desire to remarry anytime soon. But I think for some people it can work and they can be successful!😊

Congrats!

[Guest TalksToAngels]

In a marridge or remarriage in this case, I don't think this should be in question.

You are getting married because you Love that person. There should be no first or second. The kids are a huge part. They should be integrated as being each important and they should be happy for you.

When I was dating and a woman said well my kids will always come first I ran like it was the plague.

That should never be in question.

You Love because you found in that partner essential characteristics to happiness.

That's basic to all relationships.

Just an opinion.

[Mizpah]

one constant theme has been some differences of opinion as to time spent with the kids versus with each other

 

The relationship between the adults is, according to some people (who knows which experts are to be believed anymore?!), the template upon which kids will model their ideas of relationships.  I want my daughter to feel like #1 to her life partner, and to seek that kind of relationship.  (My boyfriend is a traditional "kids come first" guy, so there's a bit of tension there and I guess I'm already failing at the whole teaching by example thing, sigh.)

 

But in terms of time, maybe a daytime is kids/family time, and evening/nighttime can be grownup time?  Sometimes.  I don't know.  It's so complicated. 

[Captains wife]

Great question and great to see and contemplate differing opinions. I believe it partly differs based on the age of the children. I have a soon to be 5 year old and he needs me more than an older child in certain ways. He is my priority in many respects but I also make time for my adult relationships.

 

I believe that happy parent = happy children and, for many, being in a healthy relationship is a key part of that (it is for me). However, in my last relationship I realized (only afterwards when I looked back) that for a while I was prioritizing my partner vs. my son as I was trying to build a relationship with him first and then blend the two worlds together. This failed for me and I learned valuable lessons from this.

 

I believe there should be a happy medium between a new partner and kids - in either a new marriage or in having a new partner. Although my son will come first in certain ways I think its very important to set aside time to spend with new guy alone as I am getting to know him. I also want him to know he is important in my life.

 

I am trying to blend the two worlds this time around as luckily our 2 sets of children are on the younger side and get along well - so I am lucky to be able to spend time with my new guy AND all our kids as well as having our solo date nights. Sure, my son would rather I be at home every night with him but I know I need my breaks and need adult time so I am currently setting time and dates apart where I can spend alone with new guy.

 

I am sure its different with a new spouse vs. a boyfriend but I feel like just prioritizing children could create problems down the road. Creating some sort of schedule in blending families is key I think - ie. make it known in advance that child A has to go to baseball on a certain night or there are certain day you want to spend with your kids but then (for example) Friday night is date (alone) night and try and commit to that plan. With your kids as older, maybe have nights where you two might have dinner alone and the kids can eat together ? Can you plan activities where all of you spend time together as well ? I feel like there can be a middle ground between new partners and kids but it requires a little compromising on all sides - and listening to what everyone needs too is important.

[MrsDan]

 

I am older and wiser and realize that a good relationship needs attention on a consistent basis and all of our children can benefit from seeing a relationship that is healthy and full.

 

 

Yes. I think the whole who comes first topic is based on a dichotomy that is neither constructive nor realistic. One thing I've really come to understand following Dan's death is that we are so fixated on the concept of dualism, and that concept is constricting and inaccurate. Things do not always fit within an either/or mold. I can experience two wildly conflicting emotions at the same time together. Things that seem oppositional can coexist, sometimes on the same footing , other times in balance.

 

It is a top priority to nurture my child and teach her to be the best human being she can be. Someone who is fulfilled, and I believe that a huge part of fulfillment comes from being able to have healthy loving relationships with others and being able to handle disappointment. I will never accomplish if I make her the center of the universe. She needs to learn that other people's feelings matter, including her mother's and the man her mother loves. My daughter would prefer it if I put her to bed every night. It's a disappointment to her to be put to be put to bed by a sitter once a week. I initially felt guilty but I now see the benefits. I get to spend time with someone who I love, he gets to spend time with me, DD learns to manage disappointment, and she gets a mother who is better a much  better parent and more enjoyable to be around.

 

The last point is worth noting because while there may be some parents who can put on a convincing show for their kids when they are miserable,  I am not one of them. I tried, and I just couldn't maintain the façade.

