K+F Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 Hi. I'm K, and I've been lurking for many, many months. I lost my husband 10 months ago after 4 years of caregiving. I have an 8 year old son. I'm feeling pretty stupid and really hurt tonight. My boyfriend from college contacted me in March. We texted and talked until June because I didn't feel ready to meet or date. He pursued me like crazy. We finally went our in June and have seen each other pretty much every other weekend since. We talked or texted each day. Friday he asked me to go away with him for the weekend. Today I found out he's seeing someone else. I can't believe he's lied to me for so long and even today he was being so sweet and loving. I never asked for this, he came after me. I wasn't ready. I wasn't even thinking of dating. But he gave me hope. I was starting to feel like the old me. And now I just feel like a stupid, silly girl. I feel like he pulled the rug out from under me. I trusted him. He painted me the most gorgeous picture of me and my son, I have pages of texts of his promises. But somehow tonight I feel like I just conjured it all up in my head and nothing was real. I was with my husband for 23 years. He knew that I was raw and a little broken. How could he do this to me? I feel like this is the only place where someone might understand. I feel like he gave me a taste of happiness and then took it away and I am alone and sad and lonely again. I just don't understand why. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Virgo Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 I'm sorry you are going through this. ((hugs)) You shouldn't feel like a stupid, silly girl. Be proud that you put yourself out there and felt something again. Maybe he wasn't the one, but he was the one you needed at that time in your life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trying Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 What a total jackass to take advantage of you when you are vulnerable! I can say that it's better you found out now before it got more serious or that it's not you it's him (all true!) but that won't help the fact that you are hurting right now. I'm really sorry you are going through this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest sunshinedaydreamz Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 Seeking someone from our pasts is so common it seems. Unfortunately so many times they are not the same person. So sorry you have to deal with this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DansSoulmate Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 Sorry for this heartbreak and pain in your journey but I agree with Virgo in that people happen to come into your life for a reason. Although in this case, I'd say karma will take care of him! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Baylee627 Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 Time for the Wid Posse to round up this young lad and express our discontent and impart to him lessons about not taking the walking wounded on shitty rides they aren't equipped to deal with. Baylee Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mizpah Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 While I was reading your post, the word "predator" kept running through my head. He pursued you selfishly and treated you terribly in your lowest time. I'm so sorry. I don't believe everything happens for a reason, but I do believe that certain people and experiences serve a purpose. Maybe this guy helped distract you and give you good feelings when you needed it most. I don't know. It's terrible to have more pain on top of the most unbearable pain. I wish we could take away the hurt. It's one of those unfortunate lessons that, with some people in this world, we have to watch out for ourselves, because the people who should often don't. Ugh. Thinking of you and sending big hugs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
K+F Posted July 21, 2015 Author Share Posted July 21, 2015 Thank you all so much. I trusted him because we had a history. He was actually my first love. I will never understand why he couldn't have just said hello and kept going. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest sunshinedaydreamz Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 My guess he will try to keep you (as a distraction). His major loss. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
markb74 Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 Don't feel stupid. Feel smarter... because you learned something. It's kind of like re-learning everything you knew when you were younger aka the ups and downs and trusting and losing that trust of seeing/meeting/courting someone... I have been on a few roller coasters I didn't want to be on either... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captains wife Posted July 22, 2015 Share Posted July 22, 2015 Im so sorry...how insensitive of this guy! I am especially angered that this is a guy from your past - I like Baylee's suggestion. But I've been there (break up post widow) - and it hurts, alot. You are the strong one here - opening yourself up to new possibilities again and trying to move forward after such a big loss in your life. If he is acting as such, of course you thought this was blossoming into a relationship. Please dont feel AT ALL that any of this was your "fault" etc. I also dont understand how some people can act one way and then be deceiving us behind their backs - but I also feel karma will get this guy in the end. Please take time to move forward from this loss - be good to youself. I found keeping busy, networking with widows, seeing my therapist, exercise all helped me post breakup. Wishing you all the best Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sugarbell Posted July 22, 2015 Share Posted July 22, 2015 Ugh I am so sorry....I agree he's one of those guys that is a predator looking for prey. And I agree-he will want to keep contact to weasel his way back in. I remember my first post widow breakup-I feel so naive afterwards.... and he did try to be. "Friends". I do remember lashing out at him and I said "Well I don't care that we are over .... You suck in bed ... Like horrible worst I have ever had " Never heard from him again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ieh21 Posted July 22, 2015 Share Posted July 22, 2015 ooof. How terrible. Whatever hope you may have built in your head, whatever plans you had hatched based on his words and actions, whether you were fully warranted or dreaming in technicolor, treating someone poorly is a crappy thing to do. Don't blame yourself for dreaming, blame him for being a jerk. You took a chance that was offered to you, that's what we have to do. Not wait for the perfect timing, just grab life and live it. You did the right thing giving this a chance. It's sad that you wasted your time on someone who clearly didn't deserve it. Better to find out sooner rather than later. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
K+F Posted July 22, 2015 Author Share Posted July 22, 2015 I think you are right about him coming back, he seems to always find his way back to me. I just need to make sure I stay as angry as I am now so that I won't even consider having a conversation with him, let alone see him!! He just smells SO good! And he was the best hand holder, hugger and smoocher...(TG it didn't go past that or I'd really be in trouble I'm feeling better today. I made a pros/cons list for him and he certainly isn't what I am looking for, long term, for me and my son. Still feeling a little bruised, and wondering what's so special about HER, but...this, too will pass. Thank you all so much for the amazing support! xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
