Bunny

How about a podcast to listen to while you enjoy a few beers? It's been a while since I heard this episode, but I do recall the judge waxing poetic about everyone having manual driving skills... http://www.maximumfun.org/judge-john-hodgman/judge-john-hodgman-episode-52-stick-shift-rift

Man, those unexpected grief curveballs can be such a bitch; one minute you're feeling fine and dandy, then the next you're sobbing 'til you can't breath. I'm grateful they don't leave as much of a 'hangover' now as they used to. As for the anger issues- I can certainly relate also! I consider it ironic that widowhood has unleashed so much fury in my heart since that was really the only issue in my marriage that brought me unhappiness- dh's horrid temper. I'm thankful it's been slowly burning down to more manageable levels over this past year. Let us know how your doctor visit goes, please.

Yeah, I bet he'll deal with it. Sorry, I guess I'm just cynical that your bf will ever be capable of being a united front With You in regards to the children. He tells you you are sensitive to criticism, but how is he? Does he accept constructive criticism about his own children or parenting style? From the little you've shared it seems he's more about explaining why your thinking is wrong and you need to learn a thing or two from him and his son. While I agree in theory we should always be open to learning new things or ways of thinking, it's gotta be a two-way street; otherwise, it's just a lecture. And how fun is that? Is your bf like this in all aspects or just parenting? Maybe being a single parent has him more sensitive on the subject- as well as you, perhaps? I imagine after doing it alone for so long it can feel uncomfortable for you give up any control. As for your son coming to you when his son said no...It seems your bf views this as 'tattling', but what about the advice of successive people to 'never take no for an answer'? It's true that Life is full on No's, but is one supposed to just always accept that answer each and every time? Isn't Life about learning when to gracefully accept No and when to push the envelope? I think dealing with an obnoxious 15 year old is a good enough time to push back.

Childless here, but I was once a child myself! My mom was raised by a mother who relied very heavily on her many children to get things done around the house- 'what do you think I had kids for?' was her given reason. She was also quite taken with the whole spare the rod spoil the child school of discipline. (I do understand many people consider this style of parenting to be simply Old-School.) Consequently, my mom disciplined without ever physically touching me and gave out fewer chores because she figured I should get to enjoy being a kid - afterall, I would soon enough have a lifetime of adulthood that would be filled with endless amounts of chores. Some people would say she spoiled me, but because she treated me with respect I gave it right back and was a good kid to my parents. My relationship with her now is Miles Better than the one she shared with her own mom as two adults. I would most likely be highly irritated to get parenting advice from a 15 year old- though I do understand teenagers are prone to obnoxious behavior. But I woulda been super irritated that bf not only found it okay for his child to lecture his girlfriend, but backed him up on those lectures. Seriously, dude?! I get that the kid has had a hard knocks life, but he needs to be sat down and explained things like tact and respect and boundaries. Otherwise, he will find himself not always well-received by others throughout his adult life. (Now, I admit I'm probably over-reacting on this part, but it just feels like two men trying to 'help the poor clueless widow' with how to raise her boy to turn him into a proper man. They BOTH need to learn that you catch a lot more flies with honey than with vinegar...)

Im so sorry you have lost your love so very very young...and yeah, relatives can be horrible- everyone handles grief differently, but it sucks when they try to put it all on the spouse- especially brutal when one is feeling at their weakest. Try your best to not take it personally as it really is nothing to do with you- it's their issues ultimately. You don't have to give them anything you don't want to- ignore their guilt tripping. Just concentrate on you and your babies. The pain becomes softer and more manageable with time, but it usually takes a lot longer than we would like.

I got off of Facebook right before my husband died, but the reaction of friends and family whenever first meeting or hearing about my bf was off-the-charts. I think they were just so happy I was feeling something other than grief 24/7. The one that affected me most was my dad- the look of absolute relief on his face was heart-breaking. Maybe it was because I'd only been widowed two years, but it all felt kinda awkward at first because I guess I felt they would think I didn't really love my husband as much as they thought I did now that I had found this 'replacement' person. For the most part, it definitely took more time for me than them to adjust to socializing on the arm of another man. (May be why I found it easier to mostly hang out with his friends that first year or so) We've been dating 2 1/2 years and recently went to the wedding of friends of mine and my husband's and it was the first time I'd felt so relaxed about it. Congrats on the status change

I just read an essay a couple weeks ago about one woman's experience at a cuddling event: https://www.nytimes.com/2016/12/30/fashion/modern-love-this-year-more-cuddling.html?_r=0

I have a stack of books I really wanna read, but just can't manage to get very far- not even with the collections of short stories! Though, widowhood has renewed my love of poetry. For now, I'm at least able to read magazines again. i feel I need to start pushing myself to re-learn some concentration skills, but passive entertainment is just easier. And yeah- being around people, even when I want to, tires me out. But then, I've always been a social introvert. I love Snap Judgement! I like the story telling shows: The Moth and Risk (warning: that one is VERY racy!) Savage Lovecast and Dear Sugar give interesting relationship advice. Longest Shortest time is about parenthood but is also entertaining for this childless one. Love + Radio, This American Life, The Memory Palace (lovely history vignettes), Modern Love, reckoning, The Truth, Strangers, mortified podcast (people reading their childhood journals), judge john hodgman (fun and silly 'court' cases), death, sex, and money...I could go on and on...

