Carey

I got my baby (my camera lol) back last week and attended a civil war reenactment and even have plans to submit some of the photos for a contest they are having. I can't express in words how good it felt to hold that camera in my hands. It was the last thing Chad ever gave me, I actually received it in the mail after he died. So I didn't want to lose it. But yes Justin I do have a pretty good cell phone camera and it does get quite a workout because it's always with me. I just giggle when people say you must have an expensive/great/fancy camera. And then I say, oh I took that with my phone lol. 90% of photography is IN the photographer. No amount of fancy equipment can fake it

OMG. THIS "Mourning the loss of my husband doesn't translate into being ungrateful for everything." Oh how I wish I had been able to formulate that sentence myself. If you're still sad, or unsocial or withdrawn, it's automatically "wallowing". OMG...take YOUR life, turn it completely upside down and then flip it and remove any stability you ever had and add extra responsibility and see how YOU like it. In my opinion, no one but another young widow really has a clue really what any of this is about. And I really don't care how well-meaning people think they are or how compassionate at the end of the day, if you're not me you really don't know so don't pretend to. Almost as bad as that? "Oh, you get social security you should be fine"...assuming him dying made finances better. Or having no house payment makes everything ok. People presume so much. And I'm happy for them that they can't fathom what it's like because I would never wish this on even my worst enemy. But I know so well what you are talking about. Even if it's unspoken, it's not hard to pick up on the fact that people feel you're being too self centered or wallowing and that it's just time to pick yourself up and move on. They have no earthly idea how very much we, all of us here on this board, would LOVE to do that. There's not an area of our lives that this loss doesn't affect. Our love life. Our friendships. Our spirituality. Our finances. Our family life. Our parenting. NOTHING is untouched ..... sound like total devastation? You betcha. And what small people, to have nothing better to do with themselves than to worry about whether I've "moved on" or not. To worry about how I spend my money because now they think they have that right. Or who I hang out with or if I am alone too much. And if we don't feel sorry for ourselves damnit who will? I don't mean that snarky. I just mean that you are NOT being selfish, you have been devastated by an earth shattering loss and no one can dictate how that affects you besides yourself. It's no one's business. It's like fighting a battle of wits with an unarmed soldier. The death of our spouses didn't give people carte blanche to be nosy and judgmental all in the name of "caring about us". You are a remarkable and brave woman, for all that you've endured, all that's still waiting to go through and the fact that you WILL come out on the other side. The last part of your post about being judgmental toward them really does make me think though. They haven't been through this, they CANT understand so judging them for their way of attempting to comfort or advise no matter how bumbling it may be is probably not cool of me either. There has to be a happy medium so that no one feels judged; it's such an odd thing to me anyway how judgement keeps working it's way into this situation anyway, just another side effect of grief I guess though I would never have thought the two went together. HUGS to you sweet girl ......

Rant on my friend. I'd pretty much ignore the Etsy stuff. If you don't see yourself ever needing an account there lol...don't sweat the small stuff. And I also would not drive myself crazy trying to get access to a fax to appease paypal. Mail them copies if it is easier. Dont' let them dictate to you how your spouse's business gets handled. Take it in your time and in your way. It is really ridiculous to need all that other stuff. Course that just brought to mind that I never closed Chad's paypal account. Take a deep breath, count to 10 and just do what you feel like you can do and let the rest wait.

Those are rare precious moments. It's funny, just as grief jags come up and hit us in ways we aren't expecting, so do moments of peace. And I'll tell ya, I'm not entirely sure what I myself believe on this subject but in my heart just now I thought, maybe your DH knew how losing your friend would hurt and he either came or sent something to give you peace. I want to believe things like that happen, so I'm gonna choose to say they do. It just seems right that if they can see us and know when things are bad that maybe they can comfort us in small ways. Sounds good anyway (((HUGS)))

Baylee said what I was trying to say earlier but so much purdier

Chad was just crazy enough he would have TOTALLY loved the idea. But it ain't happenin'

I was totally about to say something tropical and warm with cabana boys

I've had at least three people mention this to me since yesterday lol. I kept joking that I do still have a third of him. I just can't imagine the mind of the person that had this idea lol

Maureen I am so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you were blessed with a truly wonderful relationship with him. I know you will have courage and I pray you have the strength to handle being back there in that place under these circumstances. (((HUGS)))

Ive been missing you. I hope you get to feeling at least physically better soon. You know where to find us

mo, so sorry, I know this must be a huge trigger for you. We can't fathom our individual circumstances much less something of this magnitude, its just devastating.

