introduce yourself here

[BelongaJ]

Hello.  I'm BelongaJ, also known as BJ.  The name was a joke my husband and I shared.  His name was Jay and one day he joked that something "belonga'd" to him, then announced everything "belonga'd" to him.  I ask if that included me and he emphatically declared I most definitely belonga Jay.

 

We were together for more than 15 years, married for 10 of those.  He passed away over two years ago and I still am trying to cope with the loss.  The grief comes like a gut punch some days.  Today I was told I got a generous bonus at work but instead of feeling happy I cried because I couldn't share it with him.

 

I look forward to meeting and chatting with people here.  People who understand (excuse the language) how fucked up our worlds are now.

[Wheelerswife]

Hi, BelongaJ,

 

We understand colorful language here.  Welcome to the fold.  I lost my second husband two years ago and I still live in the world that was his.  Lately, there have been many reminders that he isn't here any more.  He was a university professor, and today I had lunch with one of his former students who would just love to be able to use him for a reference, but she can't. 

 

I'm glad you found us.

 

Maureen

[Erin]

I have been circling this site for some time and finally have the courage to post... so here is my story

 

Bryan and I were together for almost 12 years, married almost 7. I first met him in junior high when he moved to my town. Our senior year of high school we started dating and he asked me to marry him only 6 months later. He joined the Navy and I went to college so we spent a lot of years apart, but we eventually got married. We wanted kids, but it never happened for us. We had so many happy times (along with the bad), and I always knew he was my soulmate. Just after his 28th birthday (Aug 2013) he was diagnosed with T-cell ALL. It was a long road... he had many rounds of chemo and radiation, countless admissions to the hospital, a bone marrow transplant. Nothing worked but we always had hope. I wasn't prepared for him to die. He left us September 11, 2015. I miss him so much every day and I am not sure I accept he's really gone.

[Guest Damiansinc]

So so sorry you have to be here Erin. Huge hug!

[Guest TooSoon]

I, too, am sorry you have a reason to join us.  This place has been and is still a lifeline for me.  There are so many loving and generous people here who will give you space to say what you need to say  and people here will hear you and offer strategies/support when you feel cast out and alone or afraid.  Hold on tight!  You're going to make it through. 

[jenghes]

Hello, I'm new here.  I posted a more lengthy post in the newly widowed section.  I lost my husband of 21 years, the father of our 3 children, daughters 19, 16, and son 8 to suicide on February 13, 2016.

 

I am a walking train wreck.  I am sad, guilty, angry all at the same time.  I thought there were stages of greif.  I am not seeing stages, I am experiencing them all at the same time.

 

I am hoping to find some comfort, some listening ears here.  I need something.  Tried counseling and it didn't seem to feel right.  Neither me nor my daughter connected with our therapist.

 

Jen

[BrokenHeart2]

Hi Jen, I'm so sorry you had to join us but am glad you found us.  You will find amazing support here as we 'get it'. We've been there. Please remember being so early out to breathe, drink lots of water (as crying is dehydrating) and try to get some sleep as best you can.  The early days are excruciating so be kind and gentle with yourself.  Giant hugs to you and your daughter.

[MonyC]

I'm not sure why it took me so long to get here?! I honestly didn't know about the new site for a long time and one of our fellow wids told me about it and here I am finally.  I was on YWBB as mony as well and I have to say that I'm missed having a place as an outlet to go to.

 

My Jose died 3 years ago yesterday, the 18th.  His official cause of death was liver failure, but he struggled with mental illness for most of his life.....I think of that as the cause of his death, but that's just how I look at it.  I'm 33, still trying to figure out this new life of mine, still trying to figure out how to be happy again one day.  I feel like life has somewhat stood still in these last 3 years and honestly, can't believe it's been that long.  It still feels like it just happened, but since yesterday was the "day", I could just be feeling down more than usual. 

 

I may not have posted all that much on the last board, but I read A LOT!  I don't know how I would have survived without finding others on here who actually understood what I felt, and how I felt. I was truly in a fog my first year and diagnosed with PTSD when I finally found a therapist a year after he passed.....which helped explained a lot of my craziness.  Each day is still a struggle, even this far out. Some days of course are easier and I am able to manage a lot of anxiety and fear, but not all of the time.  Anyways, I am so glad to be back to a place of understanding with all of you. 

