On line dating vents and laughs......

[faye]

I suspect many of those who ghost when meetings are mentioned are people who already have partners - bored and posting profiles online.  Then partner comes home from business trip or completes that project that had her working OT or Horrors! someone clicks on his profile or responds to a message.

 

I think it's also beneficial to have someone proofread any profile or ad. I've seen people complain that the people they date just want to hop in the sack.  If you write "not looking for anything serious" on a *dating* site, that could mean you're open to that sort of thing...with no strings attached.

 

My personal favorite was "looking for an open-minded woman" which about 75% of the time meant he was married.

[kjs1989]

I'm with Captain's Wife on this. It is tough to do so, but I agree with the notion of not taking the failed connections personally. I had some of the same exact scenarios as you, CW.

 

One guy I thought was a really good fit for me on paper after several really nice email exchanges, decided he was still too broken hearted after his divorce to set up a meet date. I was disappointed beyond belief and wondered why the heck he bothered in the first place.

 

Another guy ended up meeting someone else just prior to our exchanges and ended up in a relationship. It didn't work out; he contacted me again and we met, but by then I was in the very early stages of my current relationship. We are still friends, as my digitally artsy son ended up doing some work for him.  To this day he often damns his timing to me in a good natured  way.

 

It is such a rough go, online dating. I cringe at some of the junk and just pure ickiness I encountered.  Dating in general is just so messy, and indeed people are very complicated with their own agendas and needs. When you make that rare, truly successful connection, it really can be worth the headache, heartache, and hassle, though.

[arneal]

It is such a rough go, online dating. I cringe at some of the junk and just pure ickiness I encountered.  Dating in general is just so messy, and indeed people are very complicated with their own agendas and needs. When you make that rare, truly successful connection, it really can be worth the headache, heartache, and hassle, though.

^^ Totally, this! Thank you, kjs -- well-said.

[Missmybecky]

It's just dating in general that sucks... I finally met someone that I really like and we had been dating for about 6 weeks, getting along great, or so I thought. She was out of town this last weekend visiting her sister and was ignoring my texts. She called me on Monday and told me that she doesn't want to see me anymore with no further explanation and will not talk to me.  :

Next...

[arneal]

That's awful, Mmb. So sorry to hear.

[Momtojandj]

So my latest is .. guy I went on date with , nice ..not my type but had a nice time . He asked me to go out again.. I said yes . However I just get texts every am from him and no further mention of a date .

 

Guy I dated a few months ago , then ghosted then all of a sudden is texting and clearly looking for a hookup. Um , I’m good thanks .. go away.

 

Then there’s my married friend who has been trying to pursue me , I know his marriage is bad .. but um no.

 

Time for nun school yet ?

[arneal]

Oh, momto ... Rather than the nunnery, join me and let's write a book!

[Julester3]

Is it bad that I go into dates like the scientist I am trying to analyze the guy and figure out his issues? There is this sense of curiosity I have in the psychology of some of these guys and how they got where they currently are. Divorced guys: you can see the trail - his fault vs her fault, changed goals, fell out of love, cheated, etc. The single guys who have had nothing or little to show for it do make me wonder...so what are they hiding to get this far in life with little to no relationship experience or longevity? If they were fine in the bachelor life all this time, hit 40 and now wanting the whole 9 yards? Are these guys I want to be with? Is there truly any thing in common other than what the stupid dating site claims we have in common?

 

I am getting horribly scientific with it and I think it's just my own way to process this dating thing. Again, I never dated as an adult so this seems logical to me. My expectations are pretty low and I look for positive points in the experience. I don't want a casual hook up - it's empty. I know I need something worthy. BTW, nothing feels natural about dating, sadly.

 

Right now, I have a divorced teddy bear of a guy. He won't even let me pay for lunch or contribute in any way. He's kinda old fashioned that way. I have 2 other guys texting me and are respectful but 1 is shy to even suggest a meeting (I asked him out for brunch and he deferred because it was his mother's birthday. He did ask for the rite to do the asking out next since he had to decline.). The other one is in the city with no car of his own (was recently in a car accident over the summer) but I don't think it'll work. His goals in 10 years are not what I would choose and I might never consider, honestly.

[klim]

Scientifically analyze is what I always did and still do even though I've been dating a guy for almost 8 months. Apparently i can't just have raw emotions ( ie fall in love, instantly attracted). I need to analyze more, like how they got there and what there intentions are etc,

 

Very rarely when on dates could I just go with the flow and just try and feel if it was good. I guess I didn't just trust my instincts.  think part of it was I'm fairly easy going and most often have fun no matter who I'm with, so I think the scientific analysis is just another way to figure out if they are actually a good fit because if I went with how I feel when I'm out on a date , usually i felt good.

 

Bottom line I get the whole analysing thing. I have no clue how people fall in love at first sight.....it takes me a long time.

[Leadfeather]

I find myself analyzing also. I think it is because when I last dated I was 21. I had no idea what a good relationship was back then and I lived in the moment so there was no need to analyze. Fortunately, I got lucky and fell in love with a wonderful person.

 

Now I am just a few weeks short of 49. I know what a good relationship is and the level of commitment a person needs to make a good relationship after the honeymoon period. I also have children, albeit adult children and the woman I form a relationship with will most likely have children as well. Which means it is more than just my and her heart involved in the equation. So I analyze the dates I have to see if they have the criteria I know are necessary to for a lasting relationship because I don't want to depend on luck alone.

[Bunny]

Just read this and thought some of you might appreciate her perspective on the whole on-line dating frustration: http://bust.com/sex/193430-on-dating-and-male-entitlement.html

[Abitlost]

Missmybecky,

 

Yes, dating sucks, but chances are you dodged a bullet there. Whatever her rationale (or ghost), better she flake at 6 weeks than 6 months.