After my husband died, I discovered podcasts. They helped to fill the silence of my empty home and required much less attention span/ brain power than reading. The only reading I could really manage those first couple years was the ywbb and then widda. Listening to music was often too painful. But listening to strangers hold conversations that I did not have to participate in was a relief, comforting. And -much of the time- sooooo much easier to manage than socializing with actual people. I chose things that made me laugh or cry. I listened to topics I could relate to most personally, and things far removed from my life or interests- just depended on what I needed that day, that hour, that minute. My husband was such a large presence- electric- when he walked into a room you knew it (this could be both good and bad ), and he was very social- there were always people around our home, mostly men- so I found myself more drawn to the voices of the male hosts in the beginning. His absence was so incredibly loud- they helped to drown out that horrible, noisy, silence. Over the years, my tastes and needs have changed, and I don't listen to them nearly as much now. But I highly recommend seeking them out to anyone feeling lonely but not in the mood for actual human interaction. I just discoverer a new one today. It's called 'terrible, thanks for asking' and is hosted by a young widow, though widowhood is not always the subject. I've only listened to a few and it's a fairly new one so not many episodes, but so far I'm really liking it. https://www.apmpodcasts.org/ttfa/ If anyone is interested, I can recommend others- and I welcome people adding any favorites of their own. The winter months are hard on me, I tend to go inward and isolate, so I'm noticing an uptick in my listening as of late. Can't wait until it's time to garden again... Peace to all in this New Year

This is a good thread for me to read, as I'm probably closer in feeling to your boyfriend within my own relationship. I'm totally committed to bf emotionally and physically, but uninterested in marriage. It's been 2 1/2 years and I love where we are, am perfectly content. He's made it very clear he wants to get married- he's an over 50 bachelor so I honestly didn't think this would ever be a problem I'd have to face. I'm beginning to understand why men get married when their girlfriends give them ultimatums- even though I'm not interested/ready, I'd do it to make him happy, especially since he's never been married. For now, knowing how I feel, he tells me I am the one who will have to do the proposing. He makes 'when we're married...' kinda statements- always in a light-hearted manner, but how long can a person be patient? You ladies are making me think I need to figure things out sooner rather than later...(yikes!) Thank you all for the food for thought.

I guess I'm just jaded as I've been dealing with the general bad behavior of men for almost 4 decades now (thankfully- with age- I'm slowly becoming more and more 'invisible' to them). It's just such a pain for women to have to deal with. Tiring. And sometimes it can be scary/intimidating. Despite all the bad experiences, I do still like men, I've always had close male friends, and I appreciate their simplicity, but damn they can be boundary-over-stepping jerks (to put it very, very, nicely). I've gone out with people 10 years older and 17 years younger- But no, I don't think someone in their 60s should hit on someone in their 30s so heavily. Honestly, it makes me think about when I was 16 and one of my dad's friends kissed me- total surprise for me, never saw it coming- then he blamed me for it happening when he saw how freaked out I was that he'd done it.

Ah men...I suppose I kinda admire them for having the egos big enough to pursue women who are entirely age inappropriate --both on the older and younger side-- but it sure can be a big ol' pain to deal with, yes? Sorry he put you in an awkward position, sucks.

I definitely have regrets about how I've handled some things. I am a person prone to guilt and rumination, so if I'm not careful I can let my mind spin out of control. Lately though, whenever I see myself going into that downward spiral, I repeat the mantra 'know better, do better' and then try to redirect my thoughts. I can't change the past, all I can do is let it help to inform me on making better choices in future. its definitely a work in progress.

It sounds to me like you are itching for some big changes in your life- and that living in this new city has many positives that have nothing to do with NG. I get wanting to break free from some place or thing that suited you perfectly in your old life but now feels...confining. And sometimes we need a little push to do things we might be too cautious to do otherwise- sometimes love can be that push. Plus, if you're feeling serious about him, it makes sense to me to move closer so you two can spend more time together before even considering committing to something as serious as marriage.

People can be incredibly pissy with those they love and trust, especially when they know that person loves and trusts them right back. It's just one of those quirks of human nature- no matter what age. I remember on more than one occasion, when my husband would be in a foul mood (and it was affecting his behavior towards me) I'd request; 'could you please just treat me like a stranger right now?' It got the point across. So, apparently, there's no better way to say 'I love and trust you' than to show someone your less than stellar self and expect them to love you anyway.