 

I also think it makes more sense to weigh the need, and the long term benefits of addressing said need, rather than who has the need. If DD's need is something trivial, and BF's is substantial, his need comes first. If it's pretty even, then I think BF and I would both agree that our respective kids come first. My BF is with his DD every other weekend. I understand that he is not going to be available for "us" time during those periods. That's a given. He understands that I can't just come over or go out whenever I want, that's another given. As a result, we typically see each other twice a week; he comes to my house once and I'll get a sitter and go out with him once a week. I think we would both rather see each other more but we both realize that's not really possible right now. So we do what we can, we talk every night on the phone, and he'll sometimes meet me at my work for lunch.

 

One final point. At some point your kids will grow up and have their own lives. I don't want my daughter to feel responsible for entertaining me, or keeping me company. I feel that is a tremendous burden to place on her. Not depending on her in that way is a huge gift to her.

[Neverthesame]

Hey Serpico,

 

I’m going to guess that your fiancée is the one concerned about time with the kids while you’re concerned about the time you spend with each other. That’s the way it went in the early days of my new relationship anyway.

 

My wife is a big family person; not only kids, but parents, aunts, uncles and cousins too. Her two kids were grown, but she had been widowed for 3 years so everything she had done during that time had revolved around her family. I had been widowed for 6 six years and my kids were almost grown (17, 19, & 22) but still lived at home……I was ready for some me time. This led to numerous discussions about how we would divide up our time.

 

In the end I guess we compromised. We do a lot of things with family but we still make time to get away on our own every 2-3 months, just for a long weekend if nothing else. The kids that you mentioned are younger, so I understand that they’ll require more of your time than our kids did (at least for a few more years).

 

Just wanted to let you know that we had the same kind of discussions, but in the end it just kind of worked itself out.

 

Oh, and to answer your question “who should be the priority - the new spouse or the kids?”, that worked itself out to. In the early going I had some real concerns about how I would “rank” so to speak. After almost 3 years I have no doubt that I come first. Of course if one our kids needs something we put our stuff on hold and help them out…..together.

 

Bill

 

PS: Congratulations to the two of you.

 

[Mrskro]

I don't think either should necessarily come first.  I like to think of it as a sliding scale.  Sometimes one or the other will be the priority. 

 

My DS plays rugby, his games will almost always take priority, his practices not so much. His coach is a family friend, they live a block away he takes him to practices.

My DD wanting me to give up a Friday night date night so she doesn't have to stay home and babysit....sometimes.  If she's just going to sit at home anyway....

 

When everyone wanted me to pack up and move back home (3 hours away) when DH passed away, the kids definitely came first.  They are thriving where we are, they have great friends, great lives.  I won't uproot them.  I'm lucky they are a bit older and I'm ok with staying here for a few years until they go off to University. 

 

My could be NG gets that, he has a daughter too, and won't move for the same reason.  But then again we are just could be right now.  We make it work.  We would probably already be more if not for the long distance.

 

And sometimes, I get to be a priority, send everyone out of the house, turn of the phone and take a bubble bath and read a book.

 

Honestly, this was how my marriage was anyway.  I think it's important for everyone's needs to be met.  And it's sometimes a complete juggling act.

 

For me, there is a balance between my kids knowing I will drop everything if they need me and I will always be at their beck and call.  (I'm not sure I worded that right). 

 

I was having this discussion with a newly separated friend.  They are struggling not seeing their kids every day.  And I get that, I do.  But I'm on the other end, I need time away from them. (is it wrong I'm sometimes jealous of their weekends off?)  I think everyone does.  That balance between their needs and ours. 

 

 

[Guest TalksToAngels]

The situations we all face are similar and yet as different as a fingerprint.

I can't help but live by "if it makes you (me) happy.

 

A saying:

 

"People are usually as happy as they make their minds up, to be"...

Abe Lincoln..

             

[Portside]

. .  who should be the priority - the new spouse or the kids?

 

What a great question!

 

I don’t view it an either/or type proposition. I’d like to approach it from an odd angle. Bear with me – believe it or not, I’ll circle around to your original question.

 

With (soon to be) five children, all of whom will have unique abilities, needs, strengths and weaknesses, should any one of them come first?

