Carey

LMAO...OH that gave me the best laugh today. Under-supervised. I'll have to remember that.

absolutely beautiful.

I finally did what I've always said I'd never do. Went to walmart in PJ bottoms, a tee shirt and flip flops. Oh and wet hair. OY!

So sorry about your baby. Our pets are family and it is never easy to say goodbye. I guess we are all seeing that there are no "stages", no "progression" and that there are just going to be times where it just plain hurts However I would like to congratulate you on the job and wish you much luck with the move. Letting go sucks.

Fuck that I managed to keep my camera equipment out of the pawn shop a whole two weeks, has to go back today. Fuck my daughter that thinks because her daddy is dead and her aunt is the principal that she is above the rules at school and I have my sister constantly on my ass because of it. Fuck that my baby girl is graduating in a few months and he won't be here. And to piggy back off Jen, Fuck my defeatist attitude bah............

Personally I'd keep that stuff forever.

Congratulations!!!

Read the thread title ... I didn't say "all". I'm not trying to generalize. Trying to decide if its ME that's the problem.

"Sometimes I can't help it, I do it anyway. " oh pictures I'm a bit of a photographer and was never far from a camera for our whole married life. The photos hurt sooooooooo bad but I'm compelled to look anyway. Or read emails and letters. Or HIS playlist. This is something I've wanted to talk about here for awhile but I keep forgetting to bring it up. My best friend says it drives him crazy when I do this. He's forever asking me, why do I do that to myself. It's gotten to the point, he used to be my go-to person when I was struggling with Chad's loss. Now I don't mention it, which is sad, because he's not a DGI. He has been my rock for this whole thing. But I feel ashamed for what it seems to be intentionally hurting myself reminiscing. Does that make any sense? So even though he says vent away and I can always come to him, I feel myself holding back now.

I would love to see the picture. I'm so sorry that even at a cemetery there's gonna be people with no couth I'm overweight and I am my own worst critic, but it definitely stings when people say things like that, moreso when it comes from someone we consider a friend

I'm at work and it won't let me register or log in with facebook so I can't comment now but I will when I get home. OMG the nerve of some people, reading those comments has made my blood boil. I am so sorry ya'll are having to deal with that. I enjoyed the article, I admire your wife for ALL that she did, including finding new happiness with you.

Ok. Dating sites. UGH. I am trying to give some of these guys the benefit of the doubt. I tell myself that men are just more sexually driven and maybe that's all they know, they connect on a more physical level and talking about sex may be their idea of flirting, or whatever. I try to remember that Chad talked a LOT about sex on the phone before we actually met in person and I went ahead and married HIM lol. But really ...what is with the guys whose profiles read like a fairy tale and then when they start talking to you it's all about the booty? This one guy said in his profile that he wants a relationship, that he doesn't like fwb's. Then when we're talking EVERYTHING is sexual innuendo. He texted me this morning, "good morning how are you?" ... I said sleepy , he said frisky. I laughed, tried to blow it off with a "lol". Then it's "What would it take to get you that way?" I said I honestly didn't know. He comes back with a description of how good he is with his fingers. This after I spent an hour last night trying to convey that while I love sex and I'm no prude, with someone I have never actually met in person I tend to be a little more reserved. He quit talking for awhile then I noticed he was online on POF so I teasingly said "You find that piece of tail yet?". He laughed, said no he gave up. I came right out and told him, Dude you need to change your approach. THEN it's "well I haven't even looked past you. I wanted to meet you". SO I had that awww moment, which is the only reason I talked to him this morning. I guess what I'm asking is, is it me and I should cut him/them some slack and quit expecting fairy tale life? Chad himself was that way so then I just wonder maybe if I give them a chance and meet in person that they'll show more of an actual personality. Am I being overly picky?

what a beautiful story. Gave me goosebumps. It's still your anniversary, that's yours forever, so happy anniversary. Enjoy that sweet special memory today.

There was a lot of breakfast going around last night wasn't there lol. I had breakfast casserole and bacon. Because the meltdown of my dd dying and frying her hair and having to take her senior pictures yesterday was about all I could handle in one day.

I take diphenhydramine which is basically just Benadryl. Have to take a pretty high dose of it, but they SAY it's not habit forming. But when I don't take it I don't sleep like at all. Some people swear you have to turn off the TV etc. to sleep but I find I HAVE to keep it on. If someone were to come in and turn it off I'd sit right up wide awake. But I do put it on something boring or a rerun of something I've already seen so it doesn't engage me too much.

I was forced to move less than 2 months after he died. Chad really was not a very material person and just didn't have a lot of "stuff". I packed up a box of his stuff from high school and all the years before he met me, sort of with the intention to send to my MIL but have yet to do it. I have a 16 year old son so all the tools and yard stuff went to him. I kept all of his tee shirts, my daughter and I love to wear them. Then about 3 1/2 months after he died his boxes of his belongings came back from Saudi Arabia. I had salt from Saudi for almost a year lol ... not to mention the 25 lb. bag of sugar. His clothes that were in those boxes are in a box in the shed. I gave his CPAP machine to my brother who needed one desperately. That was hard, because that was a contributing factor to Chad's death. I'm a very firm believer in treatment for OSA and my brother would have never been able to afford one. Other than that ... all photos and stuff remain the same. My son has his cell phone. I had to get a new one so I lost all our texts Lost all of our Skype messages too, which hurt. I'm seeing that even though this month makes 18 months I'm nowhere near ready to let go.

