Taking the ring off after only (?) five months?

[Brenda]

So I have a date picked out for when I'll take my wedding ring off, but it's less than five months after she passed away.  Feeling horribly guilty about even thinking about this step, but I also don't want to be held hostage by it for the rest of my life.  It's gonna feel odd, no question about that, but is it a betrayal of her to take it off so early?

 

It's not like I've got anything or anyone waiting in the wings.  No new girlfriend, no next marriage waiting to happen (not that it ever will).  Nothing like that.  Just want to keep taking steps forward in life as best I can, and this is a baby step I think I can manage that will signify to me that yes, she's gone, but I do have the rest of my life ahead of me and it would be a waste to spend it going all "Queen Victoria" and mourning for the rest of my life.

 

And I guess I could put it back on when I feel the need to, except I've never taken it off voluntarily before.

 

Thoughts?  Put it on my right hand?  Wear it around my neck (although a sturdy and secure enough necklace would look huge and ugly.)

[Jess]

I took off my ring after 2.5 months. Since a little more than a month out, I felt like it was a lie to wear it as though I was still married. It made me sad and I felt like I wasn't accepting my reality by wearing it. But, I wasn't really ready then. I made a decision to wear it until my wedding anniversary and take it off the next day. I followed through on that and also took his ring off of the necklace I only took off to shower, which let's face it, in those days was not often enough! There was no guy or new relationship then, it was all about me and my head space.

 

I had no idea what to do with the rings either, so I actually ended up hanging the rings on a ceramic figure that cracked my husband up. It is an alligator sitting in a lounge chair smoking a pipe. The rings hang from the pipe. When I am ready, I am going to put the rings in a pouch and put them in his urn, but I am not sure when I will be ready.

 

Put simply, there are no rules for the right or wrong time to take off your ring. It is as personal as your marriage, your love, and your grief.

[Wheelerswife]

At 16 1/2 months out, I am still wearing my second wedding ring on my right hand.  I moved it several months ago...I'm not even sure how long ago it was.  I moved my rings from my first husband at about 3 1/2 months and took them off completely at about 5 months out.  I just re-learn with every day that each of us has our own timetable with each loss.  I remarried 18 months after my first husband died and I'm no where near that point after losing my second husband.

 

Just be okay with your own time table.

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen

[Max2507]

I am just past two years and still wear mine. Have just felt like I wanted to. I have thought I might get a ring made from mine and his to wear. Seems a huge waste to have them sit in a box some where. So I had that thought for some time and saw another widow's ring she had made from both of their rings that was just spectacular so I figured I would do it eventually when I felt like it was time. So just recently I have decided to have that done for my 50th birthday later this year. I even had someone recently ask me if I had remarried, awkward. No dude, I haven't even started dating, can't imagine being remarried at this point. So that's my ring story. Everyone's will be different. If you get to your date and change your mind fine or if you take it off fine. There is no right or wrong, its your decision and your decision alone. This widow stuff is always damned if you do and damned if you don't. People are like" why are you still wearing your ring?" or if you took it off " Wow you aren't wearing your ring anymore" Fortunately for me with widowhood came a lack of give a shit about what other people think. Another thing is don't be afraid to change your mind. If you say I am taking it off July 1st, but tomorrow decide you are taking it off saturday, go ahead. If you take it off and decide you still want to wear it, just put it back on. Do what you want and feels right for you.

[swilson]

Brenda, after 8 months I still wear mine but I agree with those who say that it's an emotionally personal decision and only you can know when it's time. Kudos for thinking about moving your life forward, it sucks when the reality hits home they're not coming along with us. :'(

[the_master]

I took mine off around 2 months. My avatar shows what happened to it. I put it and her rings on a combination lock, so they would stay together.

[Carey]

for the past 8 years, I wore my eternity band, my past present and future and his wedding ring. He would never wear it himself because of his job and it was getting messed up on his keyring, so I say dang, one of us is going to wear it.  Believe it or not I had to pawn two of them, his and my eternity band. But I am getting them back tomorrow hopefully and I think since I've gone so long without them, I'll just keep what I have on right now, my past/present/future (which seems a cruel joke) for a little while longer. I'm just not ready to give them up. I figure I'll know when I am.

[robunknown]

I took mine just after a month from when she passed. I did the extreme caregiving thing for my wife's last year. A month after she passed it was clear my 24/7 duties were over in taking care of her, and the ring just felt like a lie to myself.

[Guaruj]

So I have a date picked out for when I'll take my wedding ring off, but it's less than five months after she passed away.  Feeling horribly guilty about even thinking about this step, but I also don't want to be held hostage by it for the rest of my life.  It's gonna feel odd, no question about that, but is it a betrayal of her to take it off so early?

