klim Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 go go goooooOOOO! positive thoughts and strength coming your way Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lcoxwell Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 Even difficult relationships can be hard to walk away from, for a variety of reasons. It is normal to second guess, it is normal to fear change and being alone, and it is normal to think about the "good" qualities that drew you to that person in the first place. The fact is, if there wasn't something "good", you never would have gotten involved with him in the first place. Walking away from a manipulative person can complicate things, because that he knows how to talk a good game, how to make you feel sorry for him, and how to make you think he is working to make things better. Manipulative people take control over a period of time and tear down your self-confidence, so that by the time you are ready to walk away, you question yourself. You have done a very brave thing, and what is right for both you and your son. I know it is hard; and while I cannot speak to this personally, I have read other widows/widowers comments about how ending relationships can also bring up grief issues, which is yet another complication. You can do this. You can make a better life for yourself and for your son. You deserve so much more. Hang in there, and it will get easier, over time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SoVerySad Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 SR, don't let his pleas weaken your resolve. You are putting yourself and your son first, which is essential. If it helps in anyway, think of it this way... if he had the potential to treat you well (as it appears he is suddenly trying to do) then that would piss me off even more that he deliberately didn't and treated you so poorly instead. He forfeited any right for you to feel guilty about choices you are making now, because of the choices he made. Remember what you learned from being widowed - no one that hasn't been in your situation will get it. It is the same in this case. No one else has lived your marriage, so they won't understand. The truth is you don't need them to. Ignore those questioning your decision. You didn't just decide this on a whim, SR. You've been wrestling with it for quite a while. You know in your heart it is what needs to be done. Feeling compassion for your husband is okay if you keep it in perspective that you now must do what's best for your son and you (because your son needs you). You've already given your husband more of yourself that he deserved. Try to squash that guilt down when it hits you. Remember that con list. You're on your way to a better life for you and your son. Even if it feels uncertain right now, it will be better. We're here on the sidelines to offer our support sending you love and hugs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
donswife Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 sending strength your way trust your instincts and your sons take care Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swilson Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 SR, I can't begin to fathom how painful and difficult this is for you. I'm proud of your courage for taking back your life and protecting the well- being of your son. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BrokenHeart2 Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 SR. This is exactly why I recommended you cut communication for 30 days. For you to gain strength to know what YOU need. Stay strong. My thoughts are with you. I know this is a hard time to go through. Big hugs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lmsmdm Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 Sending Big Big hugs......I agree with those that say no contact. I believe it will help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shawn823 Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 Wishing you the strength to do what you know in your heart is the right thing. When you write about his positives you say "he loves me". Is that really true, or does he love possessing you? From all that you wrote before about his controlling and manipulative behavior, I'm not sure what evidence you have of his love--flowers, words, cards, etc. are only superficial efforts to manipulate if they aren't backed up by real day by day evidence.It sounds to me that he is acting exactly true to form when his most prized possession is walking out the door---pulling out all the stops to try to keep it. You deserve so much more and so does your son. You have come so far and your daily accomplishments truly are amazing in view of the dust-up he is causing. Hugs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SoVerySad Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 SR, I just wanted to share an experience of a close family member who was in a situation similar to yours. Her husband sweet talked her into coming back to him after she had left him. She truly believed that he had finally realized how much he loved her and would treat her better, so she went back saying everyone deserves a second chance. It didn't last long. He did his best to keep her from talking to any of us, but his treatment of her not only returned to the way he'd been treating her before she left, it got much worse. He started physically abusing her as well. He started taking her with him on his business trips so she wouldn't have a chance to leave. On one of those, he beat her so badly, it caused a cerebral hemorrhage. Thankfully she survived it, In her case, the second chance she offered led to a nightmare. He felt even more powerful, because she had returned. He was also really angry that she had left in the first place, although he hid it until she returned. The sense of power, fueled by the anger, led to her life being so much worse. She also didn't want to let any of us know, because she felt foolish for giving him the second chance. We became aware when the police contacted us after she was hospitalized with the cerebral hemorrhage. I'm not saying this same thing would happen to you, just sharing a real-life experience of someone who really wanted to give her husband a second chance and paid a terrible price for doing so. Keep moving forward to your new life, SR. You're in a hard climb right now, but it will lead to better days for you and your son. Tight hugs... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
