tybec

These are such sad things to deal with, and there are awful folks who are scavengers to tragedy. Money and greed get the worst out of folks. I had a will that my DH did when we first married as he was in the Marines, Desert Storm. Well, we had not updated even though we had a child. Had talked to a family member about being the caretaker for our son, and she never responded, on DH's side. Yeah, thanks. So plan B. When DH died, Luckily, I knew the judge from church who probated the will. No problems, then. But MIL is/was alone, and I guess she could have fought for something if the will was not accepted. In my state, there are still these archaic laws. If you have no children, and your spouse dies, and you don't have a will, you only get half and the other half goes to the parents, then siblings, etc. of the deceased! And property is an issue, too, separate, going back to the deceased side of the family. NO kidding! Children need to know a plan. They worry about who will take care of them if you die, and since it is a reality for our kids, they need to know they will be okay. My nephew is my back up as they usually suggest a younger person, and I am 14 and 16 yrs. younger than my older siblings. He is getting ready to go to Abu Dhabi for missionary work, and I need to update my will and plans for DS now. Ughhh......

jgib, I hear the concerns. I guess I know there is enough different about NG and DH, but the commonalities are remarkable. With only dating and marrying DH, I didn't know I had a "type." NG is super smart, geek, well traveled, speaks 3 languages, meticulous, crunches numbers for a living, overly serious sometimes, limited circle of trust and limited demonstrative affection. Can be funny, dances. My DH was the class clown, voted most mischievous in HS, didn't know a stranger, ADHD, worked with his hands, loved, hugged everyone. There are enough differences, but music and expression are big. But physical attributes and military service are there. And wanting to be the best dad ever to sons. ;D Still, comes up a lot.

Arneal, Yes, I have told NG my DH was a deejay, classic rock, and NG loves that music. He plays that game, name the artist, which I have played my whole life with DH. NG's DeeJay name is a name my DH used as a code name with my SIL for doing tasks, "secret missions." NG uses phrases DH used all the time. It is strange. I didn't know these things about NG until dating him over several months, so it was not something from the on line dating site or profile. I don't want him to always think I am comparing. My son hears things from NG now, and I look at him and we KNOW we have heard it before, too. Just weird and sometimes comforting, sometimes odd.

Every song has a story and memory linked to my DH. I have NG, who, like my DH, is an avid and diverse lover of music. They were both DeeJays at some point! So all love songs I adore and want to share with NG belong with DH and our history. NG even sang a song to me on the phone one time, so sweet. But it was a song my DH dedicated to me when he was a DeeJay. What to do? Same era of music interests........ :-X

I did. But I had been through my father's death and planning, and subsequently, my mother's planning since she moved to my town a year after my father died. My child was 8. I knew I had to make a plan for him for security as he worried about me dying. So, yes. It was hard, but I had a friend whose husband was an attorney. And my financial person was in the same agency with my insurance stuff, so it all came together. I was still in a fog, and I got through it. But it was for my son, mostly. So sorry. It was hard, but I kinda did it "robotically". But I trusted those who helped me. It sucks all the way around.

I didn't date for a long time. I wasn't ready. My MIL was always helping, kind of took on the role of my DH as far as helping with child care. But, then I realized if I wanted to move forward, I had to change my relationship with her. I quit my career of 19 yrs. and was able to care for my son, and this started the changes with her. She didn't like it. I felt for almost 4 years my DH was just deployed. He worked withe 160th Special Ops. I finally let go more and more of MIL. She had attended our church and so we would sit with her. I just always felt like it was me, my mother, MIL and son. My pastor even commented on my team DS. I started dating and didn't feel the need to share with her for a while. She was so positioned in my life, it was uncomfortable. I know it has been hard on her, but she was smothering me and I couldn't just start dating and incorporate her into my new world. We have not been close for almost 2 years and she is moving to where she has 60 plus relatives within 20 mile radius. I am moving now, too. She was surprised! Uh, we have been dating over a year long distance. So, even if you wait a long time, you mess up the role you play, the "system" that has developed. There is just no perfect way to not have some folks have adjustments, opinions and maybe be hurt. I admire those that keep a close relationship with the ILs but I think that is the exception more than the rule. Good luck with it all.