One would hope your siblings would be able to see that given what you've been through, being the automatic go to person in this situation would be devastating to you. I am so sorry that you're losing your mother. There aren't adequate words.

The funny thing is, my sister is her principal. But it's a different kind of school. Its an early middle college high school and they are a SMALL school on a much larger college campus so they don't have a lot of the programs or funding that other high schools do. They don't even have an assistant principal. My sister is the one that found a benefactor for her cap and gown and tassel. I'm a pretty good photographer so I'm going to do her senior pics this weekend and THEN put my poor baby back in the pawn shop lol. And yes, the only thing she has really asked for is a beach trip so we are going to do that the weekend after graduation. I can't believe they are having graduation on memorial day weekend. It's messing up a long held family tradition of ours, but in a way it is a blessing. The next week I will have SS and will be able to afford a beach weekend. I just feel bad about the whole "senior experience' and I feel like I've let her down. AND...even though she is walking this year, her school has what's called a "super senior" year. It's a 5th year of being considered a high school student, but you take college classes and all expenses are paid. So she technically can still get the prom experience, next year. Hopefully things will be better by then. I almost wish her graduation walk was next year too. I hope to be on more secure ground then. She tells me she understands and she tells me that she knows money is tough right now and she's not being ungrateful or bitching about not having things. I guess I just remember what my senior year was like and I just wanted to be able to do that for her too, my only daughter.

auto pilot ... i.e. shock can be your comforter right now. Let it insulate you. That's really all you can do. It'll change with time, some for the worse some for the better. You're not alone, come here and spill or vent or cry all you need to.

If it was just a spot for just Chad, I could do it easier. But for some reason, when I am there, I feel EVERYONES pain it seems. I can't just tend to his and leave. I end up tidying up, fixing flowers, placing new flowers that I bring extras, leaving pennies. I think part of what gets me so much is that it is a military cemetery, and many of those people's families are not local and a lot of the graves look "unloved". In a way, I appreciate the national cemeteries that don't allow individual flowers. That way they all look the same; unless it's a patriotic holiday or Christmas and there again, everyone has the same. I know it's a little ridiculous but I don't want Chad to look "unloved". Silly I know. So the times I have been (only 3) turned into hours and hours long and draining emotionally.

I just feel the need to print this entire thread and keep it with me to read over and over ... we really are some very intelligent well-spoken thoughtful people around here you know that? Lol

I almost lost it when I got a new work computer. I spent hours furiously printing emails. But now they're not here to just read whenever I needed him. I totally understand. Feels like the ache will never go away

I'm so sorry you had a miserable day yesterday. Those days are always intensely painful and hard to get through. it's true, no one will feel the loss as acutely and as DAILY as a spouse. Those people Im sure didn't intend to forget or not acknowledge, it's just not such a HUGE hole in their lives as it is yours. JeanGenie made a good point also, it may not be that they didn't remember but they thought bringing it up to you would hurt. It's too bad we cant just spend all our sadiversaries with each other.

I have to believe that people are not intentionally that dense. It's just that this is an unfathomable thing to them so they compare it with what they know ... and they miss the mark every single time. Every now and then I still run into someone who knew Chad who doesn't know he died and you're right, the retelling is hell. Makes it fresh to us all over again. I'm at almost that exact time frame myself, my husband died on 11/23/13. Im glad you found this board. You can always feel free to express yourself here, as bad as it is that we have reason to be here, it's a lifeline to have this safe place where you know, at least here, these people DO get it.

I'm feeling like I could quite possibly be the worst parent on the planet. My 17 year old daughter is a Senior. She missed prom last weekend. She told me it was because she just didn't feel like going, but I know its because I couldn't afford for her to go. The tickets alone would have been $90, not counting a dress, etc. I couldn't afford announcements or a class ring. I got lucky that someone donated a cap/gown/tassel for her. I also couldn't buy her senior portraits. I managed to get my camera out of the pawn shop last week and I'm going to do those myself this weekend before I have to put it back in, but that also means I won't have it for the actual graduation ceremony. Graduation is a measly 5 days before my Social Security nightmare will finally be fixed and I would have had a little extra to do some of this stuff. As it is, I'll be lucky to get her lunch bill paid off so they will let her walk. It's so unfair to her!! I am so upset with myself and even a little with Chad for it being like this. My oldest son graduated in 2009 and he had the party, the announcements, a laptop computer from us as a gift, the pictures, the works and she knows it. And it makes me physically sick that I can't do for her what she deserves and mad at him all over again because he should be here for it damnit! He should be here helping me get ready, planning a party for her. My brain is cut down the middle; I KNOW that alcoholism is a disease and he was as much a victim as me and the kids. But there's still that huge part that screams, Why was drinking so much more important than us? Why could you not tell it no? I feel like we didn't matter enough. I just want to scream. I can take the crap that's thrown my way most of the time and the money issues have been a constant worry every day for the last 17 months. But she doesn't deserve this. She deserves a special graduation day, it's a big moment for her and it will already be bittersweet without her dad. Me not being able to make it right for her will only enhance his absence. I wonder if the anger will ever fully go away?