Cemetery sitters? How often do you go?

[Carey]

I was raised by a Southern mama who made her rounds to various cemeteries at every major holiday and birthday and kept it up for years.  She tended her parents, my dad's parents, various aunts, uncles, etc.  And I FEEL like I should do that, and I want to. Sometimes. But the honest truth is, Chad (well 1/3 of Chad) is buried in a State Veteran's cemetery an hour away. And I realized this morning it was LAST Easter since I have been. I was mortified and shocked and disappointed with myself.  But the three times I've been there I ended up staying HOURS and felt the need to "tend" almost every grave there.  It took a lot out of me. And something always seems to come up and days and weeks and months have gone by and I just have not gone. I feel guilty even though I know darn well he's not there.  So ... tell me, how do you all handle this? to go or not to go and how often?

[Wheelerswife]

I visited the cemetery daily after my first husband died...for at least the first 6 months.  I made it a part of my routine when driving home from work.  The cemetery was just a couple of miles from my house.  I visited at least a few times a week for the next 6 months, until I moved 1600 miles away.  I now visit his grave every time I return to the east coast, which is a few times a year.  Depending on how much time I stay in the area where we lived, I sometimes visit 2 or 3 times in the span of several days.  My second husband was cremated and his ashes sit on his dresser in the bedroom right now.  I will bury half of his ashes with his DW in California this summer.  I still have to make those arrangements, and the arrangements for a stone there for him, too.  My second husband and I lived in the middle of the country and our late spouses were buried on opposite coasts.  We last visited his DW's grave just a couple of weeks before he died unexpectedly.  I have a plot in our small city for us, too.  It has a headstone, but I'm thinking of holding onto "my half" of his ashes and having them buried with mine when I die.  Simple...yet complicated.

 

Maureen

[mokie]

When S died, I had him buried back in the town where we lived when we met, and where I was planning on returning.  That was 2 hours away, so I didn't visit very often, maybe every couple of months.  Once I moved back, the cemetery was right across the road from my school, so I'd stop once or twice a week after school.  That gradually diminished.  Most days I'd say a "Hi Babe" as I drove by.  Now I live 16 or so hours away, so I try to stop by the cemetery when I go "home" and make sure there's still flowers in the vase (I try to put in new "season appropriate" artificial flowers... It usually ends up being something red for fall and winter, and then something Kansas-y like sunflowers in the spring and summer).

 

It used to be a very emotional thing, going there.  Now, not so much.  I don't really "feel" him there, and in reality, he's not.  Just his body.  But I like knowing that if someone else is there, that they see there's nice flowers there for him, that he was loved, that someone still remembers.

[JacklessSally]

Right after the accident I went out to his grave every Sunday. Sundays were our days together. We spent the whole day just doing stuff for us. I spent Christmas Eve night out there, and New Years eve. Both times I wanted to just curl up there and fall asleep next to him, and never wake up..  Then the weather turned bad. There were WEEKS that I couldn't go. I have a hard time believing that he is in that hole in the ground. So recently I have not wanted to go. But, we are finalizing the headstone this week and should have it out there very soon. We are getting a bench out there so I can spend some of the spring and summer days out there. It is beautiful out there. A small country cemetary off the beaten path. He is buried next to a young man who has a rebar cross with his cowboy hat full of shot gun shells. There is even a grave that has a little deer blind built on it (not large enough to store anyone) that they have used as a storage case for knick knacks.

[trying2breathe]

I try to visit the cemetery every 2 months or so, feel like I should be there more often as it's only 20 minutes away.  I don't believe that I go to visit him there, but I do have guilt in thinking that I should be trying more to keep up the niche and keep the arrangement in season.  I understand about wanting to tend others' graves.  Although I haven't done this, it's tempting to tidy up and place flowers where there may not be an arrangement, I can see why it would be overwhelming to visit. 

 

 

 

 

[anniegirl]

I haven't been to my LH's grave in 8 years-ish. I can't say for sure.

 

I live in another country now and even when I do get back to the state where he is buried to visit other family, his grave is hours away from my hometown.

 

But I don't visit graves anyway. Or memorial sites.

 

My husband's LW is scattered all over. Literally. If she has a "resting" place at all it is under a tree at her late Uncle's farmhouse. It's the exact spot where LW and husband were married as teenagers years and years ago. But he never visits her grave or the memorial bench for her in the city near where we live though my stepdaughters do once a year. He went only the first couple because they insisted but then stopped.

 

When I was growing up, every Memorial Day weekend, we did the cemetery thing. We'd take my grandmother and I would hold her arm to steady her as she walked over the uneven grass and gave her annual guided tour. And I miss that.

 

Because Grandma saw visiting cemeteries as the way you passed on family and stories not as a solemn, mournful thing.

 

When I think about visiting cemeteries again, it's the older ones that we took my grandmother to and I think about taking a camera and sketchbook and capturing image and writing down everything I can prime out of my memory.