Same story. 21 yrs. married, 28 together since high school. Never considered any other. He left for work and had an accident and never came home. We worked despite we really should not have, but it did. I thought I would never be interested in anyone else. I had it all. What a blessing! And why not just be thankful! But it took 4 plus years, and something changed in me. My elderly mother even stated she did not want me alone. I was still young. So, it happened. NG and I are 14 months dating, committed and figuring out how to blend our lives. What works for you and your path is yours. But, I was ready to be alone, and I am not. Strange world that it is.

I think everyone is just different. I wanted the "rules", and it didn't work. I have done things at my pace, my way. Probably the first time in my life I didn't worry about what everyone else would think. Part of being in my 40s, part of going through hell and surviving, so what the heck? Do what is most comfortable for you, and it will be okay. I have my home. NG knows my home is my home I made with DH. I haven't changed much, honestly. I have what I need and it is paid for. Practical me. But he is aware. I took all pics out of the bedroom as he noted it. And I have one left with DH and son in a collage, baby pics of son, and he commented on it this weekend. Oh! So, more adjustments for comfort zone. He is divorced, so different scenario. No pics of ex, of course, except in his children's room. I never dreamed I would be here, so I guess sharing my home, my bedroom which was DH's and mine, isn't that weird for me now. Couldn't tell you why, either, as I was only with my DH ever. Strange this widow world.

5 yrs. for me in Jan. 2012. It was very hard. I talked to another widow, and she noted that we measure things out in one yr., and the 5, 10 yrs., etc. It is a milestone for our culture on lots of things, and she thought maybe that was why it was so hard. I hadn't been without him since 14 yrs. old, so it was crazy to believe I had lived 5 years without him on this earth. Just so strange. So, yes, it can be a rough one. Hugs, Tracy.

I don't have any great ideas. I have lived the slumps. I still have days, but not months. I am finally getting excited about my future, but it involves great change at a great price. But it is a positive feeling. I hope it sticks.....

Yes, it is so surreal. 9.5 yrs. seems so strange,SB. Almost a decade. I am at 5. My son was 8 and now 13. He is losing his memories. I have had to learn to be sensitive as I bring up memories, and he doesn't remember and then he feels bad. I don't want him to feel guilty. But he does some. He can't help it, and I let him know that. Soon he will have spent more of his life without his father than with. It is so sad. His dad had no dad ever, so he tried to be the best dad to DS, doing all the things he wish he had as a kid. I guess that is where Chapter 2 came about. It really at some point is like closing Chapter 1 in some way and starting over, not incorporating the past into all the future. It never goes away completely, but it does not stay at the forefront, either. :'(

Got my mother moved to her personal care/memory care home 2 weeks ago. Now, started looking at houses in the same town, talked to realtor, and will start working on my house to sell. DS is coming to terms with moving, making plans to see friends over holidays, asking questions about a new church, school, etc. I am looking for home for NG, me and DS, his kids on the scheduled times. I asked him if I was to look for one for me and my son or our families. This is where we are. Although his pastor won't marry us, a conversation with my brother, Phd Marriage and Family Therapist, college prof., Masters in Divinity, and my admired elder in his marriage and rearing of his kids, has me not feeling so crazy. He said he has talked with his wife of 40 yrs about the benefits and negatives of being married and his retirement. They will not divorce to change their situation, but even he said I have to consider my assets for my son and me and not allow them to be somehow legally be involved in NG'S crazy ex's hands in anyway. I couldn't believe he said that, but he has looked at many angles, counseled many couples, etc. So, he has lots of wisdom I haven't obtained. Anyway. Moving forward.