[SoVerySad]

MonyC, When I saw the username as a new member, I wondered if it was you. It is good to hear from you. We are very close in timeline, as my T died 3 years ago today. I have thought about you from time to time, along with others that lost our lives in that same timeframe. I'm still struggling as well, so I understand. I'm glad you found your way back to us.

 

Sending you a tight hug...

[Johannus]

Hello all,

 

I've been a registered member for a few weeks now, but didn't get the chance to really read or write yet.

 

My wife died last year, summer. It's been almost a year now. She was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2013. Our son was about 9 months at the time. We've been through it all, but in the end she never really had a chance apparently. 

 

It's been almost 11 months since she passed away, and I'm been coping just on the rush ever since. I've got two lovely kids, the youngest at the age of 3 and my daughter is 6. Every few months I look back at what I've been doing, and where I am today,. and every time I am surprised.

 

Seen a lot of friends disappear, and ran into the wall of misunderstanding. Experienced the 'Overwelming Silence' and found myself on the couch, feeling lonely. Loneliness..  I've found a therapist and she helped to understand myself quite a bit.  Fear, Grief, Emotions, Crying, Insomnia. Everything.

 

I need to find myself again. I've lost myself, and the caregiving for my wife had it's effect on my kids.

From about 9 months till about 2,5 years of age, I wasn't able to take care of my son the way I would have wanted. And now, I'm lacking the energy to "make things right",. (as if that would be possible anyway).

 

Slowly I'm accepting this new state of family. The three of us. That's it.

 

 

 

 

 

[Wheelerswife]

Johannus,

 

Welcome to this online community.  I'm so sorry you lost your wife and the mother to your children.  We do have some other young fathers amongst us, although they are many fewer than young mothers, but you can still find common experiences with others here.  Widowhood, especially for younger people, can really be a lonely place, as you have experienced.  I have gained much from the camaraderie with others in similar positions.  It helps to know that we aren't the only ones in this situation.  I hope you can get some reinforcement with others who are struggling to raise very young children having been a caregiver, and then being left to grieve and take care of children at the same time.

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen

[TofinoMan]

Hello, and thanks for allowing me to join.

Find most people don't understand how i really feel.

So why not try reading where people who went through it may actually have an idea how much I hurt but can't explain it in words to others.

I'm crappy at putting it in words, and confused to because my feelings keep changing.

The final straw to even mentioning that I lost my wife was when a woman said she understood how i feel because she recently lost her cat.

My response is my responsibility...I'm an adult who cannot even deal with society right now.

But getting angry was still wrong.

Don't even have a clue what to say to my daughter when she asks me questions.

 

Ian

 

[TofinoMan]

...

Find most people don't understand how i really feel.

...

The final straw to even mentioning that I lost my wife was when a woman said she understood how i feel because she recently lost her cat.

...

Don't even have a clue what to say to my daughter when she asks me questions.

 

Ian

 

 

Hi, Ian - I see you were brave and posted your first post here, so, while I'm logged on, let me please extend a welcome word and a cyber hug of caring through the screen.  Sorry you had reason to find yourself here, but you have discovered an amazing online community of people all around the world, at different stages on their widowed journey, all offering wisdom, kindness, support and encouragement.

 

True, most people don't understand. And, yes, it is impossible to find adequate words to describe the early emotions when the pain runs so deep.

 

And that woman who compared the loss of your wife to the loss of her cat, well, she is just a dolt - ignore her. Don't worry a moment about having a real reaction in a surreal situation. I will say that most/many of us here have had someone, somewhere, at some point in time, say something outrageous.  If I recall correctly, there is even a thread about it here.

 

And what to say to your sweet daughter, so much of that depends on her age, readiness to understand the unimaginable. There is an entire board for widowed parents with a lot of good guidance there. What I found as I shepherded my three after their dad/my late husband's passing was honesty, loving words, patience and an effort to try to give them a renewed foundation of safety when the foundation of the world as they knew it had disappeared. Daily, sometimes in the moment, doing the best I could in the moment we had, choosing love each day in our efforts to heal. It has been 7 years now.  Just shining a ray of light when I know your world feels very dark right now.

 

Please know - you are not alone.

Post often, share and connect. Lots of good people here - and here for each other.