 

It's nobody's business but yours when you decide to take it off.  Pick a date that's meaningful to you.  My own decision is a year and a day after my wife died, and that's coming in July.

 

Thoughts?  Put it on my right hand?  Wear it around my neck (although a sturdy and secure enough necklace would look huge and ugly.)

 

Those both sound good.  Once I take mine off, I'm hoping I can find a frame that can display her picture with both of our wedding bands.

 

|+|  M a r k  |+|

[DansSoulmate]

I did lots of reading on this subject (crazy, I know) and there isn't a right answer, again it's another one of those highly personal decisions.  But, in my case, I moved the engagement ring to the ring finger on my right hand several months out but I had worn my rings for so long i literally have a permanent indentation on my left ring finger.  So, I guess I'm marked for life 

[Virgo]

You have to do what feels right for you. There is no right or wrong amount of time. I wore my ring only a few times. It just didn't feel right for me. It hurt me more than it helped me. I ended up having my solitaire diamond set into a heart pendant. I enjoy wearing it now, no tears.

[Trying]

It is such a personal decision for each of us and you need to do what feels right to you.  Around 8 months was our wedding anniversary and I bought myself a new ring.  I had been taking my wedding and engagement rings on and off but couldn't stand the bare finger.  The new ring has not come off in the past year and it's a symbol to me of my new identity.  Not married anymore but bought on our anniversary so it represents my past and my present.

[Lisa]

Everyone processes differently. My process would not include setting a date. But thats me.  I took it off and put it back on for quite awhile.  I didn't wear it daily when he alive but after I removed it after he died i felt the weight of emptiness  on my finger. I cant remember the last time I even looked at it but I still need to wear some sort of  ring there so I  can fiddle with it. I even wore it on early  dates. It is mine after all. I guess i had utveady because it wasnt a traditional band.

experiment when you feel the urge to try.

[Tweety76]

As others have already said well with all the stories, timelines and reason and what to do with the ring(s) very by each person. I took of my rings near 3 months out because my hands were swelling and I didn't want to have them cut of (would have hurt more). In all honesty, taking off the rings hurt only physically because they were stuck and I had to pull them off. I did put my husbands ring on from time to time, then wore nothing for a period and now have settled to wear his ring on my left hand middle finger and another ring of his I got him for 40th birthday on my right index finger.

 

Not sure what to do with mine (I have two identical gold bands like his) but I'll probably one day have something made out of them.

 

Hugs Brenda! Do what feels right for you and you always have the right to change your mind anytime.

[Strongerthanb4]

It was about 5 months for me too. I understand how you feel. It was important to me that I focus on becoming my own person. I'm not part of a team anymore. I figure if I need it, I can put it back on, but not seeing it every day makes it easier to let other things change. We are the hardest on ourselves, but I thought I needed to justify my decision to my in laws.

[MrsT85]

I switched mine from my left to my right hand at a few months out.  And while that was the plan all along, I actually did it a little sooner than I meant or wanted to because I did something stupid.  The fingers on my right hand are about a half size larger than those on my left, and after reading a thread similar to this one on the old YWBB, I almost absentmindedly (fitting, as my mind was mostly absent those first few months) slipped it onto my right ring finger.  It got stuck, and I had to go to an immediate care center to get it cut off (what a pitiful sight I might have been, panicking and sobbing at the clinic).  When I took it in to be repaired, I just had them size it to my right hand, where it still sits as I type this.  And where I intend to keep it for the rest of my life.

 

His ring (along with my wedding bouquet, which I had creamated with him) is with him in his urn.   

[Mizpah]

I keep checking in over here with you raw, fresh-out widows and feel so much compassion for you.  I like to think that hearing from those further out is helpful in some way????

 

My DH died in April.  His birthday is in February.  That first year, I went out to his favorite restaurant with people who knew him and we toasted to him and told stories.  The next morning, as I was about to get in the shower, I looked down at my hand and thought, "I never want to take this off, ever."  And in the next moment, without it making any sense to me at all, I took it off.  I'd been wearing a locket around my neck with his picture in it, and put the ring on the chain.  I put the ring on, once a year, on his birthday, as a sort of gift to him, because he loved "owning" me (not in a creepy or abusive way, in a super-loving, obsessive, romantic way). 

 

There's no right time.  It's more meaningful to us than it is meaningful in general, I believe.  But to us widows, I suppose finding meaning and acting with meaning is a big part of survival and thriving. 