I know, right? I have the same history as you. DH was HS sweetheart. I read up on things, saw things on t.v., and was even more confused. I had in my head that I would find a guy, he would be the right one and marry me. HA! I thought I would be very traditional in all that. I suppose I could have been, but I haven't with my NG. He has dated many in his 20s as he was military overseas, rugby playing guy. He married at age 30. Divorced at 40. Had lots of relationships. Thankfully, he was into monogamy, but still had many relationships since college to my one. Just tough. On TV, they talked about the 3 DATE RULE! WHAT? OMG! Really! NG was a little more ambitious around the 3rd date! I backed off, told him not ready for all that. And he backed off and gave me space. But wow! I know it is awkward. I am just getting to the point that I need to do what I want and need and not worry about the "rules" or what others think. My grief, my losses, my life how I live it. Slowing getting there. Good luck!

Sorry it is so scary. I understand that.

I listened to Dr. Laura moons ago. Her rigidity is concerning. Even the bible (I think she is Jewish), has arrangements for widows to be taken care of, al beit, not in this century, but still. She would hold a single parent from any circumstances hostage to being alone to rear children? Wow! Blending families is difficult, but rearing children being single for whatever reason is very hard. Strange advice of hers. But she never lived it, right?

Have no experience in this area. But, the few friends I have that are stepparents that I think are wonderful, you don't know they are stepparents. Granted, the other parent is away or not involved much, then. That won't be the case for me and NG. I know it can be a fantastic thing. My NG has had control things with ex since the beginning. She left him and wants to erase him, it seems. He followed to her to be in the state of his kids, town versus being 5 hours away, and he is now a "crazy man" to do that. She used to complain he didn't do things with the kids but let them be on devices. So, he started taking them outside to play and hikes, and then she said the clothes she sent were being ruined, so now she doesn't send any. She took the boys out of all sports as NG was coaching or attending all practices and games, so much more contact. She said they were over scheduled and her dad would teach them golf at the country club. This year, she put the oldest in a performance club, so rehearsals often, 3 performances in a weekend, so no time for anything else. Yeah, that kind of control and irrational thoughts/behaviors.

Good share, MrsDan. Yup, 28 yrs of saying DH's name, and I worried. That hasn't happened, but since I work with kids, I say "buddy" and "sweetie" to the littles. Buddy to my son, too. I slipped and said that to NG, and he told me quickly he was not my son. I slipped and said "babe" to my son, and he quickly said he is not my "babe.". Never had this quandary before. Budding relationships indeed.... ???

Ditto to you both. Not even in the same town yet, but I know it is coming. My NG's ex is narcissistic, likely, a control freak, an expert on children since she is a vice principal of an elementary school. Oldest child is in therapy, 3rd time with 3rd therapist mind you, and she still brings up stuff from the past 3 years in sessions. I would have told my friends to run from this guy yet I fell for him! I am concerned about how to manage it all. I am 25 yr. experienced child and adolescent therapist. She is not going to open her arms to me as a person in her children's lives. NG went to capital 2 weeks ago for house bill to change custody law as they are from 1970s. Traditional visitation and control set though joint custody. Was shared parenting in other state until she moved them and school factored in. Research is wide out there for father's involvement when safe and shared parenting. I was not for it 10 yrs. ago, as I did the divorce workshops the courts used to require. But change. And now rearing a son without a father for 5 years, I know the importance of 2 parents if possible Can't wait to see what i will encounter. Her hometown, her rich country club folks that bought her a brand new house when she moved back. I am concerned and we are not even in the same home, yet. Why we are not getting married soon.....

Hang in there, MrsDan. I also understand. I quit my 19 yr. career one year from hitting my 20 to work part time and start private practice. A significant pay cut and benefits, but I would not change my opportunity. The risk was worth it, and I am not the career minded woman I was which was far from balanced with rearing my child, my marriage to DH and taking care of my elderly mother. You know I am one year in a relationship, and I never would have met him had I not stopped the madness of my career. I am older than you and spent my 30s working my tail off and did gain a lot from it, but lost a lot, too, time mostly with my family. It will work out. It will get figured out. Although you and NG are not comingling it all yet, he is supportive and that means a lot. I am getting ready to take a similar plunge with NG, moving, and will change my work again, but I know it will be scary. But the anxiety!!! When I quit my career job, I had racing heart issues. Ended up wearing a heart monitor for two weeks. Thankfully, not my heart, just anxiety. I have learned to work through that, now, too. I have learned to be in private practice, a whole other ballgame, but the skills are so good to have. You can take the risk. You won't fail. You will learn from it and be stronger. WE have been through far worse, my Mantra.