 

I used to feel guilty about not visiting the LH. But there is nothing there but a box of ashes. No memories. No stories. Because I carry those around with me. It's just a tiny plot of ground and stone that cost money I couldn't afford to spend and wouldn't have had his family and friends not put pressure on me to do it.

 

The grave is just a reminder of things I would have done differently in the last days and aftermath and I am done with that.

[Baylee627]

I do not visit often. Typically only on special dates or holidays. I actually despise going. I hate seeing his name etched in granite, so cold and final, and the dates.

 

And then I burst into tears when I get into the car and pull away. I can climb into the car and leave, but he can't. I feel like I'm abandoning him (even though I believe his spirit isn't six feet under along with his body)....I can't get past that feeling.

 

And it undoes me. It typically takes me a couple of days to recoup any semblance of composure. I wish I felt comforted at his gravesite; I just don't.

 

He shouldn't be there at all.

 

Baylee

[Carey]

"But I like knowing that if someone else is there, that they see there's nice flowers there for him, that he was loved, that someone still remembers." 

 

THIS.  This is why I feel the need to go. I know he's not there.  And I have as much of his physical body at home with me as is in that hole.  BUT.  He was very patriotic and very military-ish and I know that he would approve of the site and I know there is dignity there. And that's why I hate seeing untended graves and I DO take lots of extra flowers.  The military also do a thing where they leave pennies on others' stones, so you know someone stopped and thought of that person. I usually take at least 100 pennies.  I realize that being a military cemetery and a lot of them probably have family members who CANT get there. So I think I've made my mind up, since I'm off tomorrow I may run down there.  Chad liked cemeteries when he was here, we'd walk through the National one in Wilmington, it's more of a history/familial thing , and I do remember the stories mama would tell when we would go. And my kids ASK to go. Though Baylee I agree ... they shouldn't be there at all

[November]

I visit the cemetery twice a week Wednesdays and Thursdays and have done this since he died which was 8 months ago.  Truth is I have this weird feeling that I owe him that- to go every week and feel guilty for having this feeling because sometimes I really don't want to go.  I go on those days because on Wednesday the cut the grass so I pick up his flowers and go put them back on Thursday.  I also go during my lunch breaks because my kids don't like to go.  I don't like going on holidays and I don't want to go on the anniversary of his death-- that's actually a date I will not celebrate, in fact I want to forget.   

[Trying]

DH and I had always discussed being cremated and no specific plan for the where the ashes would be scattered though I had ideas, in the last week or 2 before he died he asked if I would bury his ashes in the cemetary so his mom would have so where to visit.  I honored his request and I'm glad I did.  She goes often and so do my older 2 boys.  I very rarely go.  I don't feel him there and MiL has put so many momentos there that whenever I go all I can imagine is him saying "could you clean up this crap, it looks like a bad garage sale".

[DansSoulmate]

Dan was cremated and his wish was for his ashes to be spread on the property here so there he sits next to the patio we built in August at the bottom of the stairs to the back deck.  During his memorial the girls and i spread some of his ashes in a "V" (for V-Twin) my brother carved out in the soil, we covered him up and then friends placed river rocks over the spot.  A blooming azalea sits in front of the "V" and I'll be planting more flowers this spring.  So, I guess I visit every day

[swilson]

I usually go every week. We have other family & friends buried there so I get to check on several if I want. As soon as the weather is better it will be time to decide on a monument and hope for our sons to have some input on that. I don't feel a connection to her at cemetery like I do at home.

[mokie]

Just wanted to add... The time that I felt most connected to him at the cemetery was sometime in the first year, I had driven the two hours to visit friends and look for a place to live nearby.  I had gotten to the area early, too early to meet up with friends yet.  It must have been a Sunday, because the football game was on the radio, and I went to the cemetery a bit after noon, I had the game on the radio, and I pulled up next to his grave, put the top down on the car so I could still hear it, and I listened to the whole football game while sitting next to his headstone.  He was a huge Chiefs fan, a fan of any football game, actually.  I remember thinking, "This is probably the most irreverent thing ever done in this proper little Catholic cemetery, but it feels so right."

[Guest Kamcho]

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[Baylee627]

Kamcho, that is freaking hilarious! Victoria! Musing if you should clothe her! Widow paparazzi!! I was sitting here sobbing over Brooks and your post had me in stitches. Thank you. Just thank you.

 

Ok, now back to our regularly scheduled program, er, thread!

 

Baylee

[lcoxwell]

I stop by Kenneth's grave once or twice a week, though there have been a few weeks, when I missed visiting, for one reason or another.  He was always bothered by the idea of being placed in a hole and forgotten about, so I promised him I would visit his grave.  So far, I have kept that promise, in part, because he thought it was so important for people to keep their promises, and in part, because it has brought me some comfort.  I usually don't stay long, but every now and then, I sit there for about an hour.

 

Honestly, that is the one thing that bothers me about the idea of moving this Summer.  I hate leaving him behind and being where I can't just drop by any time I want to.  The reality is that he is gone, though, and I cannot spend my life in limbo, just because I want to be able to visit his grave once or twice a week.

