On line dating vents and laughs......

[Bunny]

Is it too passive aggressive to post on my Facebook ... dear friends , since I've been single and using online I have seen three of your husbands , one of our boyfriends and another husband looking for a three way using online dating sites. I won't say who , but you might want to check out tinder and OkCupid . ;-) .

I would never post that, but I'm so tired of seeing this crap .

 

While it's true they could be heartless cheaters, it could also be true they are in open or sexless relationships- you just never know what goes on behind those closed doors...

[Momtojandj]

Bunny , I know , it's sad and I guess it hurts because I'm trying to find a nice guy and it just seems it's all so complicated out there .

[Guest Metv]

My counselor years ago summed it up.

Online dating, anything goes.

[Love2fish]

Momto,

That is so creepy that you recognize guys who are probably cheating.  Have you considered writing to one of them and calling them out?  A couple women who I was talking to suspected me of some kind of cheating.  They called me out on it, or so they thought.  This did not bother me in the least and I admired them for applying due diligence.  I only dated smart women.  Their suspicions were easily set to rest with a link to DW's obit.

 

If you're mistaken and they have a good explanation then nobody lost anything.  If they get angry it's because they are guilty. 

[Momtojandj]

Lovetofish.. the one guy and his wife attend my gym classes , I'm friends with both on Facebook. Two others are neighbors and I know the wife and family . Another is a widow and her boyfriend was online. Problem is , I have no idea if these people have an open relationship, are together for the kids , separated but living together still.  I'm not good enough friends with any of them to know what goes on behind closed doors. Puts me in a weird predicament on what to do l

[Guest Metv]

Although I did meet some genuine and honest people on a dating site, in hindsight they were VERY few and far between. Unfortunately honesty wasn't a prerequisite to signing up.

[StillWidowed]

So I came across this one guy online several months back.  He thought the hour distance would be too much.  I understood so we wished each other well and that was that.  Then last week I get a message from him.  Says he keeps coming back to my profile.  Can I rethink things and can we get to know each other?  I agree and we move from site to text.  He's a chemical patent attorney and he gives me his whole name as well as a link to the company he works for.  He said go ahead and call the direct line, so I do.  That's the point I've gotten to these days.  Right away I want to find out if you're real or not so I don't waste any time.  So he's very nice looking, accomplished and real.  So we begin to text and pretty quickly he asks me to dinner for Friday night (this is Tuesday).  There is some flirtatious banter and we move to Wednesday.  More texting and flirting and he now starts to up the game a little bit.  Lots of text messages laced with sexual innuendos. I make a general comment about it and we move into Thursday.  He greets me with "Hi Sexy" and I tell him I just got done working out so definitely not sexy.  He says something along the lines of "that's great you work out...you can be my workout partner and spot me when I bench press.  You'll need to lean over really far tho".  I immediately feel ICK and change the subject.  He goes quiet the rest of the day so I check in for our dinner date on Friday.  Ask him if it's still on.  He says yes and I comment that I was just making sure since this is a dating site and people blow hot and cold.  Of course he responds "We'll discuss blowing later and stop being naughty at work".  Now I'm really ICKed out and I call him on it.  Tell him we don't know each other and it's making me uncomfortable.  He responds that he needs to think about what I texted (jackass....think about what?  The fact that you're a douchebag?) then texts me later and cancels dinner stating that he likes to flirt and joke around and that if he can't be himself then he needs to pass on dinner.  Of course I tell him ok and take care!  I ask another male attorney friend of mine and he summed it up like this:

 

He just wanted to bang you.  He wasn't even slightly interested in you or your feelings. 

 

Of course I knew this but it was nice to hear it confirmed from another attorney and all around good guy.

 

NEXT!