 

I think we can agree that - No, all should always be treated as fairly as possible with the understanding that due to the unique makeup of each child, any one of them will occasionally need more attention, discipline, hand-holding or freedom so that the child, and therefore the family, remains healthy and well-balanced. When that child needs, and is provided with, extra attention, are you placing him/her above all the others? In a small sense, yes. But at the same time, no.  You are providing the extra succor to the child that requires it now. It may be seen as a negative from the point of view of the other kids, but the adults know it is for the best as the child, and therefore the family, will gain overall in the end.

 

Similarly, your intended will need some extra Randy now and then and it may conflict with what the kids want. You’ll have to chose and say “No” to someone. Your soon to be wife will also have to make the same decisions.

 

You will wear many hats within the new family: man, husband, father, step-father (however you define it), fixer of broken things, and miracle worker – your wife, of course, has similar roles on her side. For the remained of your lives you both will be called upon to supply judgment and wisdom when confronted by competing needs.   

 

I don’t view anyone’s life together as a situation where there are only two spots available in a lifeboat for a group of three (you, your fiancé and the kids) where it’s wife vs. kids as ‘first’ (or you for that matter). No one needs pushed out or sacrificed for the greater good.

 

I’m confident you and your lovely wife will choose wisely when called upon and find the balance necessary to build a strong, healthy family.

 

Congratulations!! Mike

 

[serpico]

Lots of good thoughts on this thread - thank you!  I think our 'conflict' is more a case of semantics than anything.  She thinks we need to be each others' first priorities and I'm more inclined to say that it's situational, but everyone should be a priority in our new family.  I gave her the example of her choosing to go to her daughter's soccer tournament a few weekends ago.  I had no problem with her doing this, even though it meant we didn't see each other much that particular weekend.  I pointed out that I didn't see it as her putting her daughter before me in general, just in that particular case.

 

I didn't want to give specifics up front because I'm not trying to 'build my case', just trying to get different points of view.  I think we're going to be fine once we're married, as we'll be seeing each other a lot more than we are now.

[klim]

Happiness comes first!

I'm not sure if this a how to blend two families question or how to live life question?

 

There are families where everyone does everything together. There are families where the adults need to take one night a week and one holiday every year without children. It kinda depends on where you get your pleasure. The opera is not necessarily good for 6 yr olds but kids love camping.

 

If this is a more question of competing needs eg son is having trouble with buds at school, your day at work didn't go so well. Maturity says that  you probably have more coping skills. Kids come first.

 

 

I think in general I 'm a kids come first supporter because they are still developing. It doesn't mean they have veto power , it doesn't mean partner is second , it means a balanced will be reached, but kids because of there vulnerable development stage  their needs have to be considered. 

[soloact]

The spouse IMHO. When we put our spouse first we are sensitive to people and things that are important to them. The kids are in a good position when spouses are considerate of each other and by extension the kids.

 

 

[DonnaP]

I would agree that there are no absolutes. Sometimes, it is necessary to put the children's needs first. Other times, you absolutely need to focus on your relationship and put each other first. If it's all one and not the other, something will suffer. I remarried a widower and we both brought children into the equation. We have talked about how to manage/juggle the various needs of all people in our blended family. It just comes down to weighing whose needs are the most important at any given time.

 

I'm sure there are times when we manage our juggling act well; and other times when we fall short. But we try to do our best to make sure everyone in the equation feels they are important in our lives.

 

Good luck! It's no easy task.

DonnaP

[MissinGrizz]

I went into my marriage saying, kids first, always. Two years later, I realized that this doesn't send a good message and alter it as best as I can.

 

We have three teens (me two, him one, all with us full-time). My kids are very active with year-round sports, while his is a homebody,  so I do neglect my husband by making getting them to their sporting events a priority. If that's what you mean by come first, then tough. They are kids, and they are only kids for so long. If he wants to be with me, he should come along. He sometimes chooses to, sometimes doesn't. That may sound harsh, but I'm not telling them they can't participate in sports because I need to babysit an adult. Honestly, I felt it to be a bit whiny when he complained about how much time I spent dropping and picking them up at first, especially since I made it clear even when we were dating.

 

Of course, as he grew to love our family, he now encourages their sports, attends, etc., and so it's not a big deal. It was just hard at first.