canadiangirl Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 This morning... I just fell to uncontrollable tears. Husband called, yes, I answered... I needed the code to the stupid alarm. But, why..why, must be be so damn upset? Oh... Please keep me strong, cause I feel like I'm falling.... SR, I cannot exactly know what you are going through but I have an idea. Without knowing the whole story, from an observer standpoint I can tell you that him installing an alarm is a BIG red flag for me. It does not say: "I want you back". It says "I want to control you." He hurt the one you love the most. He hurt you. I believe in second chances sometimes, but not when the person's lapse of judgement is so egregious in the first place that you can never have confidence in his/her judgement again. You would always walk on eggshells. You would always be waiting for the other shoe to drop. You are awesome. You deserve the best. Keep going! And stay safe! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BrokenHeart2 Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 So very well said CanadianGirl! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SimiRed Posted June 18, 2015 Author Share Posted June 18, 2015 Nothing is easy?.Struggling with every breath, emotionally/physically exhausted, but I?m a fighter, I?m stronger!! I WILL DO THIS!!! He?s telling me I?m throwing him to the curb like trash, that he wants to ?make love? to me a few times before I leave, that as soon as he touches me, I?ll remember that I love him. He?s become obsessive with phone calls, texts, notes, other sexual things left for me to find, his therapist told me if he?s obsessive, he will soon become dangerous? I?m packing, I?m getting the truck loaded on Saturday, son and pets will be out of state by Monday. I can?t leave until papers are served, until I see the judge, but I can hide?. I can hide well. Scary? Yep, but?. I?m stronger and smarter, Closed sons bank account ✓ Closed my savings account ✓ Finsihed packing things I had in the basement ✓ Got my pictures/items off the walls ✓ Shoes/Clothes in trashbag ✓ Husband pleading to ?make love? to me before I leave ✓ Promises after that, I?ll remember I love him again ✓ Divorce papers filed in courthouse ✓ Hot rod to be picked up tomorrow and removed from yard ✓ (Yes, I?m into muscle cars, I can rebuild a transmission/engine anytime you want) Prescriptions filled ✓ Might as well use the insurance! Doctors/Dentist Appt all done ✓ Again? use it before I lose it!! Glass of wine ✓ Son?s immunizations records to bring to new school ✓ Typed/signed child care form for my parents and signed while son is with them, just in case medical emergency ✓ Soon? Soon, I will wipe the tears away, and I will be ?Home? again , I?ll be whole, as best I can, again. I will learn to live, I will be happy, I will be free, I deserve to ?feel? again without the fear!! Keep moving, keeping my eye on the prize that getting closer every day?. I can do this?. Don?t think, don?t respond, keep moving?keep moving?.. Remember to breathe... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TooSoon Posted June 18, 2015 Share Posted June 18, 2015 Good for you, sister. You can do this. When I walked away from a similar situation it was beyond challenging but I never looked back and I have NOT ONE REGRET. You're amazing! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lcoxwell Posted June 18, 2015 Share Posted June 18, 2015 I am so proud of you, and all you have done/are doing to make a better life for you and your son. You can do this! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jlp Posted June 18, 2015 Share Posted June 18, 2015 I have been following your story but didn't feel compelled to comment until today. Your latest post took my breath away! I think the word "awesome" is way overused, but in this case I think it applies to you. I am seeing not only progress, but more resolve -- looks to me like you are on the home stretch in so many ways. We're rooting for you -- just please, please be safe! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wheelerswife Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 I am soooo proud of you, my friend and I can't wait to see you tomorrow! Big hugs coming! Maureen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisa Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 Good for you. Thoughts and prayers follow you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SoVerySad Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 Yes, SR, you are doing it!! I'm so happy to read your update and hear the resolve in your voice. You definitely are both strong and smart. Still keeping you in my thoughts and glad to know you're closer every day to the better life you deserve. Tight hugs... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RobFTC Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 An even more serious prayer for you tonight, SR. That stuff about wanting to make love to you a few more times is SO unbelievably messed up to me - the guy seems to have no idea at all that your trust is ruptured and how creepy it is to say that. Be careful, and straight on till morning, girl! Take care, Rob T Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trying Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 You are sounding stronger and more determined every day! Keep believing in yourself and doing what you know is right. Don't give him an inch, a desperate, controlling, abuser is the most the most dangerous kind. Continue to out safety first over retrieving belongings. I am so proud of you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CJF Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 I am so glad to hear your son will be leaving soon and I hope you get to leave soon as well. Stay strong and stay safe. Hugs and prayers to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Forgottenwife Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 SimiRed you are amazing! You can do it! I have to agree with Rob,the love making requests creep me out. Its alarming. I know for me it is hard to see red flags and bizarre behavior while I'm in the middle of it but I am wondering if this particular development is concerning to you. With that and your therapists warning, please do whatever you must to stay safe. I'm glad your family will be with you on Saturday. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Lost35 Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 It takes a Superhuman amount of love and strength to find a way to live with someone who treats you poorly. To me, it is always suggestive of a kinder heart than most, a stronger mind than most, a deeper soul than most. Rather than a sign of weakness, it is a sure sign of strength of character, to try so hard. Not many could. That means you have the proof that you can do this. You are strong enough and kind enough (to you and your child) to continue. It is harder, the further you get, to remember why you left, but simply trust yourself enough to know there was a good enough reason to do what you have done. Take care! -L. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jen Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 So many hugs, hon. You're incredible. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Needytoo Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 Sending you strength Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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