 

 

[arneal]

Yikes, StillWidowed. There are so many folks out there like that. Glad you were up front with him and have moved on. Guess he figures since he's good looking he can get as much booty as he wants, whenever he wants. Banter indeed.  :

[trying2breathe]

Ugh, SW.  Better to learn this now rather than waste time & energy at dinner.  ICK

 

 

momtojandj    As you don't know these people well, maybe it's best to just leave it alone.  If I were good friends with somebody I would hope h/she would tell me about a cheating significant other, however to hear it from an acquaintance would be a different story.  Disappointing though to know that this is going on.

[Virgo]

StillWidowed...that is why I'm on a break and enjoying it! Im not against some sexual bantering, but if that's the majority of the conversation I lose interest.

[Love2fish]

 

momtojandj ....... If I were good friends with somebody I would hope h/she would tell me about a cheating significant other, however to hear it from an acquaintance would be a different story......

 

I feel like I have to tell the rest of the story.  I was married twice.  The first ended badly.  The flash point was when a "friend" told my wife that she had seen me at Mc D's with a woman.  Our marriage was rocky already but without that flash point could we have worked things out?  I think that maybe we could have.  I wanted to try.  BTW I was innocent.  I planned on having my wife meet our new friend and neighbor.

 

If only the rat fink had confronted me honestly before talking to my wife, the politics of the situation would have been totally different.  If I met that rat fink today, 40 years later I would feel the sting again.

[MrsDan]

So I came across this one guy online several months back.  He thought the hour distance would be too much.  I understood so we wished each other well and that was that.  Then last week I get a message from him.  Says he keeps coming back to my profile.  Can I rethink things and can we get to know each other?  I agree and we move from site to text.  He's a chemical patent attorney and he gives me his whole name as well as a link to the company he works for.  He said go ahead and call the direct line, so I do.  That's the point I've gotten to these days.  Right away I want to find out if you're real or not so I don't waste any time.  So he's very nice looking, accomplished and real.  So we begin to text and pretty quickly he asks me to dinner for Friday night (this is Tuesday).  There is some flirtatious banter and we move to Wednesday.  More texting and flirting and he now starts to up the game a little bit.  Lots of text messages laced with sexual innuendos. I make a general comment about it and we move into Thursday.  He greets me with "Hi Sexy" and I tell him I just got done working out so definitely not sexy.  He says something along the lines of "that's great you work out...you can be my workout partner and spot me when I bench press.  You'll need to lean over really far tho".  I immediately feel ICK and change the subject.  He goes quiet the rest of the day so I check in for our dinner date on Friday.  Ask him if it's still on.  He says yes and I comment that I was just making sure since this is a dating site and people blow hot and cold.  Of course he responds "We'll discuss blowing later and stop being naughty at work".  Now I'm really ICKed out and I call him on it.  Tell him we don't know each other and it's making me uncomfortable.  He responds that he needs to think about what I texted (jackass....think about what?  The fact that you're a douchebag?) then texts me later and cancels dinner stating that he likes to flirt and joke around and that if he can't be himself then he needs to pass on dinner.  Of course I tell him ok and take care!  I ask another male attorney friend of mine and he summed it up like this:

 

He just wanted to bang you.  He wasn't even slightly interested in you or your feelings. 

 

Of course I knew this but it was nice to hear it confirmed from another attorney and all around good guy.

 

NEXT!

 

Gross. This story reminded me of my third date with my boyfriend. I'd invited him to my Museum to see an exhibition I thought he'd like. We went to a nearby cafe for lunch and as we were leaving, a bit of melted ice fell and landed on my shoulder. He brushed it off. It was such a sweet gesture and I was starting to really like him and it was really endearing. I told him that later, how nice that was. He told me he wasn't sure, he thought it might be too much, too soon. (BTW, I made the first move.) I don't understand why so many guys don't get how off putting the aggressiveness is. Or maybe they do, and are just impatient.

[jgib]

Ok, ready for a long one?!

 

I am 3.5 years out.....maybe some of you know that already.  I lurk on some of the online sites.  Been for coffee a couple of times...either I wasn't interested or they weren't.  I'm cool with all that.