 

My oldest recently got a car, which has helped a ton. Sometimes he can pick the other up, and I've learned I don't have to go to EVERY game. I also have learned to say no to extra things sometimes. My daughter doesn't need to go to a dance every Friday after track. I let her pick and choose or get someone to drive one week and I do another.

 

One thing I do, however, is make sure my spouse comes first in other ways.  First of all, I make sure the kids know that time alone with my spouse as well as blended time is important. Before making any plans besides sports (which I have no control over the schedule), I always check with him first, making sure we have no other plans or desire for plans. We go on at least one date per week, even if it is getting a quick drink between events for an hour alone, and we always text each other, kiss each other goodbye or wake each other up, etc. when we aren't together.

 

Also, we do our best to never take sides against the other with our kids if we can. We both have failed at that here and there, but we know we are wrong when we do and do our best to have solidarity or discuss such things privately.

 

In a few years, it'll be just the two of us. It's important to realize that while we don't want to short-change our kids, we don't want self-entitled kids. We also don't want to be alone when they are gone. There has to be a happy medium.

 

Since I'm the one with the busy kids, I also make up for it in other ways to make my spouse feel appreciated. I think he's the only husband on the block with his own massage table, which I use to help him relax at least once per week, often more. Both of us are sure to get each other small little trinkets (a flower, a treat, nothing commercial) to show our love, and we do so in front of the kids a lot so that they see that nurturing a relationship is important.

 

It's all about balance, I think.

 

Good luck. The first year was hard, but it's been uphill since with just a few slips here and there.

 

[Melbar]

Along the lines of what I believe you already said, I am going with "both."

 

Kids events that you want to attend, sports etc. that you want to get them involved in, their physical needs, spending some alone time with them when possible... that is really all you need to do as far as putting them first.  You do those things, and you'll have secure kids that know you love them.

 

But you do have to say no sometimes in lieu of your spouse's emotional needs, otherwise you're going to have a very resentful spouse who may be too nice to let you know they resent it, but will resent it nonetheless and that is not how the one you CHOSE to be with should ever feel.  So if you have a particularly clingy kid that wants you to leave your own bed to come get into theirs, or if your spouse needs a break from the kids and you don't want to inconvenience their schedule or say no to them to give you and your spouse some much-needed adult time, then that is not the right choice, IMO.  Kids need to be told no sometimes and see the parents choosing each other so they will do the same for their spouse one day. 

 

It is the trickle-down effect.  If you and your spouse are happy with each other, your kids will be happier and feel more secure.  And as we all know, our spouse could be gone in a matter of months or even minutes... so don't wait until "the kids are grown" to make them feel like they are numero uno. 

 

 

 

[Taurus]

No contest...our girls come first.

[Trying]

This thread has really sparked some soul searching for me.  I have been struggling with everyone feeling as if they are not a priority.  Part of it has been that I was in school all year and that took time away from everyone.  Part of it is my kids still having difficulty adjusting to the idea of mom and another man.  Then there is my boyfriend whose incredible patience is starting to wear thin.  He understands why I am slow to take the next step because my kids are just starting to come around but he wants to be married and together.  His kids are younger and very happy with me and my kids so he sees it as all positive for them. 

 

Now that my schooling is over I am really going to focus on being more present in all of my relationships.  Slowing down, focusing my attention on the moment and the one I am with.

[Mrskro]

more present in all of my relationships

This really struck me.    I could stand to do a little more of this as well. 

 

Good luck!

[anniegirl]

It's situational. Ebb. Flow.

 

Age of kids dictates a bit. Level of need.

 

It's not a contest.

 

The kids grow up and build lives of their own though so it's important to remember that it will be just you and spouse someday. Nurturing that relationship has to be a priority or why bother to marry?

[Taurus]

It's situational. Ebb. Flow.

 

Age of kids dictates a bit. Level of need.

 

It's not a contest.

 

The kids grow up and build lives of their own though so it's important to remember that it will be just you and spouse someday. Nurturing that relationship has to be a priority or why bother to marry?

 

Different strokes for different folks. I can never envisage a time when my need for a "spouse" or a relationship would over-ride my desire to take care of our girls. But then again, being alone does not hold any fears for me.