serpico Posted July 22, 2015 Share Posted July 22, 2015 I had a similar-ish situation at roughly the same timeline, though mine wasn't a college GF but someone quite a few years younger than me. Hand-holding, smooching, hugging, check check check. And even after we broke up and I realized it would never work I would fantasize about being back with her literally day after day, and it took a tremendous amount of self-restraint not to make contact with her again. I was successful for the most part :-[ And I know this won't help now, but in my case the feelings eventually lessened, even without another 'prospect' to take her place. And now that I'm with someone wonderful I can't imagine what would have happened had my old GF not shown her true colors so early. So yes, objectively this is a win for you, but even if you realize that it probably doesn't lessen the sting very much. Good luck to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
K+F Posted July 23, 2015 Author Share Posted July 23, 2015 Serpico, I spent the whole day trying not to rationalize texting him. I'm proud to say I didn't! He's been blowing up my phone for the last two hours with sweet, caring messages. I haven't replied, which I fear will make him pursue me even more! (Why are guys like that????) I made a pros/cons list for him, and he really doesn't fit into what I envision my Chapter 2 partner to be at all. It's just so hard because I was essentially alone for the 4 years that I was caring for my husband. Having someone out in the world that was thinking about me, and wanted to be with me was so exciting! I seriously felt like a giddy 15 year old. And now coming home and feeling that horrible feeling of loneliness again is almost worse now than before! I know that I need to hold out for that someone who will be a true fit, but it's so hard to resist the easy "fix"! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest sunshinedaydreamz Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 He wants the best of both worlds, it's from what you wrote, very plain to see. Next he will text you that he just has to talk with you, and that he has broken it off with other gf. Guys (some) are like that because simply it is the thrill of the chase. Why pay the cow when the milk is ... (I know cliche but wow it's the truth). A good man will tell you he cannot wait to see you. A maybe not so good man will tell 3 other women. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kjs1989 Posted July 27, 2015 Share Posted July 27, 2015 Yuck. I am so sorry. I was married for 23 years, too. I had a guy friend ( a friend's ex-husband in fact) try to weasel his way into my life after D died. He and D were friends, too. We have known each other for years. Offered to come over and fix stuff all the time. Said some things to try and make me think he was being so sympathetic and helpful, but he was just not a very good actor and I could see his agenda. Yucky. Sad part is, he is a fun guy and good friend in other circumstances, so why did he have to ruin it? Made me see him in another light entirely. Please know there are good guys out there. I found one. It may take a few false starts, but keep your senses on high alert and you will be ok. He may not be very much like your husband ( my guy sure isn't!) but he will be sincere in his intent. You will know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rememberingjason Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 " I just need to make sure I stay as angry as I am now so that I won't even consider having a conversation with him, let alone see him!! " ^^^^THIS^^^^ I have to do the same thing for a lot of the same reasons!!! Hang in there you are worth it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
K+F Posted August 25, 2015 Author Share Posted August 25, 2015 Ok. I feel like I have to come clean because all of you were so supportive of me when I posted earlier this summer. I was strong and I stayed away, didn't answe texts or calls. Then came the crazy week, my SIL and niece came to visit, they brought me F's ashes because for some reason, after he died, I couldn't bear to have them in my house. I stayed up all night with my F's ashes drinking Bloody Mary's, crying, laughing, and apparently texting the boy, passing out and waking up with my jammies inside out and backward. The next day, while cleaning all of F's hoards out of my garage, my texts started pinging, leading me to read the texts I had sent the night before. Horrified and hung over, emotionally spent from purging F's stuff, I agreed to see HIM. He told me that he was sorry, that he went on one miserable date and that he couldn't really give me a good answer for why he kept looking after we reconnected. I played it cool, or at least as cool as I know how to be. We saw each other a couple of more times and then ended up making out like teenagers. It's been a little over a month, and he has been amazing to me. Somehow the tables have turned and he wants me to be exclusive, we see each other as often as our schedules and parenting permit. He keeps telling me how haunted, yes, he uses that word, that he is that he almost ruined his chances with me. Am I being silly to believe him? My gut tells me he is sincere. And he's supported me through finding a nanny and some unpleasant interactions with my family. I really like him. I want to believe him. I don't get that nagging feeling that he is insincere, but could that just be my widow brain? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lmsmdm Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 I believe that gradually our spidy senses return. ((Hugs)) hope you're feeling better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StillWidowed Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 Could be a number of things. Wants what he couldn't have. The other chick dumped him. He was constipated. He's spontaneously combusted into a better person. Who knows. I just have to live by the quote by Maya Angelou..."When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." You've seen the red flags. Proceed with caution. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
klim Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 ok heres my two cents worth. Live for now. Guard your heart til you're sure but have fun on the way. I'm going with a guy that was off and on and off again for quite a while at the beginning. Had I asked for advice I would have been told "run " or "dump him , you deserve better"........But he gives me what makes me happy day to day. I think I'm pretty mixed up about what I want long term so for now I'm going with" make me happy today"! People other than ourselves can be mixed up about what they want. Maybe he figured out what he wants and if it's working right now...be happy. onwards and forwards Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captains wife Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 First of all good on you for coming clean : ) sometimes the relationship path is not smooth...for many reasons. If you are happy right now, that is what's important. Proceed cautiously but have fun - hopefully he will have learned his lesson. Wishing you all the best, Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mizpah Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 I'm in a relationship that many have told me to leave. I don't think I'm wrong by staying. I don't think I'm doing something stupid or detrimental by staying. I'm glad I've stayed. Lots of people say "it shouldn't be work" and lots say "relationships are work." No one's right, everyone's right. We can't always avoid heartbreak. Or maybe we can and we shouldn't, because why lose out on great experiences. Or maybe we can and should. Life and love are HARD to navigate. I say what I said on another thread here, quoting my ex-therapist: "Allow yourself good feelings." Guard yourself too - don't blind yourself if red flags start showing themselves. Thinking of you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now