From Euf, posted on the ywbb: 'Today is the day where all things are measured from. There is before Jim died and after Jim died. There is the mounting irritability and tears just below the surface as August 28 draws near. There's the sigh of relief when this day is over. This is my New Year's Eve. Tomorrow begins another year. A fresh start. A year full of possibilities. I think of Jim always. He just sort of lives in my mind. Not intrusive, but always nearby, ready for me to tell him something, or smiling with me at a shared memory. But it is not the real Jim. It is some image of Jim that I can carry round with me and take out and talk to. I guess he is like an imaginary friend. My imaginary friend, Jim, is someone to talk to that shares the same past. The real Jim is kept in another place in my heart and I don't let him out very often. The loss of the real Jim is not something I can face day after day. At least not while I am trying to rebuild a life. The real Jim was so much more wonderful than the one that lives in my mind. The loss of the real Jim can still feel like being punched in the stomach. When I remember the real Jim, I fall on the floor and can't breathe. So I have this pretend Jim that keeps me company. This pretend Jim that is one dimensional. A pretend Jim is better than no Jim. But on this one day each year, I looked him in the eye and say: "yes, I see you. I remember who you really were. I remember who I was. I know you. I still love you."

It's his birthday. The fifth one without him here. How is that possible? Time continues to expand and contract without rhyme or reason- I've stopped trying to make sense of it. I celebrate each year by giving his grandma a call. Some day I hope I can look back with happiness and truly celebrate the day of his birth, but for now I'm still just so sad about it. I realize on days like today just how tightly I keep him, the real him, locked up inside my heart. Euf wrote something very beautiful about this and her husband, Jim. I have it up in my pantry and the longer I'm widowed, the more sense it makes to me. Maybe I'll copy it here for everyone else to read- I hope she won't mind. It really does explain widowhood better than any words I can come up with. For now, I will share with you our song. For whatever reason, it's an obscure rockabilly tune. Feel free to share your own 'our song'-s with me so I have a play list tonight while I'm drinking wine, looking up at the moon, and remembering my husband. Happy 51st Birthday, Papa

I felt this way for a long time. I struggled to find reasons for staying here, to keep waking up each day- and I settled on my parents and my pets (I'm childless). And I totally resented all of them for needing me to be here for them, because it was never for me that I kept going on each day...until it was. That didn't mean I was suddenly okay- just that I started doing little things to engage with the world again. I did these things even though they brought me no joy, no sense of accomplishment. I just kept doing them any way. And eventually they got easier to do, and eventually some of them even brought me happiness. but it took a long time. I never thought anything in my life could ever be beautiful again. And I was okay with that. Healing takes as long as it takes. Just keep hanging on. Eventually you learn to navigate this parallel universe you've been thrown into. You will never see the world the same way again- but eventually you understand that's not always a bad thing. I'm so sorry.

Apparently I like the boys, as no one I've ever been in a relationship with could have completely passed that man test. But man oh man, can those boys be lots of fun...

As a fellow widow who struggles financially, I totally feel for you and hope your bank meeting is successful. Money worries can add a whole other level of suck to one's life, can't they? I own a tiny house that we bought for a future rental property that I'm now (finally) trying to scrape some money together to finish fixing up (it needs ALot) so I can list it on Air BnB. I know a couple people around here who make pretty good money that way and I live in the Midwest, not anywhere special. I don't know where you are, but that might also be something to look into and consider. I am sending you all the good vibes I can...

"And I knew then- it was the end, and it was the beginning, of a whole new life for me." Brenda Lenard, talking about the moment she was told that her baby had died.

I've been reading this quietly for 6 pages, and even though it doesn't feel like it, you're sounding better now than you did on page 1. You're making progress in the tiniest of baby steps, you really are. You've gotten some great advice here, so I won't add my own, but I understand when you're depressed it feels impossible to implement any of these things. It all feels so hopeless and forever. Okay- I lied- here's my advice: please do one small kindness for yourself every day. Like you would for anyone else who you saw in pain and in need of kindness. Doesn't matter how insignificant, just one kindness to yourself alone. Every day. Even if it's just a mini pep talk in front of the mirror. When you find yourself thinking a negative thought, force yourself to counter it with something positive also. With time and practice you can slowly expand on these tiny acts/thoughts. They become your new habits. I really do appreciate you being so vulnerable in such a public way. It's a gift, really- so many people just do the whole 'suck it up buttercup' without ever allowing themselves to show any weakness. They think that shows how strong they are. But being able and open to expressing one's feelings also requires a certain strength. Hang in there! You can do it. You are doing it.

I am female and childless. But I do remember my mom always being open to me expressing myself through my 'unique' fashion sense and hair styles. She also bought me a bra before I really needed one, because she understood it was an important rite of passage for me. (Similar to a boy growing his first scraggly beard, I imagine.) These are good memories. I was a good kid, so whenever her friends commented on her 'letting me' look that way she'd respond: I'd rather she experiment with that than with drugs! I asked my bf about shaving and he said he had to do it about once a month until magically he got a full thick beard at age 20. So...hopefully your torture will be gone in a couple years!

As I recall from my youth, when a young man delivered his line to me, there were several factors involved in whether I decided to fall for it or not. I'm guessing the chemistry involved in that real life personal exchange would be hard to replicate in the on-line experience, thus making many of these lines seem rather eye roll worthy. This kinda makes me sad.

I took them off after i realized that I no longer felt married. Well, first I had a really good cry about that fact, and it did take a while more to be able to remove them completely. I tried to put them back on a few times in moments of profound sadness, but after that realization it just never felt right again- which was sad on another level also because they belonged to my grandmother- she had asked me to wear them a few months before she died.