[MrsMisterman]

The cemetery is down the road from my house. I go frequently, though not as much as in the beginning. And this horrible winter didnt foster visiting. Roads in often closed. And the snow pack covered the head stones. If I drive by the entrance without stopping I often honk the horn, wave, and yell "Hey Mister". I know it's just his body there. His soul is somewhere much better. His love and memories reside in me.

 

I was also raised by a proficient grave decorator, so I carry that  practice with me. Flowers. Seasonal arrangements. Granite cleaner.

 

My husband is buried in a historical state park. So it is used as much more than a cemetery. School field trips. Daughters of the American Revolution always holding some event or parade. Sometimes that annoys the heck out of me. "Hello. Active cemetery. People are trying to bury their dead and grieve".  Other times, I like that it is used for more. Depends on my mood.

 

I can imagine my husband feeling the same. He would get a kick out of teenagers sneaking off and making out behind his grave. But other times he might yell "Damn kids! Get off my lawn!"

 

[MrsT85]

Honestly, that is the one thing that bothers me about the idea of moving this Summer.  I hate leaving him behind and being where I can't just drop by any time I want to.  The reality is that he is gone, though, and I cannot spend my life in limbo, just because I want to be able to visit his grave once or twice a week.

 

I don't know what his headstone looks like, but would you be able to make a rubbing of it that you could frame or otherwise display somewhere in your new house?  Or maybe you could do the same with a nice photograph of the site?  That way, even though you wouldn't be able to visit the cemetery, you could still have a special place in your home that you could use to "visit" him and both keep your promise and hopefully continue to give yourself comfort.

 

My DH is cremated, and I know it gives me great comfort to have his urn flanked with a few of his most favorite things as a little makeshift "shrine" on top of one of my bookshelves.  If you did the same with a picture or rubbing of his stone (maybe with a handful of dirt from his gravesite even?), you could have your own little makeshift personal "gravesite" that you could just drop by and visit at any time at all.

[Mizpah]

I went once a month without fail when I lived locally (meaning 90 minutes away).  It was meditative and ritualistic and comforting for me.  But I moved hundreds of miles away and haven't been back since.  I miss it. 

[lcoxwell]

MrsTim....You had such a wonderful idea! Thank you so much. I am going to try your suggestion, and cannot tell you how thankful I am. Truly, this has been the one thing holding me back, and I have been worrying about it far more than I have let on to the people around me.

[swilson]

You could create a memorial for a loved one on www.findagrave.com. It's a way to tell your story in your own way and share their memory with everyone. You can leave virtual flowers on those special days or just whenever you feel like it. Joining findagrave is easy and free. The link below is a memorial for a friends daughter killed by a drunk driver.

 

http://www.findagrave.com/cgi-bin/fg.cgi?page=gr&GRid=92133055

[Sandi1970]

I recently moved 1200+ miles away from my home I shared with DH and the cemetery. I literally walked to it, it was about a half a mile away. I soon realized how much I hated him being there as a constant reminder when I drove anywhere. I started driving out of my way just to avoid being in the dumps or feeling guilty when I was going to see my boyfriend, thinking how is it ok your buried and dead and I'm driving to see another man and have a nice meal or spend the weekend. The worst was when I walked there and I saw the grass had sprouted they planted... Complete meltdown! Let's just say I was muddy from head to toe when I got home. It pains me now to even recall that night. I visit the grave when I'm in town but it still upsets me to think this is the real deal, he is truly 6 feet under my feet and well I am living my life with someone else that loves and appreciates me probably just as much as Chuck did. I also love my new guy but will always hate that DH is dead, buried so close to where we had so many wonderful memories...

On the other hand my MIL goes often and decorates for every occasion. She then calls me to tell me like she did me a favor and it's an obligation she's taking care of, that I am not pulling my weight on.

My 16 year old nephew takes pictures of himself with the headstone and puts it on FB. So, wether I want to go there or not, I'm strolling down FB and bam, there's the etchings I drew and had laser etched on, with his name, info and my name as his wife...

Yep, this is our reality... I hate it every day, even 4 years later.

[lcoxwell]

SWilson....Thank you for sharing the link.  This is another really good suggestion that could be used as an alternative to visiting Kenneth's grave once or twice a week once I move.  What in the world would I do without my Widda buddies taking care of me?  You all are THE BEST!

[Virgo]

Visiting the cemetery isn't high on my priority list. That might sound awful, but it's just part of my grieving process. It wasn't for Phil either. For me, it's just not him. I feel his presence more at home. Honestly, I would have preferred having Phil cremated. Three reasons why I didn't. He never voiced wanting to be cremated, I wanted him to have a traditional police burial, and I knew his parents would want to visit his grave. I know it's an important part of the grieving process for some. It definitely is for my in-laws. I think they visit weekly. My plan is to visit the cemetery on holidays and special days when my daughters are ready.

 

 

 

 

[MissingSquish]

I went to the cemetery this afternoon and left some flowers there. I haven't been since thanksgiving last year.