Ok so I'm gonna force myself to do it again today 1) Had Sonic lunch with a friend so I have a lovely route 44 cherry limeade here on my desk 2) It's finally a warm SUNNY day 3) Holding out hope I might can go to the beach for the day Saturday. I NEEEEEED that so much.

I completely concur with this. You can only send the energy you have within you in so many directions, and that grief monster is hard to keep pushed down. But I've missed you and wondered how you were doing, so I'm glad to see you back posting again.

I get a LOT of sex. Which is strange. WAY more than when I was married (OMG this feels TMI). He's a fwb and I know it's not going to end happily ever after. And I'm afraid that spending all my time with him and getting IRRITATED when others ask me out is stunting me and keeping me from looking for someone I can actually be with. I feel safe and can ask for anything sexually and get it, and feel pretty free giving too and "starting over" with someone else feels like it'd push me over the edge to insanity. If you gotta ruin your own life I guess it's easier if it feels good lol

I've never posted on here because I always say nothing is good. But I'm going to really try. 1) Work at an office that's flexible enough to allow me to go home for an extra 30 minutes at lunch due to a wardrobe malfunction. 2) Wonderful amazing best friend who I got to run away with for the weekend and get away from... ALL THIS CRAP (lol too bad I had to come back) 3) oh come on ... surely one more.....spaghetti for dinner at John's tonight.

kjs....wow. Katie Couric huh? How incredible dense some people can be ... and coming from someone who is family and supposed to love you; just makes me shake my head.

TV shows ... like Grey's last week. Watching couples grocery shop in walmart of all things. F15s flying overhead.

"I know that here, every day is possibly one of significance to someone and today is one for me. " Walking through life with others oblivious around us, it's "nice?" (poor word I think)... maybe comforting to know that at least HERE, people will stop and think of our loved ones with us, people here will acknowledge the crushing grief that persists though that damn sun keeps doing it's thing. hugs to you girl ....

Girl I just want to come kidnap you and pack a bag and go to the beach. My heart just aches when I read your posts because I am so right there. Every day starts with a "Why bother?". it's terrible that really nothing anyone can say will help because I so wish I could. But I hear you ....

I was forced to move rather quickly. Downsized and moved right at 2 months out. I definitely would not recommend that for sure. In some ways a fresh start in a smaller place has been nice and not having reminders in every room is more helpful than I thought it would be. I miss our home but it was just completely out of my league , I couldn't have stayed not even another month.

"Our brains go through unbelievable contortions to try to process this trauma." I don't think I've heard it more succinctly put. I think it's just SO unfathomable to our minds , the permanence of it, that we literally can't wrap our brains around the finality. How can that man smiling in that photo that was there for so long just vanish? GONE in an instant. It's beyond our comprehension and maybe it has to sink in in pieces. It hasn't for me ... not yet. Pictures are what get me the most. I'll pick up one in a frame that has our whole family in it and it's just unreal. He can't just be GONE. Does trauma have an end? I don't think so. It might dull at times but it only takes an instant for all that pain and fear to be right there, so real it's tangible. JS my heart goes out to you and I'm right there with you.

It was dark and twisty a la Shonda. I mean really ... making DEREK die of a brain injury at the ineptitude of an arrogant neurologist? And yes the little girl at the scene was just too much. "No one's gonna die today he says......" Little girl was wise beyond her years, you're not God, you don't know that. It really was just tooo too much. I didn't fall asleep till after 4:30 and had to get up at 6 so thanks for the miserable day Shonda.

Mrs Misterman .... do it if for nothing but the smell

I well remember that day that I was so busy that the fact I hadn't talked to him was on the back burner of my mind. I even remember"allowing" myself to panic when the wedding was over that I was working .... I should NEVER have watched this.

Last week's got me ... I already knew tonight would be bad.