 

One fellow has stuck it out.  We have been texting for a long time, over a year.  We live quite far apart and have not met yet.  His pictures show me he is attractive enough but I have not met him in person.  I suspect he feels the same about my photos.

 

His life very much mirrors my DH and this makes me mildly nervous.  He connects with me often and I know things about his life and he about mine.  I have not shared all and we don't have super deep conversations as I don't think text lends to that really.

 

He often mentions that he would like more, but we haven't met yet!  I would like to meet in person before I decide that.  I am worried I am something in his head that I am not in real life!

 

So last night we were texting and he was doing some fairly harmless sexual banter.  I would have comfortably participated if it was someone I was more intimate with.  I kind of pulled up and told him he was naughty and bad.....he stopped.

 

What I know of him, I like.  This is all so strange....

 

I sent him this text: "Hi .........

Ready for a long post?

 

I think I should clear some things up...

I withdraw from your flirting and sexual banter, not because I don't like those things but just because I am not there yet.  I have never been one for casual sex or one night stands, having an emotional connection first seems to work best for me.

 

I do like you and our conversations, but we have not met yet.  I do not like to say things I may not follow through with.

 

I think being a widow has its own struggles.  I was married a long time to a man I loved very much.  I know it has been a while but I still find feeling NOT married as unusual.

 

I am not sure if I am protecting you or myself..... I have no desire to hurt you.  I also still think there is a tickle in the back of my mind that says if it can happen once, it can happen again......

 

I would like to think there is someone else out there for me.  I want to be open to it for sure.  I worry it may be too much of a challenge for some.  I certainly appreciate how you have hung in there.....

 

I would like to be open and honest with you.  We have not had many deep conversations so I thought I would lay it out there.

 

I am more then open to any questions you have and will answer them as best I can.

 

After all that (phew), I hope you have had a great day.... "

 

His response was sorry he offended me and he was teasing and that he would stop as he respected me and would behave.  I said I wasn't offended and I enjoyed playful but decided I should tell him what my thoughts were.

 

We continued to text for a little bit more.

 

I would love your thoughts and opinions.  I am at a bit of a loss......

[Virgo]

jgib- These are the type of interactions with men lately that have underwhelmed me. If you have been texting for a year and haven't met in person you're an option, not a priority. If you enjoy talking with him I would leave it at that, friends. Just my opinion from what you've shared.

[serpico]

I would love your thoughts and opinions.  I am at a bit of a loss......

 

It sounds to me like neither of you has pushed for a meeting yet, for whatever reason.  It also sounds like he respects you and your boundaries, at least from how he responded to your text.

 

You make a good point about potentially being 'something in his head', and the reverse may be true as well.  I think it makes sense to push for a meeting and see what happens.  If nothing else it'll force the issue one way or the other.

[Love2fish]

A couple thoughts from my own experiences for you jgib.

 

Early on in my dating I Emailed with a woman for over two months.  We seemed quite infatuated with each other.  Our romance lasted until we met.  The other person can be anyone you want them to be as long as you never meet.  Towards the end of my dating I began insisting that we meet after as few emails as possible.  Chemistry can only be judged in IRL.

 

I also had a bad experience as a result of long distance dating.  For long distance to work (for me) there had to be a lot of good chemistry.  If you are going to travel an hour or more for a date you need strong motivation.  Spontaneity is almost impossible.  If there is a strong attraction then the pressure to advance the relationship quickly is increased with long distance.  The first sleep-over happens a lot sooner than it would otherwise.  It is too easy to get involved with someone that you don't really know.

 

That being said, I would not rule out long distance, just be aware of pitfalls.  The NG lived 80 miles away and things are going very well with us.

