On line dating vents and laughs......

[Needytoo]

Purple unicorns, I like it. 

For a while I have been working on myself. Allowing myself to get out there and take art and exercise classes it sure beats staring at the walls at night.  I also have taken on a few extra assignments at work.  I need to have a plan for my week and to do this I sign up for these classes sometimes months in advance. 

I tried online dating awhile back and it just didn?t work for me, and honestly I wasn?t ready for it.  This might sound a little weird but I really want to start to date but I don?t want to lose myself. I have started e-therapy and I feel pretty good about all of this.  I put up my new profile and getting replies from guys.  Some went poof, which didn?t surprise me.  One of the gents I really liked but he would give me a warning of a few hours to meet him.  I am all for meeting but giving me a few hours warning with my schedule just doesn?t work. Is this normal to do? He has gone poof.

I made plans to meet this other guy on Saturday but wouldn?t you know it I woke up with one nasty cold and had to cancel.  We have been talking on the phone so at least he could hear it in my voice that I am sick.  We are planning to meet Thursday after my work and I am so darn nervous.  Now for my truth to come out, I am nervous because what if our coffee date takes too long.  I was planning on getting my marking done that night.  How does one manage all of this? 

 

[SimiRed]

Not an easy task but sometimes you can tell from their profile or what they say on the phone and I try and ask the right questions without it seeming like an interview. I refuse to date anyone who is separated or fairly recently divorced - I've always had issues here.

 

Hmmm...what would be the "right" questions?  Seems like I would have a ton of questions!  But, I would scare anyone away with all the questions that are in my head. 

 

I agree, that anyone recently divorced or separated is not a date I would choose to go on.

[Virgo]

Virgo, if I ever decide to venture out there, maybe it'll be not by starting with on line daring.  Don't know if I could endure this craziness.

 

All of the men I've dated so far I either graduated high school with, was set up by a friend, or they knew  (or knew of) my LH. My LH was a LEO. I'm actually talking to a fireman, dispatcher, and someone I graduated high school with right now. I've been debating going out with them or taking a break from dating lol. I won't say I wouldn't try online dating, but I prefer not to. At least for now.

 

 

[Captains wife]

SimiRed - I used to go and ask WAY too many questions at the start as I didn't trust anyone and I probably came across like I was interviewing and too intense...but now I ease them into the conversation once they bring up certain topics (i.e finding out how long been out of marriage/relationship, some ideas about how last relationship ended and their attitude towards exes, how long been on Match.com, their "ideal" dating situation).

 

So....I have 5 new dates (coffee, lunch, evening drinks, dinner) this week so wish me luck - hope I have something good to report afterwards : )

[SimiRed]

Good luck CW!  I get the trust issues, that's what I'm afraid I'd do...I'd machine gun the poor guy with a bazillion questions!  Probably all the wrong ones!

[tybec]

Still off here most of the time.  BUT I AM DATING!  I got two kittens for Christmas as my 12 yr. old cat died in July earlier.  When someone commented on my cats (cat lady), that threw me in.  I am not that person, so date 4 is planned for this weekend.  Talk nightly.  Text daily.  Feel like a crazy teen.  It is fun, unnerving, scary and exciting.  But so glad I took the plunge.  Thanks to the forum for giving insight.....

[Guest nonesuch]

Some weeks I had two or three dates with different men. I never minded that, and sometimes one date was enough to determine there would be no more.  I generally assumed if I didn't feel any chemistry by date #3 I was wasting my time and his. I didn't think that was leading anyone on.

 

Current Beau had a date lined up with another woman before he and I met.  Rather than cancel, he went through with the meeting, but there was no second date.  I've talked with other people who did the same thing: followed through with meetings already scheduled, even if they *may* have met someone they really liked. 

[Needytoo]

I thought I was ready to try this online dating thing again but now not too sure.  This time around I find I am much more open but maybe I am not asking them the right questions in the first place. I am back in therapy because I feel sometimes I am a "cold fish".  My therapist suggested a few things and one of them is to start to set up boundaries which is a whole other topic. 

 

Last Friday I had a coffee date planned with one of the guys but came down with a cold and cancelled.  I know it must look like I might be wimping out on the date so I actually called him to cancel so he could hear that I had a cold.  My schedule is very busy right now and I understand that it might look odd to someone and have them question if am I stringing them along.  We planned to meet Thursday night but there was a death in the family and now I have to drive down to the funeral Thursday so I texted this guy.  His reply was "looks like we are at different stages of our lives bye bye".  Do I reply? 