Warm wishes from FL

 

Thank you.

 

She turned 5 just last month.

 

We spent Friday out on the boat and had a great day.

Then yesterday I drove her a bit over 2 hours to meet with her grandparents  (Jenny's parents ) at roughly the mid point between us.

After I had a nice lunch in Parksville with them, I drove the couple hours home with some good old school rock music blasting in the car since I was alone.

Once home I reheated a cup of coffee and sat down on the sundeck.

That is when i hit the worst of it.

I thought I was doing better.

The past few weeks it hasn't been as bad it seems.

Then 2 months and 26 days in I hit a new low.

Not even sure if I am more sad or mad.

But I just screamed and smashed my favorite coffee mug.

Could not sleep so joined this site.

I'm a mess today and even a nice motorcycle ride didn't feel right and its usually one of the best things to make me feel better is a good ride.

 

Today cleaning up the mess of broken glass and coffee stains i realize that my getting better is maybe not really better.

I promised them they could have my baby girl till Wednesday, and its all i could do this afternoon to not call and say I needher home.

I'm just not my usual confident self.

Barely able to make a simple choice of what to cook for dinner...so i just went out and ate alone.

Spent much of today somewhere between crying and ready to punch a hole in a wall or smashing more dishes.

 

[MrsT85]

 

Spent much of today somewhere between crying and ready to punch a hole in a wall or smashing more dishes.

 

 

When I was feeling especially destructive I would scream and hurl ice cubes at the tile wall in the shower or outside at the side of the house and sidewalk in the backyard (it was a really good trick I learned from a mental illness podcast I used to listen to).  There was still the release of smashing something, but without the damage or cleanup.

 

I'm so sorry you had reason to join us here, but glad you found us. 

[Jess]

The evil part of me that I never indulged when someone compared a loss of a pet to my loss of my husband wanted to say "Oh, your cat was your lover, too? You DO get it!" I am a way more fun person in my unspoken comebacks.

[Ruth]

I was looking for this thread yesterday evening, but couldn't find it. Anyway, I'll introduce myself here now.

 

I grew up in a community/group that had quite some different customs, etc. as the place I live now. I was fourteen when I married my twenty-year-old husband Michael. We were married a little over five years when he died in April 2015.

 

What makes it more painful is that I was pregnant at the time he died. He didn't even know if it was a boy or girl. I learned it was a girl about a week later, the same day I lost our daugther. I had nothing left so when I got the chance to leave I did.

 

Where I live now, our marriage isn't considered legal, which makes it so much harder to talk about any of this. Especially because no one here knew my husband. The past year I've been trying to pick up the pieces and building a new life for myself. There hasn't been much room for my feelings, so the pain of loosing him is only really starting to hit me now.

 

Thank you for providing this place,

Ruth

[Lisa]

Welcome Ruth

[TofinoMan]

I was looking for this thread yesterday evening, but couldn't find it. Anyway, I'll introduce myself here now.

 

I grew up in a community/group that had quite some different customs, etc. as the place I live now. I was fourteen when I married my twenty-year-old husband Michael. We were married a little over five years when he died in April 2015.

 

What makes it more painful is that I was pregnant at the time he died. He didn't even know if it was a boy or girl. I learned it was a girl about a week later, the same day I lost our daugther. I had nothing left so when I got the chance to leave I did.

 

Where I live now, our marriage isn't considered legal, which makes it so much harder to talk about any of this. Especially because no one here knew my husband. The past year I've been trying to pick up the pieces and building a new life for myself. There hasn't been much room for my feelings, so the pain of loosing him is only really starting to hit me now.

 

Thank you for providing this place,

Ruth

 

Hello Ruth.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Welcome to the club that it sucks you had to join.

These are good people here.

I'm new yet, but I think this place is a God send.

Please call me Fly as everyone else does.

Blessings ☺

[Now and Zen]

Hello to everyone, I'm new here I just recently join.  My name is Rudy AKA Now and Zen.  I lost my wife to cancer about 1-1/2 years ago. She died from head and neck cancer, that was very aggressive. After many different treatments there were no more options to treat her cancer, She was very brave, and right to the end was the strongest of us two. She was my whole life , we were married for a 33 years. When she pass I felt like in many ways I had lost myself. I have read many of the subject posted here and really appreciate each and everyone of you, for sharing. It's been very helpful to see that so many of the things I felt were not abnormal for widow people to go through. What I have learned here is very calming in an otherwise crazy world.  Thank you all from the bottom of my heart. 

