linda5

Okay, so I'm late. But I'm sending prayers and positive thoughts that it goes your way next week. So sorry you didn't get the outcome you wanted today.

During the first year, I got signs all the time. Now that I just passed my second year, they seem to be slowing down. But I have a couple of good ones. Two of my daughters decided to get a memory tatoo on their wrist. It was "Love, Dad" for one and "Love Always, Dad" for the other in his handwriting. We were all going to the cemetery to talk/show him the tatoos, and he was not a fan of getting tatoos. So my oldest showed hers to Dad and the middle daughter was being shy at the cemetery. My oldest says to her, "Kristen, show Dad! Like you think he's going to yell at you?!! I mean, he's dead ... what's he going to do about it." We all laughed, then she showed it to his grave and said, "Dad, I know you're not a fan of these, but I wouldn't have gotten one if you didn't die. So, it's really your fault I got one. And besides, what are you going to do about it?" We came back home and I had both of their dogs at my house. I have a screened in porch off the kitchen, so we let the dogs out the front door before we leave ... never the one off the kitchen (plus their is a huge deck so we just don't mess with that door to let the dogs out to go potty). We came back and one dog was in the screened in porch and the other was in the kitchen! Nobody was at my house to do this, and the dogs are tiny little 10 pound dogs that couldn't possibly unlock that door and open it. We still laugh that Dad showed us his displeasure in them getting a tatoo.

Sphoc, You are an amazing woman! Your kindness and compassion is remarkable. Even though you Aunt doesn't want to move, I feel you are doing what is best for her. This earth needs more people like you!

So very sorry for the loss of another family member to you. I went to a medium about awhile ago and he told me and our daughters that a dog just came running up to my husband. Yes, we had a family dog that died 4 years before my husband did. It made all of us feel so good to know they are together!

I'm so sorry. Our pets are our family. Sending peace and comfort.

Missing Squish, guess what?!! I dreamed of my dear husband last night!!! I believe it was a real visitation, and not just a dream. I was having a regular dream, which I don't remember what it was about, when Will interrupted it. He was sitting in a roomy chair with a large smile on his face and his arms open wide for me to run to him. I jumped on him and was sitting on one of his legs. Then I started to have sexual feelings (which completely abandoned me since his death), he's hugging me ... then I get the thought that he has to go. I said outloud to him to please hug me longer so I can remember truly how it feels to be in your embrace. I could smell his cologne, I paid attention to his chest touching mine, and his hands touching my hair and his arms around me. Then he was gone and I woke up. It was a beautiful dream and I feel it was real. Thanks for starting this thread because I doubt I would have had it if you hadn't brought this subject up. I guess he heard or read me complaining and thought he better make an appearance!

Hugs to you SVS! How is your wrist/hand doing now? (I also had a husband who was my best friend. I got a wonderful 35 1/2 years of marriage with him and I still wasn't done with him!)

Missing Squish, I had the same thought as you! I had maybe 5 dreams of Will in the first four months, and they were all reassuring me he was okay. After that I got nothing! I believe he has established his role in heaven (moved further up) and can't communicate with me that frequently. I don't know ... I still ask him for a visitation dream every single night.

Congrats Kate! The new job sounds perfect! Toasting a wine glass to you!!

I LOVE Radio Hell! It can't go off the air. I even printed out the list of "you know you're a widow" and read it to my co-workers. You made me laugh when I wanted to cry. Now, if I could just sing a tune ...

I am also Catholic and I had my young parish priest over after my husband died. This young priest was amazing ... wasn't rigid and old fashioned with his beliefs. Told me it's okay to be angry at God, that God understands my anger and wants me to be honest with Him. This priest also told me there is no right or wrong Christian religion. I went to a medium and had everything the medium said typed up, along with my responses, and let my priest read it. Then asked him why this was considered "bad and such a no, no" thing to do. He told me he wouldn't say that. He said I can see by everything he has here that he gave you a great gift of healing. Said everything was to help me and my daughters heal, and this was a gift of discernment, and it's how a person uses their gifts that makes it right or wrong. I was so angry at God that I was spitting nails at Him. I'm over my anger for the most part. I still don't understand it, and I probably never will. All I can say is that when I finally let God into my life again, I did feel his love for me. (Now, I still don't understand why my husband had to die.) So, to get back to your question, I had faith, then I lost it all when my husband died, and now it's coming back around. Why I've learned is that God didn't promise me a life of sunshine and lollypops, but He did promise to walk with me every step of the way if I let Him.

I'm so happy for you that you got to dream about him. I hardly ever get to dream about my husband, and I just hit my 2-year sadiversary on March 24th. Why do you suppose they are mostly off limits to us in our dreams? I know I dream, it's that I just don't get to dream about him.

All of those are reasons to cry. Go ahead and cry ...you've got to let it out. Also sending you hugs.