[Mrskro]

Needy....Different stages?    Because of a funeral and a cold?  Sounds like the guy has no sympathy to me .... I wouldn't reply or would just go with "good luck"

 

Tormented....I had a an ex (from high school) that did the same thing...."you just need time"  I felt horrible, I was honest.  I mean he was an ex for a reason and unfortunately time didn't really change the reasons why we weren't a romantic match to begin with.  We are still friends but I get the vibe every now and then that he thinks if he waits long enough I'll be "ready".

 

I vote for honesty.

[Portside]

We planned to meet Thursday night but there was a death in the family and now I have to drive down to the funeral Thursday so I texted this guy.  His reply was "looks like we are at different stages of our lives bye bye".  Do I reply?

 

No, I wouldn't. He has, for whatever reason, decided he isn't interested in finding out if you two are a match for each other as it's too much work on his part.

 

These things happen and it's obvious he is not willing to give you any latitude.

 

Good luck - Mike

 

 

[Guest TalksToAngels]

N2,

No. I would not reply. Bye bye ? Come on.

Any sincere person would say, hey that's ok, or I'm sorry for a death.

Bye bye ?

Make it final.

[RobFTC]

Needytoo, it looks like he believed you were stringing him along.  This could happen if you didn't counter-offer for the cancelled dates - if it's you having to break the date, it should be you showing you're still interested and not just making a polite excuse.  If you came up short, he could read it as lack of interest.  His response was not very gracious - a gentleman would express condolences and leave it open for you to get in touch later, even if he expected that to not happen.  So you don't appear to be missing much.

 

Take care,

Rob T

[Guest nonesuch]

You cancelled two dates.

It's not your fault, but it's probably not the first time he's been rejected.  Frankly, a fellow cancelled twice on me, and on our third "date" he was a NCNS.  If your prospect had as many potential meetings go "poof" as I did, he thinks he's being sandbagged, and  cutting his losses.

 

Sorry it didn't work out.

[Guest TalksToAngels]

: :

[Needytoo]

Good morning everyone, thanks everyone for your comments.  I do understand how this guy would think I am stringing him along and he doesn't know me but I don't lie and to make that comment I agree he isn't worth my effort to get to know him. 

 

Now I need some advice.  I found that last two guys have gone poof because it most likely does appear that I am stringing them along.  I do work too much and I am trying to cut back on that but it takes time, I need to finish the work and hit the dead lines. Another two more weeks and more work load will have decreased way down.  I also take art, exercise and creative writing classes.  I really feel without all of my fun stuff there is no way I could handle the stress of all my work.  To be able to do all of this I need to schedule stuff way in advance in my calendar.  Doesn't seem too hard of a concept to me.  I have had two guys give me a days warning that they want to meet and I have to turn them down and they comment that I am way too busy.  Is this normal?  Sounds a little too demanding to me.  Now don't get me wrong I am looking for a relationship that has great communication but also allows the other person to have a life outside the relationship. 

 

I do believe in honesty but I also believe in being safe online and all people need is my first name and where I work and they can find out my last name.  I think I have had now four of the guys show up under my facebook account as people I may know.  What do I do about this? Should I be that concerned? 

 

Last question does Match send out icebreakers to people?  I had a message from a guy and it appears I sent him something that I didn't?

 

 

[klim]

I always google search the person I'm talking to so I would expect that normal people are trying to find out about you too. So they might connect to facebook. I'm just saying I'm not a stalker/scammer or other type of deviant so I wouldn't worry too much about that.

 

As far as scheduling things you do sound busy....but the first meeting doesn't have to be huge. Maybe you could say  something like:I've got art class tuesday but if you want to get a quick cup of coffee before I head in theres a shop just up the street......That way you're not always postponing their curiosity and yet maybe you can fit some meet and greets in that could lead to further full sized  scheduled fun dates. Not sure it's feasible but it's an idea.

 

[Guest nonesuch]

if I had that much going on, I wouldn't be trying to schedule dates as well.  WE know you mean well, but you're not trying to get a date with US.  If people are eager to meet, it makes sense to strike while the iron is hot.

 

After a while online, I took "Can you get back to me next week?" as a polite brush-off, and it was.  I'd get back to them next week and I got crickets chirping. The other people you're trying to connect with online are getting rejected from time to time (or maybe a lot).  Because frankly, not everyone will come right out and say, "Thanks, I'm not interested."  They SHOULD, but they DON'T. Saying you want to date and being "too busy"...well, they don't know you. They are going to go on their past experiences which are not positive.

 

Alternatively, since you have all these things going on, be up front about it and say, "The only good times for me right now are X on Thursdays and Y on Sundays."