 

abl

[tybec]

Divorced guys: you can see the trail - his fault vs her fault, changed goals, fell out of love, cheated, etc. The single guys who have had nothing or little to show for it do make me wonder...so what are they hiding to get this far in life with little to no relationship experience or longevity? If they were fine in the bachelor life all this time, hit 40 and now wanting the whole 9 yards? Are these guys I want to be with?

 

Same story as far as I dated at age 14 and married him. No dating as an adult.  I had these same thoughts.  And what other options?  A widowed person.  So, I somewhere decided there was no perfection.  Perhaps Chapter Two is more difficult and if you find and can love/commit after losing a long term soul mate, then maybe it is extraordinary on a whole new level.  LOTs more warts and all. 

 

Good luck!  I am here, also.  Am dating a guy now going on two years, but still figuring it all out.

[arneal]

Good points tybec. It has to be much harder for those who had an ideal situation before. I had a horrid first go at marriage and was grateful for the second go. I learned that love is not painful but patient, among other good fortune cookie points  ;D But seriously, second LH taught me about accepting and loving myself and allowing someone else to love me as well. I needed that to survive his illness and subsequent death as well as now moving forward with the life I need to live. NG I hope will be a deepening part of it as time goes on and I recognize that I have never looked for perfection but for someone who is willing (to use your words) accept my warts as much as I accept theirs

[Leadfeather]

One of my dates turned into a 2 month thing. She has been going through some issues at work and with her kids that have added a lot of stress to her life. Even through all that I found I really liked her and enjoyed spending time with her. And from what I can tell, she enjoyed spending time with me. The last few days have been rather quiet on the texting and phone call front. This afternoon my text asking if she would be interested in getting together some time this weekend was met with "I am not sure yet, I am re-evaluating dating"

 

It is disappointing.

[trying2breathe]

Leadfeather  Sorry that you're dealing with this disappointment, it sounds like maybe there's something going on that you're not aware of?  If you care about the relationship, I would ask her what's going on and what she's thinking.  Possibly there's too much on her plate right now, but not to stereotype - okay I will  - women sometimes can get a bit wonky when things are off.  I'm going through some of this myself right now -

[Portside]

. . .  getting together some time this weekend was met with "I am not sure yet, I am re-evaluating dating"

 

 

Even if she decides to get together, do you really want to?

 

If she is indecisive about dating, I'd take that as a negative and not something I want to deal with. 

 

Sorry.

 

[trying2breathe]

Even if she decides to get together, do you really want to?

 

Yes, do you want to try in this relationship?  She may truly be re-evaluating dating.

 

On the other hand - interpretation of her words from a female perspective -

I wonder if he wants to stick with me even though I'm going through some stress right now.  Wonder if he's okay with some of the tougher times, is he okay with me when I'm not at my best?

 

She may be putting out this re-evaluation comment to test the strength of your relationship.

[serpico]

She may be putting out this re-evaluation comment to test the strength of your relationship.

 

If this is the case I'm hoping Leadfeather runs like the wind. If she's gonna play mind games this early on she's not worth his time.

[jgib]

I am going to make an opposite suggestion to what T2Bthought it may be..... perhaps she has decided that she does not want to continue to see where it will go with you both and is trying to give you a soft exit.

 

Or perhaps she does have a lot on her plate right now and she is finding she does not have the energy to develop a new relationship.  It does take a lot of energy!  My suggestion is a polite message to say ‘thanks for letting me know, if you ever want to reconnect feel free to text.’  Or something along those lines.  Oh, and that is if you don’t want to just call it quits right away.

 

I believe, either way, she is sending you a message that some space is needed whether for a short time or permanently.

[Leadfeather]

We communicated a bit more last night. The feeling I get is this is not a brush off, I think she honestly needs some time to deal with some major issues. I have left the door open for us to see each other again as I believe she is worth the effort. Thank you everyone for the advice.

[twin_mom]

LF, I told NG something similar - we had just started chatting and it was going well, but I had a lot going on with work and the holidays were coming up...so I told him I was sorry, but I didn't want to meet as I was going to take a break from dating. He said "it's just a cup of coffee, not forever". A few days later we did meet at Starbucks - and sat talking for 7 hours. We've been together 4 years - and I think a large reason why is because he gave me that space to sort things out and find my footing.

I share this to say - hopefully she does need time to sort her life and she'll be better able to persue a relationship soon because you gave her the space.

[Englishwidow]

I have just started seeing someone for first time since Husband died.

 

I have had some big, inexplicable, swings between fear of it all, fear of leaving Husband behind and moving away from him, and really wanting to meet and engage with new man. No rhyme nor reason.

 

Hes a widower of 4 years and just very understanding. No pushing. ‘Lets meet when you feel comfortable’ etc. That made it much easier. I was able to choose when met, when communicated etc. No hurtling into things. My pace. My comfort zone. Safe.

[Peony]

Hi! I'm new here, but I've been a widow for 8 years. I just recently started the online dating. I texted someone for 4 days and just this morning told him I didn't think we were going to be a match. I don't think he took it well, but I felt like something was off.  I feel really bad, but I don't know how I could have done it differently. I hated dating when I was young, and it's even worse now. I go back and forth between thinking, don't be so picky and take your time, the right guy will come. I second guess everything. Plus I am well aware that even though my children are older now, this person needs to be a good fit for them too. So there is far more pressure than when I met my husband at 18. It was just so easy, sincere and uncomplicated!

[Virgo]

Peony, it's definitely easier when you're younger and have no responsibilities. I think you should always go with your gut feeling. Don't second guess yourself.