[Jen]

I didn't set a date or a time limit-- honestly, I expected to wear mine forever. I tried switching to the other hand, but that felt wrong. Finally, on New Year's Eve, I realized I didn't feel married anymore, and my ring brought me more pain than anything else when I looked at it. I took it off, and the silver chain I'd worn since Jim died (he gave me an identical one when we were 14, it was sort of a pre-promise gift)-- I hung both our rings on the chain and then hung the chain on his urn. My ring fits inside his perfectly, and that's just where they're meant to be. I do wear a-- a mourning ring, maybe? Memory ring?-- on my right hand; it's silver, like our rings, and it has a tiny amethyst (our anniversary was in February).

 

Just my personal experience. There's no right answer. (((((HUGS)))))

[Brenda]

Thanks ever so much for all the replies.  Some great suggestions in there, many things I'd never thought of before.

 

I think I'm going to do the "move it to the right hand" thing.  Worst case scenario, I put it back on the left hand again...

 

 

[LostMyCharles]

Ironically, I had stopped wearing my wedding ring about a year before C's death because I had gained weight and it became too tight. The day after he died, I put it back on. Now, at almost 6 months out, I have stopped wearing it again because the summer heat makes my fingers swell.

 

I have decided to have our wedding rings melded together into an infinity symbol to wear as a pendent, either on a necklace or a bracelet, not sure which.

 

We all have our own timetables, and our own ways of coping. Do not second-guess yourself. You are making decisions based on gut reactions, and nobody can (or should) fault you for that or say that you're "doing it wrong." If they do, screw them.

 

Jessica

[lovedroses]

I still wear my rings and it will be 6 years in October.  My wedding band was my grandmother's and she wore it for 20+ years after my grandfather died.  So when I think I'm maybe a little nuts for not taking my rings off I remind myself that she was the most not-nutty person you'd ever meet, sharp as a tack till she passed at 94.  And she would have been the first one to tell me that it was fine if I had taken the rings off my finger the day after he died.

 

What is right for you is the right thing to do.  And you can change your mind just as often as you care to!

[Charlie]

I took the ring off within days of her passing. I tied both of our rings together using a necklace that my daughter had made for her many years prior. On days that were special to both my wife and I, I slip both rings around a finger (both are bands) and wear them during the day. On days when grief gets darkest, I wear a Buddhist Mala on my wrist, working my fingers down the beads as I try and stay present with my feelings.

 

The wedding ring represents my marriage to my wife, I will always keep our rings together.

[widowat33]

I never wore my rings while we were married. I had lost weight and I was worried I would lose them, plus I'm not really a jewelry type of person.

Now on my right hand I wear a ring with his ashes in it, strangely enough I only take it off when I go to bed. I also wear a necklace that his aunt and uncle gave me after he passed away. These mean as much, or maybe more, than my wedding ring, to me.

So it was never a question as to whether it was the right time to take them off.

I would echo the great advice here..do what feels best for you!

If it doesn't feel right with them off or on the other hand, put them back on.

 

 

[Catnip]

I still wear both my engagement ring and wedding band on my left hand as always, right where he put them. It?s been 8 years for me. My wedding band is engraved with his initials to me. It's his gift to me. I guess it?s a tribute to our 26 year marriage. I feel safe with them on.

 

At the funeral home, minutes before they closed the casket, the director asked me if I wanted his ring. I had never given it a thought. Before I could even respond, my three sons, ages 17, 20 and 22 all said ?NO! You gave it to him and it?s his.? So I said, ?Then I want to be buried with mine.? So it went with him.

 

I don?t see the difference of moving them to my right hand. Some countries have the right hand as the traditional way to wear them. Rather, I have added a widow ring to my two rings. It?s a black band that looks like an anniversary ring. I found it on line at www.expressionsofgrief.com.

 

[MrsT85]

I don?t see the difference of moving them to my right hand. Some countries have the right hand as the traditional way to wear them. Rather, I have added a widow ring to my two rings. It?s a black band that looks like an anniversary ring. I found it on line at www.expressionsofgrief.com.

 

For me, the reason to move it from one hand to the other was because I knew I wanted to wear it for the rest of my life, regardless of what else may happen to me in the future.  I wasn't married nearly as long as you - I was 27 when he died, we were married just over 3 years and 10 months.  I was (and still am) so young, but I knew pretty early on that I wanted love again.  I was so happy being some wonderful person's "other half," so I knew remarriage was something I was aspiring to.  I didn't want to have to stop wearing the ring Tim gave me (he'll always be my husband, I'll always be his wife) even if I married someone else.

 

I got engaged a few months ago, so my new ring sits on my left ring finger - as will my second wedding ring.  The ring Tim gave me (along with my first wedding ring) sits on my right hand, where it will stay.  Forever.  I know it's a little odd, but I figure I'll just wear a set on each hand for the rest of my life.