 

First meetings for me were usually a coffee or a beer.  One of the men I met said the same thing and commented he'd had meetings when the coffee didn't even get cold. 

 

Why tell people where you work?  I don't think I did. They don't need that info to have coffee at Tim Horton's.  They need to know I have dyed red hair, I'm 5'5" and weigh about 140.

 

Tighten up the privacy settings on your Facebook account.  I don't know how to do it, someone had to talk me through it. Someone can do that for you, too.

 

If they give you a name, you can google that. If they give you an email, you can google that, too.

 

[Captains wife]

It's been a busy dating week for me. It just so happened a few potential prospects contacted me so I staggered 5 dates this week- phew. Day 1 - coffee date that I unknowingly stood up because his confirmation message didn't get through, Day 2- Lunch with very cute and outgoing widower and really enjoyed myself plus felt some chemistry. He took my arm as we were walking out...such a gentleman. Day 3- Quick drink after work with crazy real estate guy. Hands down one of the worst dates I've ever had. He shows up half an hour late, REEKS like pot (I kid you not), talks non stop about how his ex left him for a friend with more money, talks non stop about money, talks about how a lot of single mothers in their 40s just want him for sex and then when I ask to see a pic of his ex (out of curiosity) he has this one on his phone with her posing on a bed in tacky lingerie trying to look sexy. Oh boy... Then at end of date as I'm making early exit he thinks date was great and asks me out again- I politely declined. Day 4 - local dinner date with preppy no kids guy. Had a very nice time and we got along well but I'm very wary now of preppy, professional 40 something men with short marriages who don't have kids. But he made me laugh. Day 5 - dinner with short, cute British guy. Had a very good time and he was easy to talk to although could have something to do with 3 glasses of wine I had lol. So 3 good dates in a week - and 3 potential 2nd dates as they asked me out again. 3 out of 5 isn't bad although don't think I've met anyone that's blown my socks off yet. But all in all a successful dating week and a good laugh! Sooo glad to be home the rest of the weekend.

[Wheelerswife]

Can you send some men to Kansas, CW?

 

Maureen

[RobFTC]

I have had two guys give me a days warning that they want to meet and I have to turn them down and they comment that I am way too busy.  Is this normal?

 

Nope - a man should be able to schedule something with a little notice, too, and not get bent out of shape when a busy woman says that's what he needs to do.  But do remember to counteroffer, not just turn them down, if you're interested.  That means having your own calendar in order.  "I'm pretty busy" is the leading signal for "not interested" these days.

 

Take care,

Rob T

[Needytoo]

My new mentor Captain's wife.  ;D

 

Thanks everyone for your advise.  I am back chatting with a few fellows with even more open attitude and  will see what happens. 

 

 

[kjs1989]

Wow, CW, I am exhausted for you! Sounds kind of fun, though. I'm pulling for #2. Keep us in the loop!

[Guest TalksToAngels]

CW it sounds as if too much is going on. When I was on a dating site (which I'm not now anymore), and I connected with one person, and wanted to see where it could go, obligating to rest of the week or month dates and meetings always got in the way. And people will sense that, and back off, and you could end up losing someone really nice. I don't know maybe it's just me, but it seems many just want to do this casual dating scene, which if that's what you want, is fine, but I always looked or needed something more. Any way, not judging, but good luck.

 

Also reiterating what someone else wrote. Never disclose where you work, or the spelling of your name to someone you don't really know. Intentions may be good but there is certainly a dark side to offering info to someone you have not met, or just have met. There are some shady people on anonymous internet sites. Caution is never a bad thing.

[Captains wife]

Multi dating is tiring but also fun and dating one person at a time also doesn't work for me, unless we are in a committed relationship. I know my 3 dates I enjoyed this week are on other dates so I'm not about to wait around for any of them this early on and I want to explore my options. Plus after brutal break up I'm enjoying this casual dating a lot : ) Widower date did tell me that I was his "favorite" of the women he has corresponded with on Match so we shall see. I prioritized this date as I'd like to see what happens with him and we have our 2nd date this week. However, he isn't nearly as far out as I am so I am proceeding with caution. I'm hopeful but feel less urgency to meet a boyfriend vs my first round on match.com almost 2 years ago. Good luck to all - it's a jungle out there!

[Guest TalksToAngels]

Whether he's far out (sounds strange ), or not as far as being widowed sometimes has little bearing on whether someone's ready, or not, as I've experienced. I've met some women weeks and months out that were genuine and looking for someone nice, and others 10 years out, who I considered would never be ready. It's all a crapshoot.

Good wishes, to you !