[Julester3]

Hi all. I'm Julie. I just joined in today though the site was recommended by a friend, also a widow, awhile ago. I wasn't ready to talk. I needed to work things out in my head. I lost my husband April 7th this last spring to a heart attack. He went to tennis drills in the evenings just like he always did on Thursdays and he never came home that night. He had no history of heart disease and had exhibited no symptoms so to find out this is why he died, just devastates me. For me, it means you can't control what is meant to happen. You can only live life as best as you can and accept it. I tell the kids we never have to like it, we just have to accept it.

 

We were married 15 years but we met in middle school and later dated through college so we have had our lives intertwined for 28 years of our 41 years. We have 2 kids, 16 and 12, so we do have a bit of him left in this world. I spent the rest of the month of April making sure the girls were well supported and could go back to school to finish the year. I went to work full time because we needed health insurance and extra household funds since my husband made most of our family income. I was lucky I was already working part time for the last 12 years because he didn't want me to work too much so I could be better flexible with the kids and their needs. I simply re-negotiated my contract with my employers.

 

So, I get by on sheer stubbornness, fretting over the kids, keeping the pets in line, trying to keep my house in order, and what little time is left, I have hobbies I love to do to keep me busy. So I am literally exhausting myself so the grief doesn't take over and so I can sleep at least a solid 6 hours each night. I am functioning but I have to admit I avoid people because all I get is awkward sympathy. I don't want to hear it anymore. I have found in the past sharing with people of like purpose to be helpful in other situations so I knew I was finally ready for a community such as this. The girls and I go to a support group locally here and I was shocked how many young widows there were in attendance. We commonly are looking to solidify our children's well being but that didn't give *me* much support. So I hope to be a regular active member here, to contribute and listen.

[Ivy]

Hi. I'm IVY. I joined YWBB several years ago, but never posted much. I don't remember what my user name was on there.I spent a lot of time reading posts and found comfort there. It's been a while since I looked on YWBB, and was surprised that it was not there, but I'm glad this site is available. I'm nine years out now, and my children are almost all grown up.I don't really know what else to say right now. I just wanted to say hello and introduce myself.

[Sirin]

Hi everyone. I'm Sirin.  I found this site through random Internet searching, and glad I did.

I'm 32 years old.  I lost my husband (who was 33) to random heart attack/stroke (official cause of death is still pending) six weeks ago.  We've been together for eleven years (married for nine).  Didn't have any children, only dogs.  We were soulmates and best friends, it was always "us against the world", and now very suddenly it's just me. 

[yogamom72]

I am Tina.  My husband died on September 8, 2016, from liver failure and congestive heart failure.  He was 51 and I am 43.  We have 3 children ages 17, 13 & 11.  He had been sick since his diagnosis in March, 2016, but we were in and out of the hospital in July and August due to complications and various treatments.  We officially signed on with hospice on September 1, 2016 and he died in a hospice house a week later.

 

This is still very fresh and raw for my family.  My boys are each handling their grief differently and leaning on me a great deal for support.  I wouldn't have it any other way but it is exhausting.  I will resume full time work in a couple of more weeks so I anticipate that I will feel spread pretty thin.

 

I am hoping to find a local support group in my area so that I can meet other widows in real life.  I don't have the energy for that right now though and I think forums are a great alternative.

 

Thanks for adding me.

 

[calimom]

Welcome, Sirin and Yogamom. So sorry for your losses and please know you'll find support here. Take care, things do get more manageable.

[JustLola]

Hi all,

 

Nice to meet you, sorry we all have to be here. I'm Lola and brand new.

 

I lost my husband on March 28 of this year. I can still hardly type that sentence without tears. He had pancreatic cancer and died at age 52. Fourteen months from perfectly healthy person with a bright future, to someone who isn't here anymore. Since he passed, we've gotten through his birthday, our son's 16th birthday, and what would have been our 24th wedding anniversary. Our daughter's 20th is coming up next week. That's a lot to process in 6 months. As you all know, the "firsts" are hardest to endure.

 

Thanks for having this site.