Rebuilding ... such a no nonsense word, but yet holds mountains of possibilities! I guess I could say I've started the "rebuilding" process. The first year after his death, I just wanted to roll over and die too. He had the audacity to die suddenly in front of me and our three children, aged 20, 24, and the oldest just turned 30 the day before. My girls tell me the first year I just walked the halls of the house, didn't sleep, eat, or talk. Didn't watch t.v., just walked up and down the hall. After year one I had to make the decision that I couldn't change what happened, couldn't fix it, and he was not coming back. So I had to change! I wanted to be an example to our daughters so I started to fight to find myself. Then life decides to send me a another curve ball, my youngest graduated from college, got married, and moved to Virginia. So, I learn to let another precious cargo of mine go and give her the confidence that we all will be fine. I'll come visit and she'll come back to visit. I was doing pretty good with that when my oldest tells me that her husband lost his job but got another at ASU (in Phoenix) and they are moving with my only grandbaby. Then, my middle daughter moves out of our house and buys a house with her fianc? (which is fairly close to me). So, in 4 years time, I've gone to being a family of 5 to now living alone. But, and here is the amazing part ... I'm coping with it! I've had some serious conversations with God about why did I have to learn to be alone. Now I'm ready to really start my rebuilding ... as I don't like being alone and I want a companion. I'm just about ready to join a dating website (well, 98% there)! But I can finally say I joined the living again!

Feeling your pain today and sending you hugs. I find that throwing a real old fashioned, little kid temper tantrum really helped me get rid of some of the stress and sadness. But you need to make sure nobody else is in the house, or they would have you committed! (I've only done this once, but it felt good!)

I hosted my family's Easter dinner at my house. Didn't want to, but my sisters weren't stepping up, and wanted it easier on my parents. All in all, it was actually good for me that it was at my house.

Loved the pictures from Greece. Looks stunning! Hope everyone had a nice Easter. I kinda had a meltdown in the morning. I actually was yelling at God, as I went from a family of five to now just me (oh, and my dog). Two kids moved out of state, and one moved in with her fianc?. Anyway, after I got it all out, I did apologize to God for my rant! After 2 years, I still find holidays difficult.

Mac, that sounds great to me! I wish I was where you're at. I thought I was doing pretty well, but then had a melt down today. Easter does happen to be a trigger of grief for me. I do have to remind myself that I also have plenty to be grateful for. This healing process is just taking a lot longer than I could have imagined. Keep up with the positive feelings, for I know it helps me take a closer look at my life.

Just had my 2 year sadiversary in March. Two years sucked for me, because like some of you said, everyone thinks we healed by now, and we can't tell them how we really feel. I found out if I went out with friends and had a good time, laughed, and just really enjoyed myself, the next day would be hell! I would cry all day long. It was like my brain was punishing me for being able to forget for just a little while that my husband died. Just starting into that third year (can I really have survived this long without him?), and have smaller crying spells now. I'm mostly able to go out and not punish myself the next day. Wishing you all peace and comfort.

Your post was simply beautiful!

ATJ, your poem is beautiful! It's exactly how I feel! Thank you for sharing that with me.

Alexwife, I'm so sorry. I can't even image how much that has to hurt you. Just sending you a big hug and want you to know I'm thinking about you.

Thanks you all for posting, as it showed me I'm normal! I loved to read post-widowhood. Always had my head in a book. I haven't been able to read anything other than widow self help books now. I'm hoping pretty soon I'll be able to read just for the fun of it again.

Will, TWO YEARS. Two years without hearing your voice say my name, two years without you, my soulmate. Even with our children grown, it?s hard being both Mom and Dad. There are so many times I want to run something by you, and then I realize I?m on my own. I make all the decisions in my household. I?m considered ?single? now. I even lost my identity on who I am. After being married for 35 ? years, it comes as quite a shock to realize I am single now. It?s almost as if our whole life together got snuffed out. I don?t know why some people have to give up so much, and some people glide along in life. I bet this comes as a shock to you, that after two years I still grieve. I believe I?ve cried enough tears to fill up a lake. Your life was so entwined with mine. So many changes in our family have happened since you left us. Kaitlin graduated, got married to James, and moved to Ft. Lee, VA; Kristen & Zack got engaged and bought a house; Kelly and Adam had our first grandbaby and moved to Phoenix. As for me, I got myself a dog. Blessed ? I can finally say I was blessed. As you know, it took me a long time to be able to say that! I was blessed with a marriage that showed pure love and devotion to the other for 35 ? years. We were blessed with 3 wonderful daughters and had an extremely functional family unit. Can you believe Kristen is getting married on my birthday? I know we will feel you with us that day! If you can get a Blues player to show up, that would be awesome! I do have joyful days, hon. I?m not always sad. God has gotten me to the 2-year mark and I know He?ll carry me until I come home. Happy 2 years in Heaven, Hon! Want you to know that you will be forever loved and missed! Until we're together again, Linda

It is exciting having your child get accepted into a college of their choice! It's very hard dropping them off and knowing you are a one parent family. But I found the hardest part is when something goes wrong (i.e., their car breaks down or they are very sick and have to go to the hospital.) Just know you can handle it!