[arneal]

jgib -- what Virgo said. It sounds like you haven't done any video chatting, which means you might be right about that 'being something in his head' because you all haven't had a chance to see one another's expressions and hear voices in real time. I've shared my first online long distance experience and it was just that ... he was something in my head. Because I got the feeling that everything he was feeding me was a crock and he eventually creeped me out, I started doing reverse photo lookup (https://ctrlq.org/google/images/); if you use Chrome, you can most times right-click on a photo and the option to look up the photo is there. Anyway, after that whole debacle, I started setting my preferences for someone in my general area (I live in Southern California, so driving an hour to meet someone is not too crazy). On this new site, the first guy to message was from Virginia; the written banter was friendly enough and then he asked when I was coming to Virginia. I said I wasn't and asked him when he was coming to SoCal. He said he wasn't. I wished him all the best. He replied with something like 'Well, that was fast' -- I was irritated and wrote back something like, 'In my profile I clearly stated I was looking for someone in my area, which in this case is Southern California. I have a lot going on that precludes my traveling. It sounds like you to have restrictions on your time so I figured you were looking for someone either in your area or willing to travel there and am wishing you the best.' In the end, he sent a couple more messages that sought to discover if I was there for a hook up like him (can you feel my eyes rolling? My profile also said I was there for a long-term situation). I ran into a couple of relatively local people who were all about the hook up as well and when I didn't go for it, they ghosted.

 

My best advice is that online dating is not for the faint of heart. It is not easy to make a connection, whether you are on a free or a paid site. It takes patience and thick skin to deal with the jerks, players, fakers, ghosters, and takers. It is a steep learning curve but one that can yield a good connection once you situate yourself in the reality of it all. You may find meeting in person that you don't make a connection and that's okay. Keep trying. Keep meeting. If you want to include online dating in your repertoire of how to meet people, do so! Just remember that the 'dating' part of the equation can't really happen until you actually meet face to face I have friends who started out as long distance daters, but live video was how they started getting to know each other, leading to travel and in two cases, marriage.

[tybec]

I have very little experience in dating, period.  Really only dated LH since age 14.  Move to new guy.  Chatted on line about 5 nights, and he wanted phone contact, and then, of course, face to face.  I noted at the very beginning of chat that chemistry was needed, despite how good things can be "on paper."  Me and LH should have never lasted the 28 years we did. 

 

So, met NG face to face after 10 days of communicating. This was the first time he was available due to his children's scheduled time.  15 months later, and I am moving to his town.  Not JUST for him, but I never would have considered it without meeting him. Things fell into place.

 

But we all know about chemisty, right? 

 

Good luck with all that.

[Guest Metv]

I have to have face to face, in a reasonably short time, else it's time to move on.

[faye]

  We have been texting for a long time, over a year...

  We live quite far apart and have not met yet...I am worried I am something in his head that I am not in real life!

I can't imagine doing this unless I was in a position to move to be with someone, or he to be with me. 

 

[jgib]

I am a position to move....  Also not in a hurry to do anything.  We will see.....

[Guest Metv]

You seem like a very nice lady maybe expand your horizons and not count on someone just chatting to make you happy. Wishes for the best.

[momof2obs]

Just a reminder that the scammers are out there and be careful.  Had one try to get one over on me.  He was shocked, shocked I tell you, that after just two weeks of messaging on the dating app I was finding it hard to believe that he was in love with me.  I asked him if this was the part where he asked me for money and poof, next day he was gone!

 

Messaged the app help line to report him.  Waiting  to hear back.  I feel for those who are vulnerable and fall for this nonsense.

 

Update:  The scammer has been blocked.  I'm sure it is only a matter of time until he is back.

[Guest Metv]

The sites usually won't respond back except sometimes a generic message. There's not too much they can do, someone is not obligated to respond, there are as many scams out there, as people actually sincere. Buyer beware.

[momof2obs]

The sites usually won't respond back except sometimes a generic message. There's not too much they can do, someone is not obligated to respond, there are as many scams out there, as people actually sincere. Buyer beware.

 

I have to say that they did respond back and worked with me to get the scammer blocked. I was impressed that they did take the situation seriously.