trying2breathe, I understand what you are stating. I just went through the 5 yr. sadiversary, and it is sad. And now it is not that I yearn for DH. I have accepted I can't have him. But it is still the loss of the life I had with him, all the collateral. And I moved my mother to a memory care/personal care home last week. Last week was awful preparing, as it reminded me of my father's move due to early onset Alzheimer's. Now, my mother is 88, vascular issues, heart and diabetes, so different reasons for dementia, but still. And all weekend and today was spent closing down her condo, like taking care of DH's things. She isn't dead, but it feels similar, erasing her life, just throwing and giving away her things she accumulated all those years. So, I have been sad, told NG this. I know he is patient and thank him for that, as my life is so full of sadness so much. He has his divorce drama, but it is different. So, yes, more grief stuff. On a more positive note, DH met another brother, so that is two out of three. Moving forward with him.

My church rented out a cinema to see it. I read up on it prior. Read the the FB posts my very Southern Baptist friend shared, the 12 heresies, the theological wrongness of it. Etc. I left after crying through most of it. I got that God is not someone we can put in a box, which seems to be why so many are upset about the 3 portrayals of the trinity. I got healing from deep pain, and forgiveness as main premises and very difficult to work through but necessary to live and love on. I got that being the judge ourselves as humans is something many of us church folks do and really you don't want that job. It is too big, too hard, and, like the analogy in the movie, what child of yours would you send to heaven and what child would you send to hell? What a choice! Neither, and as a parent, we would take the punishment. Take me instead. So, loving is more important than judging and you really don't want to be the judge. My 2 cents which won't get you a cup coffee now.

Not sure if this will come up, but Arneal, I couldn't get this song out of my head after reading your post! My 13 yr. old son is mortified I played it. But thanks for lightening up the thread! Get your sexy back! :

Glad you shared. I am a third generation widow. My grandmother at age 53 and my aunt at 42. I didn't think about moving forward with a man, as they both lived long successful and happy lives. My grandmother worked outside the home for the first time in her life (1951 widowed), became a dietitian of a hospital (she went to college in the 1920s) and traveled. My aunt was a college professor, German descent, and traveled as well. I just happened to reach out to a man on a dating site, and we are together a year later. Wasn't in my plan, but it happened. Live full and fully! Thanks for sharing.

From my NG: It will all work out. We will marry but the when is not scheduled. I want a Christian marriage, and I didn't think much about a legal contract which is what the government has you do. Ask a divorced person what happens when they divorce and the courts are involved. There is nothing loving about all that, just business. I was only 21 for my first marriage, with nothing but hope and dreams. 21 years of marriage later, and all washed out in the end. Never thought about the legal versus religious aspect being separate. Too young to understand. But I do now. Isn't that how it is supposed to be? Separation of church and state? It will all work out, even if I am mildly insane

NG and I passed a year last weekend. Been talking long term since Dec. NG told me Sunday he would marry me, but not legally. His ex is likely narcissistic. He is a retired 20 yr. vet. My LH was a vet. I have veterans' benefits I will lose if I remarry. He states he does not want to comingle our finances with a legal marriage /contract as he is concerned about this and his divorce situation. I want to protect my son's benefits. I told him to talk to his pastor and he did Monday and the pastor said no he could not. My friend, a pastor's wife, said her husband would not either, but she wasn't sure of the details as to why. He is a senior community pastor and is asked by widowed elderly folks who do not want or cannot lose their late spouse's pensions, etc. if they marry again. So, long engagement, 11 yrs. 2 months to when his youngest turns 18? This makes me sad. My LH did not plan or be a vet to stop me from moving forward if he died. Yet here I am. Read a blog of a police officer's widow. Same boat. Can't remarry or lose her husband's death benefits she received after his demise on the job. Who knew? I want to share what I have, but the benefits tied is a lot to risk losing or to give up. :-[